Helen Popkin
updated 2/2/2009 9:00:53 AM ET 2009-02-02T14:00:53

It’s not a computer virus, but for some Facebook members, it’s starting to feel like one. It’s called the "25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you," and it seems all the kids are doing it. The Facebook notification pops up in your e-mail or Facebook "wall" with instructions to list these 25 things and tag 25 of your own “friends” to do the same.

The only thing lacking in this dubious invitation is the dire threat of a chain letter — that failure to comply means certain death in say, the next 25 days. Well, turnabout is fair play. Let's see how YOU like it, Facebook!

1.  Facebook fosters the illusion that every person you know actually cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

2.  Nobody cares that you left your Nikes in the locker room at Crunch.

3.  If you join Facebook to find out what your kids are up to, you might actually find out what your kids are up to.

4.  You don’t want to find out what your kids are up to.

5.  Unless, of course, you want to find photos of your 19-year-old daughter making out with another 19-year-old coed for the edification of a bunch of 19-year old dudes doing beer bongs. (That’s age 19, if you’re lucky.)

6.   You can announce your divorce on Facebook via the heart icon thingy .

7.   Don’t announce your divorce on Facebook.

8.   Don’t announce your divorce on Facebook for a number of reasons, the least of which is that all your "friends" will respond on your "wall" with sympathies that in a different era would've been delivered in privacy. You wouldn’t console somebody by shouting across a room full of people. Why are you doing it on a Facebook "wall?"

9.   You people take Facebook way too seriously.

10.  A woman was killed after changing her relationship status on Facebook.

11.  Remember that Burger King "Whopper Sacrifice" application that allegedly offered a free Whopper coupon for every 10 friends you dumped? Well, you probably shouldn’t have dumped a couple of your oldest friends, two of which are hardcore vegans. At least one of them didn’t find it hilarious at all and now they won’t “re-friend” you.

12.  If you join Facebook to find people you used to know , you’re just as likely to find your middle school BFF Jill as you are to reignite the passions of that one guy from Photography class who has been stalking you since junior college.

13.  "Don’t Get Botox"

14.  Facebook can get you fired. Yes, you . Just like you are not that one person who can drive safely while talking on a cell phone, you are not that one person who is in no danger of getting fired for something stupid posted by or about you on Facebook.

15.  What’s more, your boss is on Facebook. If you join, you’re going to have to decide whether to accept his or her "friendship." If you accept, you risk losing your job for something he or she stumbles upon. If you attempt to play it safe by not accepting your boss’s "friendship,"  you risk losing your job for offending him or her.

16.  Oh, and you’re also at risk of alienating your oldest friends by bumping their rank in your "Always show these friends" box. We’re talking your adult friends, like, in their 30s and 40s, with jobs and kids and all kinds of grown-up responsibilities.

17.  Your otherwise grown-up friends are angry at you for bumping their "Always show these friends" rank because obviously you’re trying to communicate some kind of super secret Facebook message along the lines of, "I value your friendship two-people less today than I did yesterday." It’s like watching your friendship stock plummet.

18.  The esteemed widow of former Emperor of Malawi did not just send you a "friend" request, nor is she bearing a unique and prosperous offer straight out of Nigeria just for you.

19.  And while we’re on the subject, I'VE JUST BEEN HELD UP AT GUNPOINT IN LONDON AND I NEED YOU TO SEND ME $600 NOW!!!!!

20.  Facebook is most concerned about Your Privacy . (And the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny are friends!)

21.  Don’t connect your Facebook and Twitter accounts. People you haven’t heard from for, like, seven years — people you never thought you were friends with — will leave lame and annoying comments on your Tweets.

22.  It’s like, hey, if you want to rekindle the friendship I never thought we had, call me or at least send a private e-mail. Jeez.

23.  OK, the cool thing about having your Facebook and Twitter accounts connected is that your Tweets show up as your status updates. But then, if people respond on Twitter and maybe ask you something, and you respond via Twitter, it shows up as your Facebook status, and that’s annoying.

24.  While you're sending zombie challenges to all your "friends," there's a guy in Egypt using Facebook to foment democracy.

25.  Eventually, someone will post photos from your high school yearbook. Dang, your hair was big.

Naw, but seriously. You kids are awesome! Come "friend" me on Facebook!

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