If you've been naughty this year, you may want to treat yourself to a unique gift this holiday season from AlibiNetwork.com, a web site where you can literally buy yourself an alibi.
Whether you're cheating on your wife, you've skipped a day at work, or you're just a dirtball in general, the Alibi Network will provide you with everything you need to cover your tracks.
On Tuesday, MSNBC's Tucker Carlson welcomed "Jeffrey" from the Alibi Network to explain how it works. Jeffrey insisted that his identity be concealed to protect his clients.
To read an excerpt from their conversation, continue to the text below. To watch the video, click on the "Launch" button to the right.
TUCKER CARLSON: So you basically are a lying service for people. I don't mean that in a pejorative way. Why would people call you? Give me examples of why people would want your services.
JEFFREY: Well, for many, many years, and centuries, et cetera, people have been using, let's say, friends or associates to, let's say, cover things up. And that's what we do, except that there's no concern about anybody finding out or having to worry about the friend or the confidante exposing you for any mishaps that might have happened.
CARLSON: So let's say I'm doing something wrong. Let's say you say off your web site, and say I wanted to blow off a day at work. And I call you up. What would you do for me?
JEFFREY: Well, blowing off work is an easy one. Anybody can do that. Not a real popular service, we certainly can call in for you. We can provide excuses. For instance, doctor's call from the doctor's office, with the actual doctor's office on the caller I.D.
... If they choose to call to verify, we could make the number appear to be a doctor's office when it's actually going to our call center.
CARLSON: Amazing. That's impressive. ...
JEFFREY: ... Well, our main concern here is basically helping people get away with extramarital affairs, relationships. We also help people with their image. If they want to be pursued as somebody more important than they are, to impress somebody, we handle that. ...
CARLSON: OK. I'll try this one. Let's say I wanted a raise.
CARLSON: Here at MSNBC.
CARLSON: Could you convince management here that I had an offer from the Food Network or the Weather Channel?
JEFFREY: Oh, absolutely. I mean, we could send e-mails. We could make phone calls on voice mails. Stating that we're from another company, that we're really interested in the certain person to work for us, and we can certainly do that.
CARLSON: That's amazing.
Now, you said that a lot of people who contact you are cheating on their spouses and they want your help. What do they want you to do?
JEFFREY: Well, the people that are using our service for that, to us, what it is is they're very much concerned with their family and their home situation. They want to keep their marriage. They want to keep their family situation. It's a short-term, let's say, a short-term affair that they want covered up.
Get it out of your system, the seven-year itch, so to speak and get it done and move on and put it behind you and not -- and spare the spouse and the children the hurt.
CARLSON: What is your personal favorite alibi you've come up with?
JEFFREY: Well, most of the alibis are 99 percent concocted by our clients, but we have a lot of clients that come to us and say, well, we want to spend a weekend somewhere with a significant other, or somebody else.
And, well, what we do is we provide seminars, training classes, very elaborate, let's say, hoaxes to make it appear that the person is, indeed, in a business atmosphere instead of a pleasure atmosphere.
CARLSON: Wow, so you're going to Barbados for that dental conference, but in fact, you're going with your girlfriend.
JEFFREY: Exactly. Or anywhere in the world, we provide phone numbers from anyplace in the world. Again, the Caller I.D. will state whatever the client wants it to state, and we do it quite well.
CARLSON: That is diabolical. Jeffrey, does your wife know what you do for a living?
JEFFREY: Absolutely, yes, she does.
CARLSON: What does she think?
JEFFREY: Well, she thinks, as far as the way I explain it to her, which we believe here at Alibi Network, that if we're doing this, we are saving marriages. The divorce rate -- even if the divorce rate could go just a percentage lower than it is, then our job was well done because of the fact that people are not finding out. They move on with their life, and their family life remains the same, untouched.
CARLSON: So this is a pro-family service.
CARLSON: All right. Jeffrey, last name unknown, joining us by silhouette, from an unknown location, undisclosed. Thank you, Jeffrey, I appreciate it.
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