updated 3/27/2006 5:22:09 PM ET 2006-03-27T22:22:09

CHRISTMAS

Front: "Spread some holiday cheer."
Inside: "Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?"

BIRTHDAY

Front: "My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her." Inside: "So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday."

Front: "I wanted to give you a body piercing for your birthday."
Inside: "But I didn't think I could get you drunk enough to where you wouldn't feel the stapler!"

WEDDING & ENGAGEMENT

Front: "Did I hear wedding bells?"
Inside: "Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!"

Front: "Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population."
Inside: "But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope."

MOTHER'S DAY

Front: "When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride."
Inside: "At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again."

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