Image: Teen wolf
Michael Wann  /  YouTube
"Wolfpaw47" listens to Avenged Sevenfold in his free time, hangs out with his friends under the full moon "when my mom lets me outside," and sports this "natural birthmark" on his hand — er —paw.
Helen Popkin
updated 6/1/2010 2:45:08 PM ET 2010-06-01T18:45:08

In terms of Internet years, the few days it took for the San Antonio teen werewolf meme to move from viral local news video to cyber punch line is by no means remarkable.

Consider last year’s Balloon Boy, a full-blown cross media running gag before those unfamiliar with the laws of physics found out  the kid wasn’t even in that Mylar publicity stunt.

But the current glut of “Teen Wolf/Team Jacob” satires on YouTube is hilarious.

Sorry werewolves of John Marshall High School, aka “Emo kids with tails,” it just is. And I say this as someone was once believed to be a Satan worshipper on account of I wore all black all the time.

I was also sent home from school for having purple hair and black nail polish. That’s right kids! No Hot Topic in those dark days. Administrators used to SUSPEND you for the de rigor teen fashion of today.

“What’s most encouraging from this video is the totally lax position taken by the school representatives; the parent featured in the piece; and — amazingly — even the news reporter,” True/Slant’s Colin Horgan observed of the KENS5 news segment.

That’s a nice point … but listen. I watch a lot of “Law & Order” … A LOT of “Law & Order,” and that one kid identified as the group’s alpha “Wolfy Blackheart?” KENS5 reports that kid was totally busted with the skull of a neighbor’s missing dog. Look, I don’t know the details … whether the kid murdered the dog, then bleached the flesh off the bones in order to claim his trophy… the hard hitting KENS5 news team left that out.

But hey, between color context and plastic fangs (plus raccoon tails?), there isn’t enough time to fit in everything — like whether this kid is a budding serial killer or just the neighborhood’s gruesome found art collector. I’m just saying …

So anyhoo … back to the comedy. To help you make the most of the time you’re wasting at work, here are a couple of links to some of the funnier teen werewolf snaps on YouTube. You can search for more yourself, but be advised, some of those you may find may be NSFW (not safe for work). Here are some that are:

Pissed-off Werewolf
Posted on the John Rants channel, this YouTube video features a “real” werewolf in a rubber mask (under which may or may not be a boy who suffers his own middle school torments).

He boasts of his “real hair,” his “real rubber ears,” and how “I’m friends with Jacob from ‘Twilight!’ SUCK ON THAT!" (sic) while taking umbrage that those poseur werewolves at John Marshall High call themselves a “family” instead of a “pack.” In closing “You’re a bunch of Furries!”

The Mrchard channel posts this jump-cut response "to that news casting show"  from a howling-mad "Wolfpaw47" who listens to Avenged Sevenfold on his free time, hangs out with his friends under the full moon "when my mom lets me outside," and sports a natural birthmark on his hand — er —paw. "Team Jacob forever!"

Re: Teen Werewolves
Eric Wacheeta follows up this video with a response suggesting parents take away the “Twilight” books. But his original loss for words is funnier.


Image: Street Light
The Real Street Light knows teen wolves have issues with those Cullens ... but still.
Freakin’ howlarious YouTube critic “The Real Street Light” gives his rundown on this alleged “teen werewolf” fad, and some advice. “Listen Jacob, I know you kinda got this problem with Edward Cullen or however that go … you’re not a werewolf.”

In fact, compared to the rest of the guffawing Internet masses, Street Light is downright sympathetic to the teen wolf cause … until he gets to the part about “Wolfy Blackheart” and the neighbor’s dog. “Wait wait wait … I was starting to be on your side until you went and killed Air Bud over there. What’s up with that?”

What’s up with that indeed.

What are ya, chicken? Join Helen A.S. Popkin on Facebook or follow her on Twitter. All the kids are doin' it!

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