Jan. 24, 2012 at 8:56 AM ET
Say it ain't so, Stephen!
Monday night on "The Colbert Report," it was all about the weekend events. In South Carolina, Newt Gingrich emerged as the man of the hour (or rather, of the week) coming out on top in the South Carolina primaries after "feasting on the flesh" of CNN's Jon King when asked about his marital woes.
But that's not the sad part.
Colbert later showed highlights from the "Rock Me Like A Herman Cain" Rally on Friday, in which special guest Herman Cain broke out in song -- a Pokémon song, to be exact.
That wasn't it either. The sad part came when Colbert made a major announcement. With a heavy heart and a spastic colon he announced that he would be re-suspending Herman Cain's suspended campaign, and officially ending his exploratory committee to run for President of the United States of South Carolina.
The people of South Carolina spoke. The Colbert/Cain team couldn't rally enough votes to rattle any of the current GOPers' campaigns, despite the decent fifth place finish in the primary.
Colbert went on to thank his committee members -- NBC's own Chuck Todd, Will Smith as Bagger Vance, "Criss Angel: Mind Freak," and affectionately -- his roll of quarters for the laundry he hasn't done in a month or so.
The announcement begged the question -- what will Colbert do now? Take back the Super PAC, of course!
Unfortunately, it appears Jon Stewart has gone rogue.
Stewart sent this note to The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC supporters, via The Huffington Post:
Dear Super PAC Super People,
Hey, it's Jon again. As you know, a while back, I took over this Super PAC so that my friend and business partner Stephen Colbert could explore possibly running for President of the United States of America of South Carolina (maybe).
Unfortunately, he never connected with voters, despite nearly a week of part-time campaigning, culminating in a massive rally at the College of Charleston.
Now, Stephen's exploratory phase is over. And like most exploratory phases, it was strange, awkward, and ended not long after he left campus.
Today he asked me if he if he could retake control of The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. I told him, with all due respect, to go take a long walk off a short go-f%¢#-yourself.
Are you kidding me? This thing is a pile of money, sitting on top of a heap of cash, sitting on top of a mountain of moolah. And I'm going to spend it. But in a legal, responsible way. For example, I just bought a jaguar! And I'm going to buy that jaguar its own Jaguar, and teach it to drive me around!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go –- my official Super PAC Private Zeppelin is about to land and the pilot told me I have to turn off all electronic devices. Which sucks, I was about to score a bingo on Words With Friends. Oh, the H-U-M-A-N-I-T-Y!
In conclusion: I'm rich! Rich, I tell you, rich!
President For Life For Ever
The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC