updated 8/22/2005 10:29:19 AM ET 2005-08-22T14:29:19

Guest: Pat Brown, Ben Stein, Woody Paige, Bill Beeny

MAX KELLERMAN, GUEST HOST:  It‘s 11:00 o‘clock in New York City, 8:00 o‘clock in Vegas, time to punch the clock in Honolulu, and we‘ve clocked all the most interesting situations in every time zone there is.  Another actor may run for California governor, and it‘s not Warren Beatty.  A SITUATION exclusive, claiming there‘s DNA evidence that Elvis Presley is still alive.  And an old nemesis of mine is our special guest outsider of the day.

Now, to breakdown the headlines is author, TV personality, movie, and fellow Columbia alum, Ben Stein.  Ben, thank you for being here.

BEN STEIN, TV PERSONALITY:  Thank you very much.  Roar, lion, roar.

KELLERMAN:  I feel as though I should call you Mr. Stein—the formidable intellect.

STEIN:  Well, you‘re very kind to say so.

KELLERMAN:  First up, there are news stories that are important and news stories that are merely interesting.  Now, of course, compared to Gaza, or Iraq, or oil prices, the BTK killer doesn‘t amount to much.  But Dennis Rader‘s sentencing Thursday is the definition of water cooler talk.  He went away forever today, with everyone still buzzing about Judge Greg Waller‘s decision to give a depraved and indifferent serial killer 30 uninterrupted minutes to address the court and the entire cable news audience, live.

Mr. Stein, it seems to me that a judge is paid to exercise judgment, and here, the judge failed miserably.  By allowing the BTK killer to hold court, he re-empowered him, and it was doubly bad, because it was agonizing for the families to have to go through that.

STEIN:  Well, I would have liked to have seen a strong member of the family slowly strangle that man on national television just to give a lesson about what happens to people who murder innocent women in this country.  But, of course, it was a mistake to let him ramble on for so long and give a talk as if he were receiving an award.  That was crazy.

And the judge did show error, but I doubt if anything could be done about it at this point.  This man, I suspect, will not have such a good time in jail or in prison.  I hope he suffers terribly.  I mean, this is a man who really should not be alive, and I think there‘s something wrong with the criminal justice system that he‘s allowed to have a life sentence instead of being executed.

KELLERMAN:  Well, I am opposed to the death penalty, but we can table that for now.  I certainly think that one way to have humiliated him in court, a serial killer with obviously a severe inferiority complex, parade out some psychoanalysts, some investigators to point out everywhere he went wrong, to point out his inadequacies, what led to this kind of behavior, and meanwhile, have him under gag order.  That certainly would have humiliated him.  At least it wouldn‘t have allowed him a platform to pontificate.

STEIN:  Well, you know, he is so extremely sick that I doubt if he feels that anything much can humiliate him.  He‘s a terrible sick person who should not really be supported at taxpayer expense.  He‘s a dangerous, vicious, unredeemed human being.  There‘s just really no place for him on the planet earth.

KELLERMAN:  There is not, indeed.  The Bush administration, meanwhile, has turned its sights on the crystal meth problem in this country.  Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez went to Tennessee to announce that a million bucks would be spent on ads about meth, and $16 million over three years will go to treatment programs. 

But Republican Congressman Mark Souder said the new policy is a bit late and a bit weak.  And Democratic Rep. Brian Baird points out that the administration has spent too long focused on marijuana, not meth.

Mr. Stein, I really don‘t feel comfortable calling you Ben.  Maybe Ben Stein.

STEIN:  Call me Ben.  You can call me Ben.

KELLERMAN:  Well, ok, with your permission.

STEIN:  I would be honored.

KELLERMAN:  Ben, it seems to me as though these politicians make good points.  Marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol, yet it‘s illegal.  But that‘s a bad diversion of resources, when meth, crystal meth is cheap to produce and sell, it‘s highly addictive, and highly destructive.

STEIN:  Crystal meth is unbelievably highly destructive.  Unlike you, I do know a number of people who‘ve been addicted to crystal meth, and I even know some who have manufactured crystal meth.  It‘s an unbelievably dangerous, horrible drug.  Throwing $17 million at it is a joke.  It needs to have enormously greater resources thrown at it.  There is, basically, as with all addictions, only a spiritual solution to this problem.  It‘s not going to be solved by government programs.

And no “Department of Sobriety” is going to solve it.  Twelve step programs will solve it, ultimately.  But $17 million is a joke to educate people about how bad it is.  As to the marijuana issue, present day marijuana—not that I know from firsthand experience—but last time I used it, which was about 25 years ago, it was incredibly strong.  It‘s apparently gotten much stronger since.

People tell me you start tripping after a couple of hits.  I think that‘s a lot stronger than wine or bourbon or gin.  I think it‘s incredibly dangerous.  I mean, I know a lot of people who are smoking marijuana whose lives have been totally wrecked by it.  It is not a harmless drug.  On the other hand, for medical purposes, if it really alleviates the suffering of terminal cancer patients, I think it‘s just plain sadistic to deny it to them.

KELLERMAN:  Well, whether or not it‘s harmless, clearly, no vice is really harmless.  But the reason it‘s illegal is because a notorious racist, Harry S. Anslinger, in 1930, the first federal narcotics chief, lied to Congress about marijuana, said it was a violence inducing drug.  It‘s simply untrue, and no studies that I‘m aware of have shown where marijuana has caused more damage than alcohol, which is legal.

So again, of course, marijuana‘s not good for you, but should the federal government really be spending any money at all in terms of the prevention of marijuana use when they don‘t really in terms of the prevention of alcohol?

STEIN:  Oh, they do spend money on the prevention of alcohol.  They put a hell of a lot of people in jail for drunk driving in the District of Columbia, and that‘s spending money on alcohol abuse.  But there is a real serious problem with marijuana, which is it makes you start hallucinating and acting kind of nutty in a way that alcohol doesn‘t, unless you consume it in very, very large quantities.

KELLERMAN:  I‘ve never heard of someone hallucinating from marijuana.

STEIN:  Well, we can talk later about that.  But people do hallucinate and start tripping on present day chronic, and it‘s a very, very powerful, dangerous drug.  But as I say, if people need it to alleviate the pain of cancer, or other terminal or very serious diseases, I say let them have it.  We have much, much, much too much emphasis on taking painkillers away from people who are seriously sick in this country.  That‘s a real crisis too.

KELLERMAN:  In the words of Anchorman, in terms of marijuana, Ben, agree to disagree.

STEIN:  Ok.

KELLERMAN:  Like most people, I can‘t wait to retire.  However, a study at Rutgers University released this week shows that 12 percent of Americans think they‘ll work until they die.  They don‘t have enough money.  Seventy percent say they‘ll keep slaving away past retirement age.

Ben Stein, you know a thing or two about money, you just wrote a book called “Yes, You Can Still Retire Comfortably.”  I believe SITUATION viewers would like to hear how to pull it off.

STEIN:  Well, you start very young, you save until it hurts.  You should start saving at about the same time as you‘re old enough to start having sex.  You should save in a regular plan.  You know, you‘re going to have to have 15 times your pre-retirement salary after taxes available to you when you retire in order to live at the same level that you lived at before retirement -- 15 times.  If you‘re earning $100,000 a year, you‘re going to have to have a million and a half, roughly, in savings.

Not that many people have 15 times what they were earning before they retired saved.  They‘ve got to start saving right away.  It‘s not too late at any age to make progress, but it is vital that you start now with a diversified program, 50 percent total stock market index, 50 percent total bond market index.  You can get it from Schwab, or Fidelity, or Vanguard.  But start now.

There‘s nothing you can buy right now, no color TV, no trip to Italy, nothing that is worth as much as a comfortable retirement.  To the old and poor, it is absolutely a horror show.  We, I think, take you through step by step how you can avoid doing it and telling you how much you need to save year by year throughout your whole life to avoid being poor in your old age.  It‘s vital that you do it.  You don‘t want to be poor and old.

KELLERMAN:  Especially with the shape that social security‘s in.

STEIN:  Terrible shape.

KELLERMAN:  I perused your book, and the point seems to be again and again, discipline.  But it seems to me as though the people who need to read your book the most would be people who are unlikely to buy it, people without discipline.

STEIN:  Well, that‘s not really true.  People are willing to be disciplined, but they have to learn how to apply that discipline.  That is, they have to learn what to buy, what to buy in the way of stocks and bonds.  It seems like an incredibly complicated subject that only sophisticated people on Wall Street know about.  But really, a couch potato‘s portfolio of 50 percent of the total stock market index, 50 percent of the total bond market index—if you start on that when you are in your 20s, and with very modest sums, just a 100 or a couple 100 a month, you will get there by the time you‘re 65.

Even in your 50s, if you start with a substantial amount of savings each month, you will get there.  It‘s just that you‘re going to have to save a heck of a lot more if you wait until you‘re older.  Start young.  And don‘t try to do anything fancy.  Don‘t try to pick the next Google.  Don‘t try to pick the next Microsoft.  Just buy what‘s obvious, which is the total stock market indexes.

KELLERMAN:  I have a question for you.  Are you from the East Coast?

STEIN:  I‘m from Maryland, which is...

KELLERMAN:  That counts.

STEIN:  ... yes.

KELLERMAN:  Is it just me, or is everything they say about California true?  They already elected Arnold Schwarzenegger governor, and the San Francisco Chronicle reported today that Democratic Party insiders are tossing around their own ideas for their next nominee, which include Robin Williams, Mork.  Now, I‘ve seen Mork beat the Fonz, Ben—Happy Days—but could he beat the “Governator?”  Would it be possible for him to beat Schwarzenegger?

STEIN:  No, it‘s not possible.  I live in California.  It‘s the best place on the face of the earth.  It‘s absolute paradise.  And the governor has done a very good job, but Robin Williams is not a serious contender.

KELLERMAN:  So you think that Schwarzenegger has done a good job.  Tucker Carlson, on this show, THE SITUATION WITH TUCKER CARLSON, has made the point in the past that politics, it is said, is show business for the unattractive.  Is the kind of introduction of Hollywood figures, and starting with Ronald Reagan, I guess, the sort of natural evolution of politics in this country, that it will become the show business for the attractive, as show business is?

STEIN:  Well, I would back up and say I don‘t think there‘s ever been any actor handsomer than Ronald Reagan or any actor handsomer than Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  So politics is, actually, business for the very attractive.  George Bush is incredibly handsome.  Clinton, I guess, to some, was attractive.  So I disagree with the premise.

But I do think that the governor facing the incredible power of the public service unions in California is trying to do a very good job, working awfully hard at it.  And I think eventually, he will bring about some marginal change.  But you know what?  It doesn‘t have to be change very much.  It‘s paradise right now.  If we can just keep it anywhere near what it is now, it‘s the best place in the world.

KELLERMAN:  Mr. Ben Stein, thank you so much for coming on THE

SITUATION.

STEIN:  Thank you.

KELLERMAN:  Still to come, I needed to pull someone from even further outside the news world to fill my sizable shoes as the outsider, and look who I came up with.  From ESPN, it‘s my old friend—and I mean old in the pejorative sense—Woody Paige.  Woody, what‘s going on?

WOODY PAIGE, ESPN:  I don‘t want to call you Max.  Is it ok if I call you goat boy?

KELLERMAN:  I would expect nothing less, or more.  Plus, Dennis Rader‘s going to prison for the rest of his miserable life.  Will he die of natural causes, or will his fellow inmates shorten his term, so to speak?  An expert weighs in next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  It‘s time now for THE SITUATION CRIME BLOTTER, where we take a look at the most compelling stories of who dunnit and who caught them.  First up, they say you have to be in it to win it, but one Arizona convenience store worker found another way to win the lottery.

Officials say she just kept the million-dollar ticket.  Not a perfect plan, since she was arrested Monday.  Now, lottery officials are looking for the real winner, and in case anybody has any ideas, they say they have surveillance photos of the ticket‘s rightful owner.  There goes my idea.

In California, four tree trimmers had to run for their lives Tuesday when a woman who really loves her trees allegedly chased them with a chainsaw.  Cops say Diane Kaiser cursed, screamed, and threw rocks at the workers from Pacific, Gas & Electric when they showed up to remove branches around power lines near her home.  They say she then menaced them with a chainsaw.

Kaiser also allegedly twisted the fingers of the arresting officer, or an arresting officer.  And an update on a story we covered a couple of nights ago, the Power Ranger murder.  Former child actor Skylar Deleon, who‘s accused of murdering a couple to steal their yacht, is now charged with another murder, this one committed while he was serving time in jail at night and allowed out to work during the day.  Deleon allegedly killed a fellow prisoner on a trip to Mexico.

Now, to discuss the biggest crime stories of the day, the criminal profiler, Pat Brown.  Pat, thanks for joining me.

PAT BROWN, CRIMINAL PROFILER:  Hi, Max.

KELLERMAN:  Ok, the BTK killer, I think this judge erred terribly, showed terrible judgment in allowing him to talk at all.  You dis-empower a guy like this.  You bring in people to point out his inadequacies, his personal inadequacies, his possible sexual inadequacies, anything to humiliate him and certainly make the victims‘ families feel better, not worse.

BROWN:  Well, I‘m with you there, Max.  There‘s nothing you can really do to humiliate a serial killer anyway.  If you allow him to talk, if you say anything to him, it doesn‘t matter.  He‘s in his own little world, so it‘s really quite pointless.  What it really does...

KELLERMAN:  Pat, I don‘t think that‘s true.  Serial killers—it‘s never about sex or about actually killing.  It‘s about power.  If you take away their power, publicly especially, if you humiliate them, if you make them feel small and point out their inadequacies, it does not feel good for them.  It feels bad.

BROWN:  That doesn‘t really matter.  That‘s the whole point.  It doesn‘t really matter.  We can‘t do enough to a serial killer to really impact him in any way, shape, or form, except isolate him in a dark hole where he has absolutely no power whatsoever.  So I really think this whole charade that went on in the court was not about getting any kind of justice for the victims and allowing Rader to speak or them to speak to him. 

I think it was because the prosecution said they were going to show us what evidence they had to link him to all these crimes and what a great investigation was done.  And really, we didn‘t see that.  All we saw was Rader telling all these stories about what happened at the crime scenes, which he could have gotten out of a newspaper.

KELLERMAN:  That‘s very interesting.  You‘re saying that it was, in effect, a ploy to divert attention from the fact that the prosecution didn‘t do such a great job.

BROWN:  Exactly.  There really wasn‘t that much evidence in a lot of these crimes.  We know he did commit a good portion of these crimes, but we don‘t know that he committed all 10.  There was no evidence linking him to the Otero crime.  There was no evidence linking him to the Bright crime.  Essentially, he just said he did it, and I could have said those exact same things.

I think what they did was they knew they didn‘t have this to prove, so they said, “Well, let‘s just let him talk,” and everybody will be so creeped out by him.  Because he is a creepy guy, and he is a serial killer.  So, of course, we‘re going to say, “This has got to be BTK.”  And he may well be BTK, or he may be BTK number two if he was a copycat at some point.  We really don‘t know.  All this is hidden.

KELLERMAN:  Interesting.  But this is interesting, not really important compared to the next thing I want to ask you about, a story that got far too little coverage in the press.  It was covered on THE SITUATION WITH TUCKER CARLSON, right here—about a terrorist plot hatched in Folsom Prison in California, which was foiled by the authorities, but what are terrorists doing communicating with the outside world or even mingling in the general population?  Why would we allow a population of malcontents and the disenfranchised, and people who feel as though they are oppressed by the government mingle with terrorist recruiters?

BROWN:  Well, we allow prisoners to mingle with too many people to begin with.  We allow them too much communication with the outside world.  We allow them to have lovers, we allow them to get married, we allow them to do all kinds of crazy things when they‘re supposed to be separated from the world that they have abused.

And so, obviously, you‘re right, these are really dangerous people.  They‘re angry, they‘re enraged, and they‘re really great recruits for any kind of homegrown terrorism.  And to allow them to have any of this going on in prison is absolutely ludicrous.  And I mean, look how many prisoners we‘ve got to pick from.  So any of these homegrown terrorist groups are going to say, “Well, here is somebody—if we know he‘s going to get out in a reasonable amount of time, we can bring him right on into our group.”  And this could be extraordinarily dangerous for the United States, and they‘d better put a lid on this one.

KELLERMAN:  Ok, from the compelling to the important, back to the compelling.  Natalie Holloway, I‘m hearing things now that a guy is claiming he has a device that they can start looking underwater for Natalie Holloway.  Now, it seems to me that if you‘re looking for her on a mountaintop, you‘re looking for someone who‘s still alive.  If you‘re looking underwater, you‘re looking for someone who is no longer alive.

And while it would give psychological closure to the family, as someone—my brother was murdered, I can tell you that psychological closure is overrated.  I would rather not know and think there‘s some chance that he‘s out there somewhere.  Isn‘t this also a bad diversion of resources that could go to, I don‘t know, fighting terrorism.

BROWN:  Yeah, absolutely.  I think when you have a crime that‘s unsolved and sitting out there a long time, you get all kinds of crazies that come forth.  All the psychics that show up.  We see police using psychics, they‘re digging up all the property, and they‘re like, “Come on, now, these psychics don‘t know anything.”  And I‘m going to get that hate mail, because I always get hate mail from psychics.

But they‘re just wasting a whole lot of resources.  So why do they do it?  Why do the police allow this?  Because it makes them still look like they‘re doing something.  And it makes the family happy, usually, because they‘re trying.  But it is, it‘s a ludicrous waste of resources.

KELLERMAN:  Pat, last question.  Do the psychics write the hate mail before or after you make the comments?

BROWN:  Well, they always try to tell me where everybody is, where Chandra Levy is, and they were totally wrong with her.

KELLERMAN:  No, I mean, if they‘re psychics, they really shouldn‘t have to wait for you to make the comment, right?  They should know what‘s coming.

BROWN:  Good point, Max.

KELLERMAN:  Pat Brown.

BROWN:  They should.  They hate me.

KELLERMAN:  Thank you so much.

BROWN:  My pleasure, Max.

KELLERMAN:  Coming up, what would cause California police to rough up and handcuff a seven-year-old boy in front of his elementary school classmates?  You won‘t believe the answer.  Also ahead, nothing special about Elvis impersonators, but how about an Elvis impersonator with DNA evidence that the King ain‘t dead?  Make your life better by sticking around.

(BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  It‘s time for THE OUTSIDER, a brash, charismatic contrarian from outside the cable news business.  Usually, I play THE OUTSIDER, but today, mad with power, I‘m on the inside.  So I‘m on the outside looking in.  It‘s the star of every show on ESPN, Denver Post sports columnist, and an actual personal friend of Elvis Presley—that‘s true—Woody Paige.  Woody, what‘s going on?

WOODY PAIGE, ESPN‘S “AROUND THE HORN” AND “COLD PIZZA”:  How are you doing, Max?  It‘s really good for you to be back with me.

KELLERMAN:  It sure is.  KNBC TV in Los Angeles reports that the family of seven-year-old Javier Ariano is suing the LAPD because they claim officers responding to the school‘s call handcuffed the kid for three hours and roughed him up a bit.  Javier was reportedly unruly in the principal‘s office, so the school called the cops.  Neither the school district nor the police have commented at this point.

Now, Woody, I am now going to put you in the situation that Tucker puts me in nightly and defend the indefensible.  What could possibly be the defense here?  The kid was seven years old.  The cops had to rough him up, a seven-year-old?  This couldn‘t be handled inside the school?

PAIGE:  Well, first of all, when I was growing up in the South, there were a lot of third graders that were 19 years old, so I don‘t know exactly what happened.

(LAUGHTER)

But we keep hearing the words “claimed” and “reportedly.”  When you hear those types of phrases, you don‘t know exactly what happened.  As you just mentioned, Max, the school and the police have not characterized this as anything so far.  All we‘ve heard about is a family friend saying he got kneed, that he was bouncing back and forth.

How do we know that the police weren‘t trying to protect the kid?

KELLERMAN:  By kneeing him?  Let‘s assume for a second he was, in fact, kneed.  How could that be protecting a kid, by kneeing him?  Why would a cop have to use a knee on a seven-year-old?

PAIGE:  Well, have you ever been around seven... well, I‘m sorry, you act like a seven-year-old.  You know exactly what seven-year-olds are like.  You are talking about the possibility that the kid was suicidal.  I have a friend who is a cop in a high school.  He was talking to a youngster, and the youngster pulled a knife and stuck him in the knee with a knife.  So you don‘t know exactly what could happen.  You don‘t know exactly how the kid was reacting.  And I don‘t know that I‘d believe everybody involved in this case.

KELLERMAN:  Woody, I understand, at your age, those seven-year-olds, they look a little bit dangerous.  But can we move on?

PAIGE:  Sure.

KELLERMAN:  Jose Luis Bentacourt (ph) can‘t win for losing, Woody.  The guy won the lottery, literally won the lottery—say that five times fast—and was due part of a $5.5 million jackpot.  But Jose was also a convicted drug dealer, and a court ruled he had to forfeit the lottery cash because he bought the winning ticket with money he had gotten illegally.

On Wednesday, an appeals court in Texas ruled that Bentacourt, who got a 24-year bid for cocaine trafficking, could not keep his lotto winnings.  Woody, this is outrageous.  How do you prove that the dollar, the particular dollar that was spent to buy that lottery ticket was ill-gotten goods?  He may have borrowed it from his mother for all we know.  How do you know where that dollar came from?

PAIGE:  Well, what else does he do for a living, Max?  I mean, he‘s a drug dealer.  He‘s been convicted.  We‘re not talking about reportedly claimed in this situation.  We‘re talking about a guy that‘s spending 24 years in prison.  Here‘s a plan.  If you want to give him his lottery winnings, give him $5.5 million worth of cigarettes.  He can spend that money in jail that way.

But I‘m saying to you that the federal government attaches cars, it attaches boats when we find that people are coming up from the Caribbean with marijuana or cocaine—they attach houses.  Why can‘t they attach winnings in the lottery?

KELLERMAN:  I‘ll tell you why, Woody...

PAIGE:  They should be...

KELLERMAN:  I‘ll tell you why.  Because there‘s no law prohibiting convicts or drug dealers from buying lottery tickets.  So in that case, they could file a class action suit against the state because they‘re taking their money under false pretenses.  You can buy the lottery ticket.  You just can‘t collect if you win.  That‘s not a lottery.  That‘s robbery.

PAIGE:  I think—no it‘s not Max.  You were absolutely wrong in the situation.  If a convicted drug dealer is out somehow getting money the federal government can take that money.  That‘s been proven over and over again and a judge in an appeals court and a jury have all decided that.  How did you suddenly become judge, jury and an appellate court of this land?  I don‘t think so.

KELLERMAN:  That‘s appellate court.

PAIGE:  You‘re a Yankee‘s fan. 

KELLERMAN:  Woody, once again, just like you in a bar, you‘re O for the evening but it was a valiant effort.

PAIGE:   Well, at least you couldn‘t mute me.

KELLERMAN:  Unfortunately.  Woody, thank you so much for coming on, good to talk to Woody Paige on television again.  It‘s been a long time.

The situations keep developing all over and we stay with them.  Here‘s what‘s coming up.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

KELLERMAN (voice-over):  Living proof that the king isn‘t dead.  We‘ll meet one guy who claims to have the body of evidence.

And, a hair raising spectacle to honor that other King.

DON KING:  Man, we‘re at the ball game.

KELLERMAN:  Got bail?  Colombian cops round up an unusual suspect.

Plus, the dubious human and non-human achievement of the week goes to it‘s all ahead on THE SITUATION.

KING:  Only in America.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  Welcome back.

Let‘s face it what Chuck D. said notwithstanding, Elvis Presley is the man, at least he was.  He reportedly died 28 years ago Tuesday and yet they still call this Elvis anniversary week, this week Elvis anniversary week.  Almost everybody agrees he was the king but not everybody agrees he‘s dead.

Joining me from St. Louis, Missouri to shed exclusive light on the subject, a self-proclaimed expert in this field of study Mr. Bill Beeny.  He‘s the co-founder, along with his wife, of the Elvis is Alive Museum and the author of “Elvis‘ DNA Proves He‘s Alive.”  Mr. Beeny, thanks for joining me.

BILL BEENY, AUTHOR, “ELVIS‘ DNA PROVES HE‘S ALIVE”:  Max, thank you for the invitation.  Let me correct one thing, however.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

BEENY:  On the earlier segment which was very good by the way.

KELLERMAN:  Thank you.

BEENY:  You mentioned that I was an Elvis impersonator.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

BEENY:  In reality, I‘m a land developer.  Very seldom do I ever wear the Elvis outfit but your lovely producer encouraged me to do it and I just couldn‘t resist it.

KELLERMAN:  OK, so you are a land developer who sometimes dresses up as Elvis Presley.

BEENY:  When I‘m forced into it, yes.

KELLERMAN:  When you‘re forced, when we bend our rubber arm.  Tell me about this DNA evidence.  How does this prove he‘s still alive?

BEENY:  Well, through my son‘s law office he was able to get in contact with a doctor in Memphis who lived next door to Dr. Harold Sexton, the pathologist who had done two biopsies on Elvis and had done, participated in the autopsy.

In the course of the radio show that we were doing, the doctor asked us to call him off air, gave us an invitation to come to his house that he had a lot of material on Elvis that he thought we‘d be interested in.

We did go to the doctor‘s house.  He brought out several items.  He brought out a complete copy of the autopsy report, which the family had had sealed until 2025.  He had a stack of papers every day that Elvis was in the hospital.

And then he brought out two little slides, one from 1973, the other from 1975.  Compressed in that slide was a tinge of Elvis‘ liver, about the size of a pinhead.  They thought Elvis had hepatitis in ‘73.  That‘s what had killed his mother Gladys, so they had him to do a biopsy.  It turned out negative.  They thought he had problems later on in ‘75 and they had the second one.

He then brought out a cubicle about four inches square that had a large specimen of flesh about the size of the final joint of your thumb.  This was taken from the cadaver, which was purported to be Elvis.

We discussed these specimens and the doctor said, “Well, I think Elvis is dead.”  My son, Andrew Beeny, said “Well I don‘t know.”  I said, “Well, all the evidence I‘ve collected tells me he‘s alive.”

KELLERMAN:  But the DNA evidence that you seem to be pointing to suggests that the cadaver was not Elvis Presley‘s, not necessarily that you have evidence that Elvis is still alive.  Furthermore, if you do have evidence that shows Elvis‘ DNA it just means he once existed, which you know there‘s a mounting pile of evidence, including records and films and people who knew him that suggest that he actually once lived.  But where is the evidence that he is still alive?

BEENY:  There‘s a lot of evidence that he was alive.  Elvis‘ living aunt asked me to—only living aunt of the aunts and uncles, asked me to visit her.  I did.  We had a three hour conversation.  She said it was my not my nephew in the casket.  She further related that Elvis Presley was alive.  She had no reason to lie to me about that.

KELLERMAN:  Why is he hiding out, Bill?  Why would he be hiding out?

BEENY:  Max, he doesn‘t have to hide out.  Elvis is 70 years old.  He could come in the studio or in yours and we probably wouldn‘t give him a second look.

KELLERMAN:  So, you think he just wanted to escape the pressures of fame?

BEENY:  No, there was a lot more than that.  If you go to Graceland into the trophy room, you‘ll see a letter from the Department of Justice and in this letter they‘re thanking Elvis that he let a federal agent play in his band for two years, ‘74 through ‘76.

As a result of this, the letter in the body of it says there were quality investigations made that led to several arrests and they thanked Elvis for participating in this.

KELLERMAN:  So, he‘s a—Elvis, the crime fighter in his post music career.  Let me ask you this, last question before I let you go. 

BEENY:  Before you let me go I got to tell you how they can get the book.

KELLERMAN:  OK, but where would Elvis be if you had to guess right now?  Where is he?

BEENY:  With the $100 million they just got from selling Elvis Presley Enterprise he could be anywhere he wants to be.

KELLERMAN:  OK.  And now you want to plug a book?

BEENY:  If they want to know more about it, just dial up on their computer elvisdna.com, Tucker—I‘m sorry.

KELLERMAN:  I‘m Max but that‘s OK. 

BEENY:  I made a terrible mistake, terrible mistake.

KELLERMAN:  You can call me Tucker.  You can call me Tucker.  I‘m flattered.

BEENY:  I can call you anything but Tucker.

KELLERMAN:  Well, Bill, thank you very much for coming on the show.

BEENY:  Thank you, Max, I appreciate it.

KELLERMAN:  Bill has further convinced me that there was such a man as Elvis Presley.  He did live.  I don‘t know that he‘s still alive.

Still to come, have you ever opened your suitcase after returning from a trip only to find the clothes inside aren‘t yours?  Well, it happened to one of our voice mailers and you‘ll hear his disgust when we come back.

Plus, a movie about our executive producer Bill Wolf finally hits the big screen.  He‘s 40 years old, extremely hairy and desperately looking for Mrs. Right or Mrs. Left or Mrs. Anyone for that matter.  Stay tuned.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

VANESSA MCDONALD, SITUATION PRODUCER:  Coming up, the triumphant return of the ugliest dog ever.

Plus, a transsexual who says he-she was misdiagnosed.

KELLERMAN:  THE SITUATION returns with me as a woman in 60 seconds.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  Welcome back.  Time to get to tomorrow‘s news right now.

For that we turn to our clairvoyant producer Willie Geist, Willie is it obvious I haven‘t read prompter in a while?

GEIST:  I hadn‘t noticed.  I haven‘t been watching the show.  I thought they just dragged somebody off the street and let them host it.  We had some of the floor guys do the show on Monday.

KELLERMAN:  Actually it‘s a funny story but I‘ll tell you about it later.

GEIST:  You‘re doing fine, buddy.  Keep it up.

KELLERMAN:  Thank you very much.  Here we go, tomorrow‘s headlines today. 

Hunter S. Thompson will be laid to rest tomorrow the way he lived his life, explosively.  The widow of the legendary author and gonzo journalist will honor Thompson‘s wish to have his ashes shot from a cannon over his Woody Creek, Colorado home during a 250-guest star-studded party.  Thompson took his own life in February.

GEIST:  Sounds to me like the way to go, you know what I mean.  If you‘re going to go, just throw a 250-person party, have Johnny Depp, Sean Penn is going to be there.  You got fireworks.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

GEIST:  It‘s enough to make me want to die, throw a nice party.

KELLERMAN:  I can picture it.  I can picture Sean Penn saying, I don‘t mean to not have a sense of humor about this but “He was one of our finest writers.”

GEIST:  Right.  Everybody else is drunk, dancing, he gets all solemn, you know.

KELLERMAN:  News of the weekend at the box office will be about the 40-year-old virgin.  Steve Corels (ph), a guy from NBC‘s very funny show “The Office,” and more importantly the cinematic masterpiece anchorman stars in the movie about, believe it or not, a 40-year-old virgin.  The movie traces the efforts of Corels‘ nerdy character to have sex for the first time.

GEIST:  Max, you pointed it out before.

KELLERMAN:  Yes, obligatory Wolf joke.

GEIST:  We are rooting for this movie because it‘s about the life and times of our executive producer Bill Wolf, so go get them.

KELLERMAN:  He‘s 40.  Let‘s just hope it‘s not the 50-year-old virgin.

GEIST:  Right.

KELLERMAN:  At a certain point we‘re going to have to put him down, you know.

GEIST:  He‘s knocking on the door (INAUDIBLE) was going to get there.

KELLERMAN:  Of course the news everyone will be talking about this weekend is the New York Yankees big series against the Chicago White Sox.  After embarrassing themselves against the lowly Tampa Bay Devil Rays this week, the Yanks find themselves clawing for a spot in the playoffs.  The Boston Red Sox, who through the generosity of my beloved Yanks, slithered into the World Series last year and won it by humiliating the St. Loser Cardinals are still in first place.

GEIST:  Was that another shot at Bill by any chance?

KELLERMAN:  Yes, it was.  He‘s from St. Louis.  He loves the Cardinals.

GEIST:  Oh, I didn‘t realize that.  You know, Max, we‘ve talked about this before.  This year is the fifth anniversary of the last Yankee World Series title.

KELLERMAN:  Which means?

GEIST:  And it‘s been two years since they‘ve even been in a World Series.  We got to do something about that.

KELLERMAN:  Well, you know what that means?  There are 4-year-olds alive right now who have never seen the Yankees win a World Series.

GEIST:  What about the children?

KELLERMAN:  There are 2-year-olds who have never even seen them in a World Series.

GEIST:  It‘s crazy but you know what this is the little team that could.  They‘re going to scratch and claw, this scrappy bunch of kids.

KELLERMAN:  I love it.

GEIST:  Make their way into the playoffs.

KELLERMAN:  Show their character.  Thank you, Willie.

Coming up on THE SITUATION, this looks like a nightmare I had the other night, surrounding by 1,000 Don Kings with no way out.  We‘ll wake up in a cold sweat on the “Cutting Room Floor.”  Don‘t just stay where you are, call all your friends.  Tell them to tune in quick.  They‘re going to miss it.  They‘re not going to want to miss this.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  Welcome back.

Sitting in tonight for Abe Vigoda, I‘m Max Kellerman.

I feel like I‘m on “Masterpiece Theater” in this chair doesn‘t it?  Time now for our voice mail segment where we encourage you to share your thoughts about a story in the news, the show itself or even Tucker, if you please.  Let‘s take a listen.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HENRY, PAGOSA SPRINGS, COLORADO:  Hi, this is Henry from Pagosa Springs, Colorado.  I‘m calling about the TSA.  My son was traveling to camp and those dweebs unpacked his duffle bag and when he got to the destination he looked in it.  Half of his clothes were gone and they were replaced by some lady‘s underwear and a bunch of prescription drugs.  Now what I can‘t understand is why are we paying these people?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KELLERMAN:  Let me get this straight.  Your son claims he doesn‘t know how the women‘s underwear and prescription drugs got in his suitcase?  Not only that but is it that bad a deal, your clothes aren‘t there, instead you got some prescription drugs and women‘s underwear?

Who‘s next?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JEFF, ALTOONA, PENNSYLVANIA:  Jeff calling from Altoona, Pennsylvania and I‘d like to talk about something that I‘ve been seeing on a couple of the news channels the past week and that‘s the reemergence of Mr. Robert Van Winkle, AKA, Vanilla Ice.  He‘s got a new CD out and I‘m wondering why people are advertising for him whenever this guy is a total pothead and a very big advocate of marijuana?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KELLERMAN:  Well, as we know, you know, if someone in the music industry uses any kind of drugs it‘s usually counterproductive and, in fact, this is the first I‘ve ever heard of a musician using any kind of—has anyone ever heard about Vanilla Ice coming out because this guy claims that it‘s being advertised, anyone?  Am I alone in here anyone?  No, me neither.  Vanilla Ice, it‘s the first I‘ve heard of it—next.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHOAD, BOCA RATON, FLORIDA:  This is Choad from Baton Raton, Florida.  I‘m disgusted by that whole, you know, Girl Scout thing.  I just love their cookies, scrumptious, deleumptious (ph) man.  It‘s just not right.  I mean the troop is taking money.  They should be taking their merit badges away.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KELLERMAN:  I‘ll tell you what really bothers me, this really bothers me.  I think it‘s a serious issue.  Little girls are going up to people‘s houses who say things like scruptia-diddly-umptious (ph).  That doesn‘t bother anybody else—next.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

FAYE, NEW YORK:  Hi, this is Faye from New York.  What is with dog yoga?  I‘m sorry but it looked more like they were paying $20 to torture the dog rather than relax it.  I mean it seems like animal cruelty to me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KELLERMAN:  It didn‘t seem like the dog needed to be relaxed.  It seemed like he was being antagonized if anything right?  The dog was lying down and she‘d say “Get up” and now he has to get up and then lie back down again.  He was less relaxed at the end of the whole thing—next.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHESTY LARUE, LAS VEGAS:  Hi, this is Chesty Larue from Vegas.  I was calling you because Max Kellerman is being on the show tomorrow.  I am so happy he‘s on the show.  I mean that beard and that hair it‘s fabulous.  I just—tell him that he can call Chesty Larue anytime he‘s in Vegas.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KELLERMAN:  Nice to know my metrosexual look is working.  That‘s all right, hey, you‘re attractive to guys and you‘re attracted to me, I‘m doing something OK.  I don‘t discriminate. 

Let us know what you‘re thinking.  Call 1-877-TCARLSON or 877-822-7576. 

Still ahead on THE SITUATION for a creature so mind-bendingly hideous the world‘s ugliest dog certainly gets a lot of airtime but does he have what it takes to be our non-human of the week?  The answer lies on the “Cutting Room Floor.”

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

KELLERMAN:  Time for my favorite segment of THE SITUATION, the “Cutting Room Floor.”  As always, our producer Willie Geist has collected all the most interesting stories that didn‘t quite make the cut.  Willie, what do you got for us?

GEIST:  I‘m flattered but mostly shocked that this is your favorite segment of the show given your narcissism I figured “The Outsider” would be your favorite segment.

KELLERMAN:  I was just kidding.  I don‘t watch your segment.  I was trying to be nice.

GEIST:  Nice of you to say.

One quick update, Courtney Love tearfully went in front of a judge and announced that she has, in fact, violated her probation by using drugs and I‘m shocked to learn that news.

KELLERMAN:  Say it ain‘t so, Courtney.

GEIST:  I know.  She looks so good.  I don‘t know what it can be.

KELLERMAN:  What do you got?

GEIST:  Go ahead.

KELLERMAN:  Don King‘s motto “Only in America,” is only in America.  Well, it was only in Norwich, Connecticut that you could see 1,000 Don Kings last night.  A minor league baseball team in Norwich offered free Don King wigs for the first 1,000 fans who showed up at their game.  The real Don King even made an appearance to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

GEIST:  And you know what, Max, Don put his real true signature on the game by fixing it and I thought that was a nice touch to sort of round out the evening.

KELLERMAN:  I have nothing to add.

Colombian police have sent a clear message to cows in their country.  You are not above the law.  Cows have been put in prison, cows are put in prison, after it was determined they‘ve caused a motorcycle accident while wandering along the road.  Now, this is what a police spokesman had to say.  This is a quote.  “If it was a person who caused the accident, he or she would be behind bars, so why not a cow?”  And, Willie, that‘s not a rhetorical question.

GEIST:  Hard to argue with that logic.  I‘m just glad Colombian authorities have their priorities straight.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

GEIST:  They‘re locking down livestock and meanwhile coke is just going in and out of the country just freely.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.  Actually, they‘ve ceded part of the country to the drug lords.

GEIST:  Right.

KELLERMAN:  But the cows...

GEIST:  But the cows, yes...

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

GEIST:  We will not stand for that.

KELLERMAN:  To be fair the cows are not armed.

GEIST:  They‘re dangerous.

KELLERMAN:  Now to some news from the transsexual medical malpractice blogger.  An Australian man plans to sue doctors who convinced him to have a sex change operation.  Alan Michael Finch (ph) went under the knife and became a woman named Helen in 1988.  He now says doctors talked him into the operation and he should never have become a woman.  He had the surgery reversed in 1997.

GEIST:  By the way, that video we showed, we couldn‘t dig up any surgery sex change so that was like someone having a baby or something.  No, but you know what, this is one surgery you don‘t want to get wrong.  If they take your tonsils out incorrectly, ah, but this one that‘s a tough pill to swallow when they turn you into a woman.

KELLERMAN:  How do you get talked into something like that?

GEIST:  I don‘t know.

KELLERMAN:  I don‘t know, doc, I‘m feeling pretty good about myself. 

Actually, (INAUDIBLE) a little thing.  It pulls when I go like this.

GEIST:  Yes.

KELLERMAN:  You know what actually you need your penis removed.

GEIST:  And now he had it reattached, so he‘s all better.

KELLERMAN:  It‘s time now to meet our Human of the Week.  Jude Law was a strong candidate for enduring the release of that less-than-impressive full frontal paparazzi shot but his physical inadequacy is no match for another Brit‘s mental shortcomings.

Victoria Beckham, once known to the world as Posh Spice, declared this week that she has never read a book.  She told Chic magazine “I haven‘t read a book in my life.  I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines.”

GEIST:  I am totally with her on that but you know what‘s hilarious about this story, she released her own autobiography this year called “Learning to Fly,” so that basically means she has not even perused her own life story.

KELLERMAN:  Well...

GEIST:  She wrote a book (INAUDIBLE).

KELLERMAN:  Also—also she learned to fly from audio tape, obviously didn‘t read the manual right?

GEIST:  That‘s right.

KELLERMAN:  Had to be read to her. 

That brings us to our non-human of the week and this may actually but how did that bring us exactly to that?  Well, this may actually be the non-human of the millennium.  It‘s Sam, the world‘s ugliest dog.

GEIST:  Oh, there he is.

KELLERMAN:  Sam managed to simultaneously disgust and delight as a guest on Monday‘s SITUATION.  Sam‘s owner, Susie Lockheed, showed off the hairless body and chillingly vacant eyes that have made Sam perhaps the most hideous beast in the known universe.

GEIST:  Max, I think you were watching.  Monica Crowley was guest hosting, did this interview and I don‘t think you can call it Freudian when you do it over and over and over again, she was calling Sam the dog Max.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

GEIST:  Could we get a look and a comparison?  It‘s pretty close. 

Pretty close.

KELLERMAN:  You know what‘s so great about this dog?  He sounds exactly as he looks.

GEIST:  Right.

KELLERMAN:  Like something out of the “Lord of the Rings,” like a demon.

GEIST:  Everything about him is hideous, his voice, his appearance everything.

KELLERMAN:  Yes.

GEIST:  But you‘re, no, you‘re better looking than that dog is.

KELLERMAN:  That‘s THE SITUATION for tonight.

You stay classy America and thanks for stopping by.  But mostly stay classy.  Tucker returns on Monday.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

END   

Content and programming copyright 2005 NBC.  ALL RIGHTS  RESERVED. Transcription Copyright 2005 Voxant, Inc.  ALL RIGHTS  RESERVED. No license is granted to the user of this material other than for research. User may not reproduce or redistribute the material except for user‘s personal or internal use and, in such case, only one copy may be printed, nor shall user use any material for commercial purposes or in any fashion that may infringe upon NBC and Voxant, Inc.‘s copyright or other proprietary rights or interests in the material. This is not a legal transcript for purposes of litigation.

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