March 15, 2012 at 9:55 AM ET
There's a new investigative political analyst over at "The Colbert Report": Kermit the Frog. The most famous felt amphibian in the world initially insisted he didn't know much about politics on Wednesday night, but that didn't stop Colbert from naming him "Chief Swampland Political Analyst." And despite his humble comments, Kermit (who as Colbert reminded viewers was a veteran reporter for "Sesame Street") leaped right into the political fray, weighing in on the current GOP standings.
"Newt? Oh, Newt!" he began. "Kermit the Frog must know all about newts because I'm an amphibian-American? Do we all look alike to you? ... The fact is, Stephen, that this race is far from over. You know, we haven't even hit Romney's strongholds of New York and California yet. And the closer Mitt gets to that magical number of 1144 delegates, well, the more leverage he has at a hypothetical brokered convention. However! However, you know, if rumors of a Santorum/Gingrich superticket prove true, well, we're in for a hot time in Tampa. How's that?"
Oh, and as Kermit also wanted to make sure everyone knew, "The Muppets: 3D" is available on DVD/Blu-ray on March 20th.
But that wasn't it for Colbert Wednesday night; he also took issue with the outcome of Tuesday night's primaries. He said he was particularly excited about how the race could end up looking like the contest between President Obama and Hillary Clinton last last time around. "Minus any women or black people," he added. "Or magic." He also took a jab at Rick Santorum for his suggestion that reading from a teleprompter is somehow unfit for a president -- and should be illegal. "But we cannot stop at teleprompters," said Colbert. "I reject all pre-written words; that's why I'm against reading books. Books are alive. When I read the words it makes thought sounds in my head like I'm thinking them."
"The Daily Show's" Jon Stewart also did a little rehashing of the winners in Tuesday night's primaries, noting that there's an easy mnemonic device one can use to remember them: "Places you can get to in a Winnebago go to Santorum; places that require a jet or a yacht go to Romney."
What that meant is that Newt Gingrich was left in the cold with no wins, and Stewart was stunned that the candidate acted as if he had won. Stewart came up with a new phrase for the Gingrich campaign: "Newt 2012: You'll see, you'll all see." Gingrich began talking about how his delegates, mixed with Santorum's, would bring two-thirds of the needed delegates, while the "so-called front runner" would have less than one-third. Stewart noted that this doesn't wash -- "You don't get to add Santorum's stuff to yours to make it sound impressive.... That's not your total!"
Elsewhere in late night, the focus was still on making fun of Mitt Romney's financial status. Jay Leno of "The Tonight Show," noted: "President Obama announced his Final Four: They are Kentucky, Ohio State, Missouri and North Carolina. And Mitt Romney announced his Final Four: Goldman Sachs, Wells Fargo, Exxon and The Cayman Islands."
And "Late Show's" David Letterman came up with a new Romney-themed Top 10 list; this time, "Top 10 Other Phrases Never Before Said by Mitt Romney." No. 6: "Let's scour Craigslist for some free couches!" and No. 4: "We can't lay people off, it's not Christmas!" Letterman also returned to the story about Romney's dog tied to the roof of his car with No. 3: "I think the dog would be more comfortable in the car."
Later on, he got guest Martin Short to sing a song for Mitt Romney. Short admitted he and Paul Shaffer had been paid to endorse Romney, then launched into a version of "It's Raining Mitt" (instead of "It's Raining Men"), with the help of three backup singers and multiple Romney cutouts.
Sang Short: "It's raining Mitt, no s---!"