Essay
My view of the idea that it is personal satisfaction rather than money or fame that motivates people to achieve is sometimes wrong because in sports some people do it for personal satisfaction because they love the game and some people do it for the money because it pays well. For example, in the NFL there are two types of people, one plays for the check and the other plays for the ring.
Why this essay received a score of 1
Offering little evidence to support the writer's point of view ("My view of the idea that it is personal satisfaction rather than money or fame that motivates people to achieve is sometimes wrong"), this response is fundamentally lacking. The sparse supporting evidence provided is weak ("in sports some people do it for personal satisfaction because they love the game and some people do it for the money") and repetitive ("For example, in the NFL there are two types of people, one plays for the check and the other plays for the ring"). The essay consists of only two sentences, and one of these sentences displays flawed structure ("My view of the idea that it is personal satisfaction rather than money or fame that motivates people to achieve is sometimes wrong because in sports some people do it for personal satisfaction because they love the game and some people do it for the money because it pays well"). To merit a higher score, this essay needs to exhibit more control over sentence structure as well as demonstrate stronger critical thinking by providing further focused and detailed evidence to adequately develop the point of view. Overall, this essay demonstrates very little mastery and is scored a 1.