updated 8/29/2005 3:56:06 PM ET 2005-08-29T19:56:06

Guest: G. Gordon Liddy, Pat Brown, Peter Ash
 
TUCKER CARLSON, HOST:  We‘ve got a country music star on the wrong side of the law, the most unlikely Hollywood romance since Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore, a hamster that charges cell phones for real and as always, your voice-mails. 
Joining me now to break down the very top stories tonight, we‘re thrilled to welcome from Washington, D.C., Mr. G. Gordon Liddy. 
Gordon, thanks a lot for joining us. 
G. GORDON LIDDY, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST:  My pleasure, Tucker. 
CARLSON:  Now, you are an FBI agent so you‘re uniquely qualified on our top story tonight. 
The drill (ph) is demanding records from an unnamed Connecticut library.  The FBI can do this because of a controversial provision in the Patriot Act, which until now has never been invoked.  Congress, of course, will decide the future of the Patriot Act later this year. 
It seems to me, Gordon, that nobody goes to the library anymore.  This could be—we don‘t know all the details; we don‘t know many details, in fact—but this could be, seems to me, an example of FBI ineptitude. 
Why wouldn‘t they be looking at Internet cafes if they want to find out what terrorists are doing to get information?  Why a library?  That‘s very 1950‘s, don‘t you think?
LIDDY:  No.  They probably are looking at the Internet cafes, but they‘re going in here for this. 
Look, here‘s the problem.  It depends upon the object of the exercise.  If they anticipate ever using something in evidence in court, they‘re going to follow the letter of the law.  If all they‘re looking for is intel to keep someone from killing, you know, 3,000 people, then they‘ll do whatever they have to do. 
Now, with respect to the Patriot Act, the real problem is not so much the Patriot Act, it is how it is used.  Look at the RICO statute.  The RICO statute was intended to be used solely against organized crime.  In these days they use it in everything but divorce cases. 
CARLSON:  That‘s exactly right.
LIDDY:  That‘s the problem. 
CARLSON:  Well, shouldn‘t—OK, look, so the Patriot Act has a lot of, I think, good provisions, important provisions...
LIDDY:  It does.
CARLSON:  ... to help law enforcement fight terror.  But a lot of people are skittish about the Patriot Act because they‘re worried it‘s going to affect civil liberties. 
Why doesn‘t the Justice Department explain why the FBI needs this information from this public library in Connecticut?  Why don‘t they reassure us all that this is really in pursuit of a valid law enforcement matter?
LIDDY:  Well, they have said as much as they can say without blowing their case.  The situation is, if you have the time, why not go and get judicial review?  Why not go get a judge to issue a warrant?  I never had ant problem when I was a prosecutor doing that. 
Sometimes you don‘t have enough time.  And that is, I think, not the situation here because, you know, there‘s plenty of time for them to go before a judge and get a warrant if they need it. 
CARLSON:  Yes.  Before you get library records, it does seem to me a good idea to reassure the rest of us it‘s really needed. 
All right.  A new Pentagon report has concluded that the culture of the U.S. military academies—that includes, of course, West Point and Annapolis—devalues the role of women in uniform, which in turn, claim the authors of this study, leads to sexual harassment and rape. 
Between 2003 and going back to 1993, they say, 150 female cadets reported they‘d been assaulted by fellow cadets. 
This study is an attack, as I‘m sure you know, Gordon, on the culture of the military.  And they draw this connection between lack of respect for women in the service and sex assault, which is not at all proved.  It‘s completely a theory. 
But it seems to me if the purpose of the military is combat, and women are officially excluded from combat, then women in the military will never have the same respect that men do, don‘t you think?
LIDDY:  Well, I think you‘re absolutely right.  And they shouldn‘t, and they shouldn‘t be in combat. 
Look, we did it in the Second World War correctly.  We had a Women‘s Auxiliary Army Corps.  They had their own noncommissioned officers, their own commissioned officers.  They were billeted separate, and the watch word was “free a man to fight.”  And that worked beautifully.  It wasn‘t broke, and then they went and fixed it. 
Now, if you look at this report, you‘ll see that the female general who‘s commenting on it says women should be in combat.  And that‘s going to be a constant bur under the saddle of the men because the men do not want to have women in combat.  They don‘t want to have to take care of them, and they really couldn‘t do it anyway.  They don‘t have the upper body strength or anything else.  It‘s dangerous to put women in combat. 
CARLSON:  Well, it seems to me if women in the military want the same respect men get they ought to be held to the same physical standards that men are, and they‘re not. 
But here‘s one thing I want your take on this as an Army veteran.  The study recommends that the culture of peer loyalty in the services ought to be dismantled because peer loyalty is partly responsible for sex assault.  I don‘t quite understand the connection.  How important is peer loyalty to fighting effectiveness?
LIDDY:  Peer loyalty—peer loyalty is extremely valuable.  It is the
· you know, the bonding, the unity.  You know what they do in the SEALs, they take—when they‘re in training they take them out, strip them absolutely naked, put them in the surf until a physician says they‘re near death from cold. 

Then they bring them back out.  They sit them in a circle around the fire.  The fire is so small they don‘t get any real warmth in that.  The only warmth they get is from each other‘s naked bodies, and they cycle them in and out all night long. 
I think my son was cycled 22 times that way.  My son is a retired Navy
SEAL. 
So the peer thing is extremely important.  It‘s—you know, these people will die for each other.  And that is necessary.  And they don‘t want to be out there having to take care of some girl. 
CARLSON:  I can see that. 
Well, here‘s a shocker for everyone who works in television.  Reality shows are scripted by writers. 
The professionals who script reality have now sued another network, not NBC, which airs “The Apprentice” and “Fear Factor” and owns MSNBC.  But FOX this time is the target. 
Ten reality writers claiming unfair conditions, including having to work 12 hours a day and more without overtime pay and often without sufficient meal breaks. 
ABC, CBS, and the WB have already been sued on similar grounds.  The suit refers to them as reality TV workers. 
Do you have any sympathy for reality TV workers?  Does it evoke images of mistreated coal miners or people who work on the line of the G.M. plant or meatpackers, TV writers?
LIDDY:  No, Tucker.  But look, I‘m a member of two unions, the Screen Actors Guild and the AFTRA, the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists. 
CARLSON:  Yes, I‘m a member, too. 
LIDDY:  And back in the old days, there was a lot of abuse of actors, and they made them, you know, work 14, 15 hours a day, didn‘t feed them and everything else.  And those unions got that straightened out.  And the only way you get it straightened out is to sue. 
So, I mean, I would not disparage somebody who is writing a television reality show.  That‘s his craft.  He‘s writing.  We all know those things are probably as real as professional wrestling.  So I‘m in sympathy with them. 
CARLSON:  Wait a second.  These guys are all—and I—look, I have respect for them.  What they do is difficult.  I know a lot of people who work in that business, and I like them. 
But most of these guys are 28-year-old Harvard graduates who are going to wind up being rich.  OK?  So is it plausible to consider them an oppressed minority group?  I just don‘t think it is. 
LIDDY:  Well, whether you consider them an oppressed minority group or not, they are entitled to have the same wage protection and business protections as anybody else, as any, you know, extra who walks on. 
After all, an extra who walks on can be spotted by somebody and can become rich, too.  I don‘t think that we ought to condemn somebody because they might possibly become rich. 
CARLSON:  No, I‘m completely for it.  I hope for it myself. 
LIDDY:  One of these days I will, too.  I‘m 75 and I haven‘t made it yet. 
CARLSON:  And you don‘t look it, I have to say.  Seventy-five, not rich. 
Well, it‘s late August, smack-dab between May and September, which may have reportedly come together, those two months, once again in the form of 40-year-old movie actor heartthrob guy Keanu Reeves and his one time co-star, 59-year-old Diane Keaton. 
That information comes from the most reliable source on this tiny blue planet.  That, of course, is “Us Weekly.”  Ms. Keaton replaces Mr. Reeves‘ former girlfriend, who was only 28 years old. 
Here‘s what I want to know from you, Gordon Liddy: who comes out ahead? Who gets the better deal in these relationships, the older woman, younger man relationships, which by the way, are obviously becoming much more common in Hollywood, Demi Moore, Madonna, Geena Davis, all together with younger men.  But who gets the better deal, the older woman or the younger man?
LIDDY:  The older woman gets the better deal.  Although I have to confess, that I think Ms. Keaton is 59 and, as far as I‘m concerned, she‘s a little underage.  But other than that...
CARLSON:  Too young for you?
LIDDY:  Yes, a little young for me.  But she would get the better deal, I think. 
CARLSON:  She would?  Ben Franklin, no less of an authority than Benjamin Franklin, one of the founders of this great nation, disagrees with you, as he famously wrote in a letter to a relative, trying to explain why it is a good thing to date older women. 
He said, “As in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal and frequently superior to that of a younger woman.”
They just know more, older women. 
LIDDY:  Yes, but the problem usually is with, you know, a guy in his 60‘s or something like that, he cannot perform as well as the 40-year-old.  You know, Toby Keith has a new No. 1 hit and it‘s, you know, “Good as I Once Was.”  What he‘s saying in that song is, “Look, I can‘t go as many times as I could, but once, I‘m as good as I ever was.” 
And for the older woman—you know, she can get more action in a given night from a younger guy. 
CARLSON:  Yes, that is a good deal.  I can see that.  Well, good for Keanu Reeves for doing that public service. 
And good for you, G. Gordon Liddy, for coming on this show.  It‘s great to see you.
LIDDY:  My pleasure. 
CARLSON:  Still to come, two Iraq War veterans brutally beaten and knocked unconscious outside a bar in Seattle.  We‘ll tell you why it happened when we come back.
Plus, we‘ll investigate the mysterious circumstances surrounding the disappearance of music producer Chris Julian.  We‘ll do that with criminal profiler Pat Brown.  That and much more when THE SITUATION rolls on.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Still ahead, a popular country singer gets chewed out by Tennessee‘s attorney general.  We‘ll tell you why.
Plus, more on the truly weird disappearance of Grammy nominated music producer Chris Julian.  Stay tuned.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Welcome back.  It‘s time for tales of wrongdoing and justice served.  It‘s our “SITUATION Crime Blotter,” our nightly summary of whodunit and who caught them. 
First up on the blotter tonight, an actual development out of Aruba.  The Kalpoe brothers were arrested again today on suspicion of rape and murder in the Natalee Holloway case.  They‘ve been free since last month when a judge ruled there was not enough evidence to hold them in Holloway‘s disappearance. 
Prosecutors also said today there were, quote, “new suspicions” but refused further comment of any kind. 
Now to the car chase of the day.  You‘d think fleeing suspects would have learned that driving really fast, not usually a successful escape plan.  That lesson was lost on James Fling. 
Police chased Fling for nearly an hour around Baltimore-Washington International Airport yesterday after a woman jumped from his car saying she had been kidnapped.  Police eventually cornered Fling and subdued him with pepper spray.  He‘s being held on $750,000 bond. 
And another crime caught on tape.  But we warn you, this video contains graphic violence. 
Police are asking for help finding the attackers who savagely beat two Iraq war veterans in a fight outside a Seattle nightclub last month.  The witness videotaped the assault which happened after two women were groped.  The veterans suffered broken jaws.  Also, one had a broken arm. 
Now to a missing persons case we‘ve been following all week.  Grammy
nominated music producer Chris Julian disappeared on Sunday after calling a
friend at almost 4 in the morning to say he was being chased down a ravine
by people with dogs who were trying to kill him. 

Police are downplaying reports that he was the victim of a Nigerian Internet fraud scheme that turned violent.  They say it‘s possible the whole thing was imagined in his head.  His family is not buying that it was all. 
Criminal profiler Pat Brown here to talk about the case with us tonight. 
Pat, thanks for joining us. 
PAT BROWN, CRIMINAL PROFILER:  Hi, Tucker.
CARLSON:  What is a Nigerian Internet scam?
BROWN:  Well, you know, if you‘ve been on the computer at any time in the last, oh, say, one day, you probably have gotten one of these things in your e-mail.  It‘s been going since the 1980‘s.  It‘s called the 409 fraud.  It‘s called the Nigerian connection.
And essentially, they send you an e-mail that says, “Hey, guess what?”  There‘s something to do with the oil business or somebody died or there‘s some kind—any way to tell you that there‘s some money in Nigeria that you want to get a hold of or they want to get out. 
And so what they‘ll do is they‘ll tell you, we‘ll send you a check.  And when you get that, oh, there‘s some fees so you need to send some money back, and that‘s how they start you to send money their direction.  And this is apparently what happened in this particular case, that—at least that‘s what the theory is, if there was something really happening. 
CARLSON:  So essentially the people who run these confidence games, they‘re scam artists. 
BROWN:  It‘s a total scam. 
CARLSON:  Right.
BROWN:  But the police are correct.  The police are correct.  I have never heard of any kind of violence being connected with it. 
CARLSON:  That is my question, right.  They don‘t turn violent then, typically. 
BROWN:  No, because if you don‘t—if you don‘t send them any money they just go on to the next person.  So what we‘re hearing here is it sounds a lot more delusional than it does in anything connected to reality. 
There were some statements made.  He said when he was running and made that phone call that maybe the people were drawn to him by the e-mail or the money or maybe something to do with his dead father.  And none of that makes any sense, so it sounds more like he‘s trying to explain something in his own mind, and I think that‘s why the police have not taken this very seriously, that Nigerian connection. 
CARLSON:  The police also pointed out that at the time he disappeared, in the middle of the night, close to 4 in the morning on Sunday, there was quite a loud party going on in his neighborhood with cars zipping in and out of the driveway and perhaps he mistook those cars for people chasing him. 
On the other hand, his friends and family say this guy was not a drug user; he was totally sane; he‘d never been institutionalized for anything; he was in really good health, a big exercise fanatic.  Is there another explanation between the Nigerians and the mental breakdown?
BROWN:  Well, you know, it would be hard to believe that a person who is very, very stable and a businessman who knows his way around the business world who is doing well enough in life would fall for a Nigerian scam to begin with.  Why would this guy believe something that nobody else believes?  That‘s the peculiar part of it.
So I think something had to be going wrong in his life, where his mind was slipping a little bit, to even go for this kind of thing.  I mean, you can understand somebody who is not as savvy in any of the business world falling for it, but this guy?  It doesn‘t make sense, unless something else is going on. 
CARLSON:  That‘s an interesting point.  Now, this all happened on the outskirts of Los Angeles, the Topanga Canyon area. 
BROWN:  Right.
CARLSON:  People who have been there may not know how wooded it is, how rural it is.  This guy is essentially missing in the woods in America‘s second largest city. 
At what point do we have to think he‘s not coming back?  How long, do you think, before this becomes a search for the body operation?
BROWN:  Right.  Well, it really doesn‘t sound like he just was trying to disappear.  It really does sound like he was freaked out over something.  And the family is saying he doesn‘t do drugs, but it does sound kind of like a meth thing or a cocaine thing where you—you know, where you start becoming delusional and psychotic.  They‘re saying he doesn‘t do those kind of things, but you know, sometimes the family is the last to know.  We do have our personal lives and we don‘t always tell our family everything. 
None of it may be true.  Maybe something else happened that he‘s
connecting to the wrong thing.  But it‘s a bit peculiar for this man to
fall for this scheme to begin with and then run into the woods in the
middle of the night saying things that don‘t make any sense at all, even if
· it just doesn‘t make any sense at all.  I think that‘s why the police think he‘s—there‘s a delusional aspect to this. 

CARLSON:  Which is why we‘re going to be following it until its outcome.  We‘ll tell you what happens when we learn.  Pat Brown, thanks a lot for joining us. 
BROWN:  OK.  Thanks a lot.
CARLSON:  Coming up, what‘s got this tobacco dipping song bird in trouble with the law?  Here‘s a hint: her hit song is “Redneck Woman.”  Think about it.  Stick around for the answer. 
Plus, Elvis is alive, and he‘s powering cell phones in England.  All of that, unlikely as it sounds, is absolutely true.  The king and his handler join us to prove it in just a moment.  Don‘t turn the channel.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Welcome back.  And welcome to “The Outsider,” a man who would rather argue the news than read it.  From ESPN Radio and HBO Boxing, here he is, the seventh time Tour De France runner-up, Max Kellerman. 
Max, great to have you on the set.
MAX KELLERMAN, ESPN RADIO:  Thank you very much.  I like it.  You‘re taking shots at Lance Armstrong now. 
CARLSON:  I like Lance Armstrong.  You‘re the Lance Armstrong beater-upper.  Pas moi.
All right.  Gretchen Wilson is a country star who hit it big with a song called “Redneck Woman.”  And she‘s also got one called “Skoal Ring” about a famous brand of smokeless tobacco.  When she performs the tune, she pulls from her pocket a tin of Skoal.  According to Tennessee attorney general Paul Summers, all of this may be illegal. 
She‘s been warned her act might constitute illegal advertising to kids, and he suggested that she should instead warn her audience about the dangers of smokeless tobacco.  Good luck with that, Mr. Attorney General.
Look, this is obvious, obvious censorship, Max.  This woman is singing a song, performing her art, and you have some—essentially a glorified cop telling her he doesn‘t like what she‘s saying.  So he threatens her with some sort of criminal sanction. 
But the bigger point here is this: the ACLU and other guardians of civil rights are not going to step up and defend this woman, because she is a red state icon.  Right?  She chews tobacco.  Therefore, they‘ll defend the Nazis, but they would never defend a redneck is the bottom line. 
KELLERMAN:  Your right wing or right-leaning libertarian hackles are up over this. 
CARLSON:  Yes, they are.
KELLERMAN:  You know what?  My left-leaning libertarian hackles are up over this.  But let me just make this argument without defending the attorney general. 
CARLSON:  OK.
KELLERMAN:  You always discuss cultural—making things culturally taboo...
CARLSON:  yes.
KELLERMAN:  ... in order to stigmatize the behavior that we really don‘t want.
CARLSON:  Yes.  Yes.
KELLERMAN:  Chewing tobacco leads to mouth cancer.  It‘s a disgusting habit.  Whether or not you think—it‘s an unhealthy habit.  And the attorney general says it may be illegal.  And he‘s urging her to send a message to kids, don‘t chew tobacco.  So in that respect, isn‘t it a good thing, especially kids?
CARLSON:  Here are the two distinctions I would make.  A, chewing tobacco is better than smoking. 
KELLERMAN:  Yes. 
CARLSON:  And in facts it is a way that a lot of smokers quit; they go to smokeless tobacco.  And that‘s a good thing, I think.  And so we want to encourage that to some extent.
Second, I think social sanctions are good, when they‘re voluntary.  But when the A.G. starts threatening you with some sort of criminal sanction, that‘s bad. 
Third, this is a woman who is singing a song about how she loves the smell of chewing tobacco on the breath of her man.  OK?  We need more women like this in the world.  There is nothing sexier about a woman who chews tobacco.  That‘s a widely known fact.  I‘ve known that since childhood.  We need more women like Gretchen. 
KELLERMAN:  It is crazy that they‘re asking her to say don‘t chew tobacco in a song about chewing tobacco.  But what about the children?  You always say what‘s paramount is the well-being of children.
CARLSON:  Right.
KELLERMAN:  And the attorney general is saying tell children. 
CARLSON:  Right, as determined by their parents, not by the creepy attorney general of Mississippi or Kentucky or Tennessee, I guess. 
KELLERMAN:  I bow to you in defeat.
CARLSON:  OK.  Well, Valerie Cheatham loves animals and it may have cost her job, that love for animals. 
Cheatham works at an Atlanta area Neiman-Marcus department store.  One hot day recently, she spotted two dogs locked in a luxury car.  She climbed on the hood of the car to give those dogs some water through the sun roof.  The big spending car owner showed up, screaming at Ms. Cheatham to get off the car, threatened her job and two days later, Ms. Cheatham was fired. 
She ought to get the Presidential Medal of Freedom, as far as I‘m concerned.  Nobody else cared about these two poodles in the car.  She took the initiative, risked physical harm from this grouchy car owner to bring these dogs some relief.  That‘s exactly the kind of go get them attitude Neiman-Marcus ought to be looking for and instead they fire her.  Outrage.
KELLERMAN:  You do, it‘s funny because you do it without sounding too much like so many other people who bring up this issue.  You do seem to care about dogs more than people at times. 
CARLSON:  I like dogs.
KELLERMAN:  I‘ve noticed, you really have an affinity for dogs. 
CARLSON:  I love dogs.  I‘m pro-dog.  I‘m objectively pro-dog.
KELLERMAN:  You won‘t give me a hug, but I‘ll bet you, you hug your dog. 
Look, this woman saw two dogs that looked hot to her.  They weren‘t puppies.  They were mature dogs, meaning they‘ve lived this long with their owner.  She took care of them just fine.
She climbs—this busy body climbs up on the car and pours water through the roof of the car.  It‘s inappropriate behavior, period. 
CARLSON:  No, no.  It is an act of heroism.  In fact, Neiman-Marcus ought to leverage this act and use it in advertising campaigns.  Far from firing her, they ought to make her the spokesman for Neiman-Marcus.  Neiman-Marcus, the store that cares.  Neiman-Marcus, selling shoes and saving lives.  This could be the beginning of an ad campaign, very effective for Neiman-Marcus. 
KELLERMAN:  And if they see anything they don‘t like—You know what?  Someone in Neiman-Marcus sees your car is a little messy, they‘re going to break in and clean it up for you, because they feel the car is messy.  Maybe it‘s a fire hazard.  I mean, really, mind your business, lady. 
CARLSON:  Neiman-Marcus knows what‘s good for you.  For your dog, anyway.  I‘m for that. 
All right.  Boston Red Sox fans, famously mean to the New York Yankees, but don‘t worry, the world champion Red Sox themselves are coming to the defense of the poor Bronx Bombers. 
Boston fans who wear T-shirts that read “Yankees Suck” now being strongly urged by team officials to lose the shirts or turn them inside out once they get inside Fenway Park.  The club cites family friendliness as its motive for the quasi-ban. 
OK.  I‘m going to take the side of the drunk chowder heads who crowd Fenway on game day.  OK?  Globalization has been bad.  Good for restaurants, bad for drunk chowder heads.  OK?  They don‘t have a place in the world order.  And one of the few places they can go where they‘re unmolested and they‘re accepted and they can let their drunk chowder heads flags fly is Fenway Park in Boston. 
KELLERMAN:  That‘s an excellent point, Tucker. 
CARLSON:  It is.
KELLERMAN:  And tempted as I am to not argue against it, I suppose I have to, right?
CARLSON:  Yes, you do. 
KELLERMAN:  OK.  The actual motivation for this is rubbing salt in the wounds.  The Red Sox say they want to make it fan friendly.  They‘re just telling the Yankees, “Oh, look, we won‘t even let our fans rub it in, which is a worse insult.”  But let me tell you something.
CARLSON:  It‘s like saying to the Yankees, we feel sorry for you. 
KELLERMAN:  Ooh, does that burn.  My wife is an attorney and a lot of times we‘ll be watching.  And I‘ll say, “Why doesn‘t this guy sue this person?”
She says, “They have no legal standing.”
CARLSON:  Right.
KELLERMAN:  The Red Sox have no legal standing to wear “Yankees Sucks” t-shirts.  Red Sox fans have no standing.  They won one world championship.  In the same span, the Yankees won 26.  So if the Red Sox win every World Series for the next quarter century, they can start wearing “Yankee Sucks” t-shirts to the ballpark. 
CARLSON:  It‘s exactly the opposite.  At that point they ought to pull back and say, “You know what, Yankees?  Have your day in the sun.  We‘ve won 27 in a row.” 
But at this point having won one World Series since, what, 1918 or whatever it was...
KELLERMAN:  That‘s one too many. 
CARLSON:  OK.  Fine.  But having done that, they have the right to—
I think they should have the privilege to be drunk and rowdy and just, you know, be the chowder heads they are.  It‘s Massachusetts.  It‘s Dorchester.  It‘s Brockton.  It‘s a “Yankees Suck” kind of state. 
KELLERMAN:  You know what?  And I appreciate your backhanded kind of smack at them.  I like that.  Thank you.  But I don‘t appreciate the backhanded smack that the Boston brass is taking at Yankees fans. 
CARLSON:  You prefer the straight ahead in the face smack.
KELLERMAN:  We‘re the Hatfields and McCoys, you know?  The Hatfields are saying, “Don‘t wear ‘McCoys Suck‘ T-shirts”?
CARLSON:  You‘re right.  It‘s pretty patronizing. 
KELLERMAN:  It is patronizing.
CARLSON:  Max Kellerman, have a terrific weekend. 
KELLERMAN:  Can I have a hug?
CARLSON:  No. 
KELLERMAN:  Can I have a handshake?
CARLSON:  Not a chance.
KELLERMAN:  Really?
CARLSON:  Where are you going this weekend, by the way?
KELLERMAN:  I‘m going to Yiddish camp. 
CARLSON:  So cool.
KELLERMAN:  Thank you.
CARLSON:  I can‘t wait for the dispatch on that on Monday.  Thank you very much.
Stay tuned.  Still plenty more ahead on THE SITUATION. 
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON (voice-over):  All the way from India, a lounge lizard act that‘s hard to swallow.  You might want to wake the kids for this one. 
And from China, one chimp‘s heartbreaking struggle to kick a nasty monkey off his back. 
Plus...
Which of these newsmakers will be the lucky recipient of this week‘s coveted “SITUATION Human Achievement Award”?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  I don‘t have to be a psychic for that.
CARLSON:  It‘s all ahead on THE SITUATION.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  This is for the birds.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON:  Welcome back to a story that will certainly tweak your curiosity.
In England, 16-year-old Peter Ash found an energy efficient way to charge his cell phone for his science project.  Peter harnessed the unlimited stamina of his pet hamster Elvis into a power source.  Unfortunately, Peter was given a C for his project and a D overall for the class but the good news is he‘s coming on our show.
Here he is all the way from the U.K. to discuss the situation, Peter and his hamster Elvis, Peter thanks a lot for joining us.
PETER ASH, CHARGES CELL PHONES WITH PET HAMSTER:  Thank you too for having us.
CARLSON:  Now, how did you think—how did you come up with this idea to charge your mobile phone with your hamster?
ASH:  I actually sat down at school and came up with an idea for my (INAUDIBLE) project and so my sister just had a hamster for her birthday a couple weeks early and so he always—he‘s always in his wheel and about four or five hours a night and he always keeps my sister awake.
So, I decided to make something useful of him at nighttime when he‘s running around in his wheel.  So, I came up with when it‘s rotating I thought I could generate electricity.  So, I‘ve come up with this project so it enables you to charge up your mobile phone.
CARLSON:  Well, if there was ever a hamster capable of charging a mobile phone it looks like Elvis.  He‘s—I don‘t know a lot about hamsters but he looks bigger than your average hamster.  He looks gargantuan actually.
ASH:  He‘s fed well.
CARLSON:  Yes, what do you—what do you feed Elvis?
ASH:  I feed him cucumber.  That‘s his main favorite and carrots, lots of vegetables and fruit and usually treats from the local pet shop.  That‘s what he mainly likes.
CARLSON:  So when does he—when does he exercise?  When does Elvis go on the wheel and for how long?
ASH:  About—nighttime, every nighttime, he‘s always in his wheel for about four or five hours at least, so it does keep my sister awake.  He is quite noisy, so I thought I could make use of him.
CARLSON:  So, why did you get—why do you think you got a C on this project?  I mean if I can just say this is probably the most brilliant science project I‘ve ever seen.  Why did you get a C and a D for the class?
ASH:  Thank you.
CARLSON:  What don‘t we know about your performance in that class, Peter?
ASH:  Well, basically my coursework you get deadlines and I reach the deadlines but (INAUDIBLE) rushing the last couple of weeks and I wasn‘t able to complete it to a good standard really and the examiner was very particular on that.  But for the exam, I took high paper for electronics and I must say, I‘ll be honest, I did find that quite, quite challenging.
CARLSON:  See, I think they should have given you an A just for creativity.  Have you harnessed the energy of any of your other pets at home?
ASH:  No, not really but you don‘t have to have Elvis.  You could have a guinea pig, a rat, plenty of things like that that could go in the wheel and you can even take the wheel off and adjust the size.
CARLSON:  Could you think of a way to harness the power cats expend licking themselves to say, I don‘t know, run your car?
ASH:  I‘ll have to look into that.
CARLSON:  OK, I wish you would.  In the meantime, can you give us a demonstration of Elvis at work charging your cell phone?
ASH:  Yes, sure.  I‘ll give him a go.  Go on, Elvis.
CARLSON:  OK, this is Elvis the hamster about to charge Peter Ash‘s cell phone.
ASH:  Come on then.
CARLSON:  There he goes.  He‘s getting situated there.
ASH:  He (INAUDIBLE).
CARLSON:  He‘s sniffing.  He‘s doing his last pre-wheel stretches. 
All right, Elvis, get to it.  There he goes.
ASH:  Go on.
CARLSON:  Now that wheel looks a little small, no offense to Elvis or anything.
ASH:  Come on, Elvis.
CARLSON:  Should it be bigger?
ASH:  That‘s it, go on.  It can be bigger, yes.
CARLSON:  It looks a little snug in there.
ASH:  You can adjust the size.  Yes, but he‘s quite happy.
CARLSON:  OK, so he‘s essentially going on strike here, OK.
ASH:  He‘s going now. 
CARLSON:  Right, look at that.
ASH:  He‘ll do that for four or five hours at least at night.  He enjoys his wheel and basically when this is rotating there‘s an axle here that comes to a gearing system inside and the gearing system then turns the turbine which then creates a current through the circuit board I‘ve made and out through the lead here and up to the mobile phone and it will tell you if it‘s charging.
CARLSON:  That is...
ASH:  It‘s got a light on it.  There‘s a light on (INAUDIBLE).
CARLSON:  That is tremendous.  No, now Peter what—you clearly have the sort of agile mind that leads to great inventions.  What are you going to spend your life doing?  Do you have any sense?  Peter Ash, I just want our viewers to remember the name.  What field are you going into from here?
ASH:  Well, I was planning to go into be an electrician but I spoke to James Dyson (ph) on Radio One and he said to get this product painted and then perhaps go on to engineering, which if I do get enough interest I might consider it.
CARLSON:  There‘s a whole field of hamster engineering awaiting your intuition and inventions.  Peter Ash and Elvis it‘s been great to meet you.
ASH:  Yes, thank you.
CARLSON:  Good luck.
Coming up, Hurricane Katrina was more severe than expected and the storm may be loading up to pound the coast again.  What did she leave behind and what major event might be postponed because of it?  You‘ll have to stay tuned to find out.
Plus, we brought you the story of a so-called excusable homicide last night.  The victim‘s mother is outraged.  How did our audience react—angry voice mailers just ahead. 
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Welcome back.
It‘s time now to look ahead to the news of this weekend and beyond.
For that we turn to the most trusted name in news, our producer Willie Geist, who we ought to note also the winner of the Victoria Cross for gallantry.
GEIST:  Thank you for pointing that out.
CARLSON:  Congratulations, Willie.
GEIST:  I don‘t like to toot my own horn but thank you.
I think I know why Peter Ash got a C.  It‘s because that doesn‘t work. 
Did you happen to notice that?
CARLSON:  I did notice that.  I did.  I did notice that Elvis was not cooperating.  Elvis looked a little stout for the wheel too.
GEIST:  Yes, I think he was a little out of steam.  Maybe he had been practicing last night but five or six hours to charge your phone seems like a long time.
CARLSON:  Yes, well it happens at night while you sleep.
GEIST:  OK.
CARLSON:  Peter should come to this country.  We welcome people like him (INAUDIBLE).
GEIST:  He‘ll be running—he‘ll be running an energy company soon, I promise you.  By the way, what‘s your News From Tomorrow, you got anything going on this weekend?
CARLSON:  Well, if it‘s August, it‘s always fishing with the kids.
GEIST:  Ooh, that sounds...
CARLSON:  And you?
GEIST:  Just kind of an every man USA weekend.  I‘ll be going to a polo tournament in the Hamptons.
CARLSON:  OK.
GEIST:  Yes, it should be a nice weekend.  There‘s the rest of the news.
CARLSON:  A very red state event.  Thank you, Willie.
GEIST:  Sure.
CARLSON:  Willie‘s our link to the Heartland.
Well, there‘s going to be a showdown in Crawford, Texas tomorrow as antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan is joined there by the pro-Bush group that calls itself “You don‘t speak for me, Cindy,” a subtle name. 
The group is planning a rally in Crawford where Sheehan has been camped out in front of President Bush‘s ranch hoping to meet with him.  Sheehan, who lost her son in Iraq, says she plans “a day of remembrance” while the pro-Bush group holds its rally.  She‘ll be there.
GEIST:  This thing became a circus a long time ago but now it‘s bordering on the Jackson trial.
CARLSON:  I know.
GEIST:  It‘s a matter of time before people are releasing doves and things.
CARLSON:  Well, it‘s a huge PR screw up I think on Bush‘s part.  I wouldn‘t meet with her either, if I were him.
GEIST:  Why not?  Why wouldn‘t...
CARLSON:  Well, if somebody compared me to Hitler, I‘m sorry call me the biggest terrorist in the world and said America wasn‘t worth defending and America itself was corrupt and worthless, I would be angry too but if he met with her at the very beginning...
GEIST:  Right.
CARLSON: ...we would have been spared some of this, probably not all.
GEIST:  Well, now it‘s too late, so how do we resolve this?  I mean is she going to stay out there forever?
CARLSON:  Yes, I mean I think she‘s self discrediting.  I mean I think there are probably many mothers of men killed in Iraq who could make a pretty compelling heart tugging case for why we ought not to be there and they would be devastating to Bush but her statements are so over the top that she just destroys her own credibility and she‘s not as damaging as she could be.
GEIST:  We‘ll see how long she stays.
CARLSON:  Probably a long time.  Well, not even Hurricane Katrina can put a damper on a Diddy party.  Mr. Sean “P. Diddy” “Puff Daddy” Combs will host Sunday night‘s MTV video music awards from Miami. 
Organizers cancelled many of this week‘s festivities because of the nasty weather Katrina brought but they say Sunday‘s show will go on rain or shine.  Mr. Diddy, a man who is legendary for throwing over the top parties says “This will be the biggest, sexiest party ever, ever.”  Sadly, I‘ll be fishing.  I won‘t be able to make it.
GEIST:  Ah, I was going to say who are you most looking forward to, Kanye with his new joint or what are you looking forward to?
CARLSON:  I‘ve never even heard of Kanye but I never miss a biggest, sexiest party just as a matter of principle.
GEIST:  You should Tivo it.  You should Tivo it as part of your pop culture training that we‘re putting you through.  I want you to Tivo and watch the MTV awards.
CARLSON:  I don‘t think so.
GEIST:  That‘s your assignment.
CARLSON:  There are a lot of things I‘ll do for the success of this show but that‘s—that‘s a bridge too far.
GEIST:  Fair enough.
CARLSON:  Sorry.
Well, all of America, indeed all of the world will be talking about the finals of the World Air Guitar championship tomorrow.  The tenth annual event features air guitarists from the U.S., Japan and Europe who won their regional qualifying rounds before advancing to the grandest stage in air guitar.  The finals are held, where else, in Finland, of course.
GEIST:  Of course.
CARLSON:  Also, we should point out the drunkest country in the world.
GEIST:  Is that right, Finland is?
CARLSON:  You think there‘s an air—right, I mean come on you don‘t see the connection?
GEIST:  No, but it‘s—it‘s fun and games to this point.  From here on forward novices need not apply.  This is all business.  This is air guitar at its finest and we should point out the United States going for a three-peat.  They won the last two years, never been done in air guitar history.
CARLSON:  Does the winner always have a pair of tighty-whities on?
GEIST:  Yes, it‘s a requisite.
CARLSON:  OK—Willie Geist.
GEIST:  See you in a bit.
CARLSON:  See you in a minute.
Coming up, we just talked about her and yet there‘s still more fallout from the Cindy Sheehan story.  Tonight‘s voice mails are must hear TV and they‘re next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Welcome back.
Sitting in tonight for retired Army General Norman Schwarzkopf, I‘m Tucker Carlson, time now for our voice mail segment.  We ask you to call in with your views and then we play them on the air—first up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JEFF, ALTOONA, PENNSYLVANIA:  Hey, Tucker, Jeff calling from Altoona, Pennsylvania.  I‘d like to talk about the so-called excusable homicide story that you put on the show.  I think it‘s a total outrage that they‘re not prosecuting this case as of yet but what is really inexcusable to me is the fact that watching the video you could see there are numerous people just standing by letting this happen.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON:  You know, Jeff, I noticed that myself.  There are always mouth breathers standing there with empty expressions looking on as this guy is getting strangled to death.  Who are they?  They‘re welcome on the show to explain themselves anytime.  I‘d like their phone numbers.  I‘d like to talk to them about why they did that. 
And I also agree it is an outrage.  I was skeptical about it at first but listening to the mother and thinking about the story, yes, it‘s wrong.  They should prosecute—all right.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KELLY, TEXAS:  Hey, Tucker, this is Kelly from Texas.  You know what I think that anytime Cindy Sheehan has something to say that she‘s earned the right to say it and I also think that just because she says some things doesn‘t that mean that we‘re all allowed to make some mistakes every once in a while?  Give the lady a break.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON:  Well, I mean first off, you know, I never contest anybody‘s right to do virtually anything.  I‘m, you know, I‘m sympathetic to libertarianism.  You know, I‘m not from preventing people from doing what they want to do, much less Cindy Sheehan.  Of course, she has a right to say what she wants to say and, of course, people say dumb things.  I say them almost every day, probably every day.
The point is she undercuts her own cause.  She‘s trying to make a cause or a case against the war in Iraq and she‘s making people who are against the war in Iraq seem like lunatics.  She‘s hurting her own side and she‘s attacking the United States, which is wrong in my view—next up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HEATHER, TEXAS:  Hi, this is Heather from (INAUDIBLE), Texas.  You know, I am watching your show and I really love it.  I really love you, whatever.  However, I really wish you would talk about more controversial subjects and not just the same.  I‘m tired of hearing about the teen actress and Newton John‘s husband, (INAUDIBLE), who cares?  Let‘s talk about something that more people care about and more people want to hear about.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON:  Oh, now, now.  I mean in last night‘s show, not to be defensive, but in last night‘s show we did a couple stories on Iraq, on the oil crisis, on the hurricane and then we did some, you know, missing teen actress.  I mean I like to think that the show has everything. 
You know it‘s got seven essential vitamins and minerals.  We can do Alan Greenspan and Alan Thick and the Alan Parson Project all in one show, you know.  It‘s got everything.  That‘s why it‘s on late.  But, you know, we‘ll try not to become too cheesy.  It‘s a constant temptation in this business and thanks for reminding us of that—all right, next up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANONYMOUS:  Oh, you stupid piece of (expletive).  How dare you get on there and complain about dog catchers and (expletive).  I know a dog catcher and, no, he‘s not honorable like a police officer or fire fighter but at least he has a (expletive) job, OK.  You whine about people taking advantage of the welfare system and whining about food stamps. 
At least he‘s supporting his own (expletive) family, OK, you rich little (expletive).  I guarantee if I ever saw you in the street, I‘d rip that little (expletive) bow tie off and shove it down your (expletive) throat you rude little (expletive).
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CARLSON:  OK.  Good luck pal.
You know last night when we did the dog catcher segment, I thought to myself, I wonder if anyone out there will rise to the defense of dog catchers.  Nah, I thought, who would do that?  Who would defend a dog catcher?  You just answered my question.  Thanks for doing that.
Well let me know what you‘re thinking in any terms you want.  We‘ll bleep it if you get out of hand.  Call our toll-free number.  It‘s 1-877TCARSON or that‘s 877-822-7576.  Again, if you‘re a dog catcher or feel like defending one, don‘t bother calling.
Next up on THE SITUATION, it‘s bad enough they banned smoking in bars and restaurants.  Now a gal can‘t even smoke in her own monkey cage.  We‘ll try to kick the habit on the Cutting Room Floor.  We‘ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
CARLSON:  Welcome back.  It‘s that time again, the final Cutting Room Floor of the Week.  Joining us with all the stories we couldn‘t pack into the show Willie Geist.
GEIST:  Tucker, nice job patching things up with the dog catchers, thanks man.
CARLSON:  You know I did my best Willie.
GEIST:  You really reached out to them.
CARLSON:  I don‘t think I convinced him though.
GEIST:  No, you did not.
CARLSON:  I don‘t think he likes me.
Well, it looks like our old friend (INAUDIBLE), the smoking chimp, may be a smoking chimp no more.  Officials at the Chinese zoo where she lives are trying to get her to kick the eight smoke a day habit she‘s had for the last 15 years.  (INAUDIBLE) learned to smoke cigarettes by picking up the unfinished butts of tourists walking by her cage.  She‘s apparently been smoking much more since her partner died.  Zookeepers are worried about her health.
GEIST:  Tucker, does your libertarianism extend to primates because I know you don‘t like being told when and where you can smoke?  How do you feel about this?
CARLSON:  Well, I feel like if you‘re a monkey stuck in a cage...
GEIST:  You should be allowed to...
CARLSON: ...your smoking habit is the least of your problems.
GEIST:  You deserve to be allowed to smoke.
CARLSON:  That‘s exactly right.
GEIST:  Now this is...
CARLSON:  In a Chinese zoo, yes.
GEIST:  (INAUDIBLE) is our second favorite chimp of all time.  Our first favorite, I don‘t know if you remember this from the greatest hits collection, sitting on a branch, digging in a little bit and gone—oh, wow, a legendary piece of footage.
CARLSON:  The falling chimp.
GEIST:  And one of the great moments in primate history.
CARLSON:  That is fantastic.  I have never seen that.
GEIST:  I apologize.  That was totally gratuitous but it‘s Friday night, you know, dig it out.
CARLSON:  I still prefer the bear bouncing on the trampoline as the greatest piece of tape ever shot.
GEIST:  Oh, that‘s the best.
CARLSON:  All right, in other international zoo news, if you‘re sick of looking at the same old monkeys, llamas and owls, why not go check out the new exhibit that features nearly nude people wearing fig leaves?  This weekend, the London Zoo introduces a temporary enclosure of eight men and women, yes, human beings.  It‘s the human zoo and it‘s intended to remind visitors of humans‘ basic animal nature, as if they needed to be reminded.   That‘s not something I need to be reminded of very often.
GEIST:  No.  It‘s nice what they‘re doing there but if you don‘t mind the two drink minimums there are much better places to watch nude people perform in cages, trust me.  Most of them are downtown.  I‘ll give you a few addresses.
CARLSON:  They will also remind you of our essential animal nature.
GEIST:  Yes, oh even more so.
CARLSON:  If you want to get in touch with your inner dog, right.
All right, Ashlee Simpson‘s ongoing therapy from this infamous “Saturday Night Live” lip synching episode will land her on Oprah‘s couch this fall.  Ashlee‘s father says his daughter will perform on Oprah around October.  That‘s the release of her new album.  Oprah‘s show will be the first place Ashlee performs a song from her new record.
GEIST:  You know, Tucker, I think it‘s finally time to leave Ashlee alone.  Let her go in peace.  But I will say this.  Oprah hasn‘t had a frau this big on the show since Tom Cruise was jumping on the couch.
CARLSON:  What was that?
GEIST:  Part acid reflux, heartburn, no.
CARLSON:  Your lips weren‘t moving.
GEIST:  The dirty little secret about the Cutting Room Floor completely lip synched.  I‘m humiliated.
CARLSON:  Thanks, Vanilli, I appreciate it.
GEIST:  I‘m going to get booked on Oprah now.
CARLSON:  Our next story requires some warning for viewers with weak stomachs or any sense of dignity.  To our audience on the West Coast it may still be dinner time so we apologize in advance for ruining your meal.
This Indian man is not showing off his pet lizard.  Actually, he‘s about to eat it.  The man started eating lizards about seven years ago when he was too poor to afford food.  Since then, lizards have become a staple of his diet.  He eats six or seven a day.  He also claims he can eat 15 lizards in a single sitting.
GEIST:  Oh, my goodness gracious.  That looks a little chewy.  If you must eat lizards don‘t you just saut’ it, put some cilantro in, do something?  Why do you have to just eat it live and raw?  That just doesn‘t make sense.
CARLSON:  There‘s not a circumstance and I‘m sorry, you know, it‘s easy for me to say I‘m not a starving Indian villager but I honestly don‘t think there‘s ever a circumstance where you have to eat lizards.
GEIST:  No.
CARLSON:  Time now to introduce our human and non-human of the week.  This week they‘re a package deal.  That‘s right it‘s psychic Jackie Stallone and her psychic dog Rachel.  Jackie and Rachel dazzled us Wednesday night with their collaborative clairvoyance on topics ranging from Cindy Sheehan to Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes.  Rachel, who is a male by the way, looked sharp in his veil and rhinestone cape.
GEIST:  You know we were going to just do Jackie as the human of the week but without Rachel there is no Jackie Stallone.
CARLSON:  I agree.
GEIST:  Jackie channels all her information through her male dog named Rachel who dresses like Liberace.  (INAUDIBLE).
CARLSON:  So, if you ever wanted to sue Jackie for something she said you couldn‘t.
GEIST:  It‘s all Rachel‘s fault.
CARLSON:  You‘d have to sue Rachel, OK.  Willie Geist have a great weekend.
Thanks.  That‘s THE SITUATION for tonight.  Have a terrific Saturday and Sunday.
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
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