Helen Popkin
updated 8/9/2010 8:38:26 AM ET 2010-08-09T12:38:26

The most interesting aspect of virgin dating site — besides its grammatically interesting name — is probably the gift shop.

To be sure, isn't the first virgin-targeted dating site — you know how popular being a virgin is these days, what with Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson re-converting (i.e. renewing their commitment to chastity) during their short-lived re-engagement and all. But it may be the first one that offers an actual prop to create literal card-carrying virgins ... or maybe virgin Pokemon.

The dating site's store offers perplexingly "sold-out" gift memberships (did they run out of Internet?), obligatory rubber wristbands (VirginStrong!) and plastic virginity cards. "Vcards can be used to represent the value of your purity," reads the description for the product valued at $3.50 ($5 for customers outside the U.S.). "No returns. No Refunds. No store credit."

Just like your virginity!

Oh I could make these jokes all day long — just like we made fun of the high school virgins back in the '80s, when "virgin" is what the cool bullies called you when they wanted to negatively impact your self-esteem. "Virgin!"

Now there are dating sites, so boys and girls can get together to make it harder to maintain their virginities. Because let's face it, the easiest way to stay a virgin is to not date.

"Hey, this being a virgin thing is way too easy! Maybe I need a boyfriend!" (That's "boyfriend" if female, because Proposition 8/Smoposition 8, this particular virgin dating site is hooking up singles like it's Aug. 4, 2010. (Boy/girl or girl/boy.)

Is it worth the wait? Anxious virgins looking to meet their match can read (currently three) inspirational stories written by people who got married and had sex, allegedly in that order. Mind you, the writing is modest. It reads like the lamest fan fiction on the Internet. Frankly one expects better story exposition from the recently deflowered blathering away online. (Might I suggest substituting one of the main players with Capt. Kirk, Edward Cullen … or for the discerning ex-virgin, Snape, as one of the main players?)

Speaking of writing, the home page features a detailed description of what constitutes a virgin — in case potential site members aren't sure — repeating the term "sexual intercourse" more than three times in one paragraph. This attempt to clarify "sexual intercourse" only muddles an increasingly muddled topic. Is "everything else" okay? Are you still eligible for a Vcard?

Seriously. Respect, y'all. Nevermind that fetishized "purity" has been used to oppress women since the dawn of time or that teens who take virginity pledges are more likely to engage in riskier sexual behavior. Virginity is a rare and valuable commodity these days — according to "It was reported in 2009 that someone was willing to pay 5.6 million dollars to buy the virginity of a woman." Who reported? Who was that "someone?" Maybe the same guy who loaned his sweater to a beautiful young woman the night before, and found it the next morning — ON HER GRAVE!

What does a virgin look like? Another dating site, OKCupid, has a photo game in which you're shown a series of photos and asked to guess which photos contain virgins — kind of like that quiz where you're asked to distinguish Helvetica font from Arial. The "guess the virgin" game should be a lot easier to play on … in theory. The virgin dating sites home page features images of a diverse rainbow of racially-matched "happy couples." Alas, reading the print at the bottom reveals, "The persons in the photos are models. The images are being used for illustrative purposes only."

Sigh. So there's no way to really know. Is anybody a virgin anymore? better hope so if it wants to make it beyond the Jonas Brothers demographic.

Follow Helen A.S. Popkin on Twitteror friend her on Facebook. What are you, chicken?

© 2013 Reprints


Discussion comments


Most active discussions

  1. votes comments
  2. votes comments
  3. votes comments
  4. votes comments