Want to learn how to talk dirty? Or maybe just deal with the shock of what comes out of a lover’s mouth? Sexploration answers your most intimate queries. Got a question? E-mail us.
Q1: My boyfriend keeps asking me about my fantasies. I really don’t want to tell him, because what turns me on in my imagination is not necessarily something I would actually like in reality. How do I get him to stop asking?
Q2: My boyfriend and I talk dirty to each other when we are in the heat of the moment. The last time, though, he mentioned wanting to watch me perform oral sex on another man while he made love to me from behind. How do I deal?
Q3: My hubby likes me to talk dirty in bed, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any sexual experiences with other people and only know what he showed me. Help me surprise him.
A classic “Seinfeld” episode featured Jerry caught in a dirty-talk disaster: “I can’t believe you said that!” an outraged date shouts at Jerry as she rushes out of his bedroom.
“What? What?!” Jerry answers. “You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!”
This proves something we at Sexploration have always believed: Anything blurted out in the heat of passion doesn’t count.
“People say all kinds of things” when we are sexually aroused, says Barbara Keesling, a psychologist and author of books such as “The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex” and, most appropriately, “Talk Sexy to the One You Love.” For example, many women may enjoy rape fantasies and might say so during sex, but would certainly never wish to be assaulted.
“What the research on fantasy shows is that 90-some percent of the stuff people say in the heat of moment is not something they want to see or do in real life,” Keesling says. So a man who says he’d like to see his lover performing sex acts with others — a Doberman pinscher or Android 14 from “Dragon Ball Z” — may not truly desire any such thing.
“Or maybe he does,” Keesling suggests, “and this could be grounds for a good discussion” outside the bedroom. “Is he trying to edge her into a three-way? Maybe she can say to him [later], ‘Is that something you have done before?’”
Fantasies are powerful, normal and healthy, but they are not real. And according to Keesling, most of our fantasies are disappointingly common. What you may think is extraordinarily wild and disturbing may be pretty much what Ms. Goldfarb, your third-grade teacher, fantasized about.
Sharing fantasies can be a bonding experience. “I think it is great to share with a partner,” Keesling says, “IF you are the type of couple that has not one speck of sexual jealousy between you at all.” She believes most couples do not fit that description, and that since fantasies are private, nobody is obliged to share.
As for how to talk dirty, Keesling suggests you use your imagination, write out naughty scenarios and then practice in front of a mirror — especially the use of words for genitals and acts, and the occasional nasty word — until you can do it without laughing. (I’m laughing just picturing that.) “Sounds goofy, but it works,” Keesling insists. “Try some things that are sexy but are not dirty. Like, everybody loves ‘I love you.’ Then she could say, ‘I love the way you touch my breasts.’ Then, ‘I love the way you bleep my whatever.’”
Q1: My wife has orgasms with clitoral stimulation but not by intercourse. Why? Is there a way I can give her both?
Q2: My boyfriend hates that I can’t have an orgasm during conventional sex. I’ve explained to him that I’ve only been able to with a few partners. I know this bothers him even though he says it doesn’t. It does, however, bother me. Why does this happen?
We have said it before and we will say it again, no doubt, but it is totally normal for women to have difficulty achieving orgasm during intercourse. Studies show that about one-third of women rarely or never achieve one (and even if you did with “a few other partners,” there’s no need to tell your current one). There can be many reasons why, but most often the cause is anatomical. For example, her clitoris may not align with his pubic bone. Different positions (such as when the woman is on top) can help, so experiment, but don’t count on success and don’t stress. Remember, you can always try to bleep her whatever.