March 7, 2012 at 9:33 AM ET
The Super Tuesday primaries were held yesterday, and "Colbert Report" host Stephen Colbert could barely contain his excitement.
He likened the big political day to the Super Bowl, saying he’s even painting his face the team color -- white (and in his case, that means no paint required). And just as he would with football’s big day, Colbert decided to throw a little tailgate party. He cooked some bratwursts on a fake grill and explained his famous "ten-layer dip," a concoction of ingredients he said represents each state having a primary -- including Idaho potatoes, Virginia ham, Vermont cheese, Alaskan venison and a layer of rust from Ohio.
To get the party started, Colbert added a batch of his famous “Republican salsa,” which was really just a bowl of mayonnaise with a dash of Miracle Whip on top. As for drinks, he whipped up a batch of margaritas. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his blender so he did the mixing with a trans-vaginal ultrasound wand.
"Usually at my parties (the wand) doesn't come out until after the margaritas," he quipped. So with the party plans in place, it was on to the results. Colbert took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and noted that the candidates were all seeking one particular voter: the working-class man or woman. He pulled out an actual blue collar from his lunch pail and put it on.
"Just an average working Joe. Hey, fellas, let's head over to the factory plant and foundry us some metal goods. Welding, am I right? You know, some of my best friends own this company," he said parodying a Romney-esque statement.
On to the results, of which there were none -- "Report" taped too early to be able to actually report anything definitive. But Colbert wasn't going to let all of his effort go to waste -- he was going to report on the results of something. So he declared that Vladimir Putin is once again the president of Russia and that the Samajwadi Party has triumphed in the India State Assembly elections.
"The Daily Show" was in the same boat as "Report" in terms of reporting results -- a taping that happens too early to make jokes about the numbers -- but that didn't stop Jon Stewart. Instead, he focused on the one state all of the candidates had something to say about today -- the state of Israel.
"That's right, each candidate took time out today from the biggest primary yet to address the American-Israel Political Action Committee," reported Stewart.
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