Penny had something important to say on the "Big Bang Theory" season premiere.
Call off the SOS! A kraken did not attack Leonard on the double-feature season premiere of "The Big Bang Theory."
Yes, a giant sea monster did wrap its tentacles around the self-proclaimed "salty sea dog" — but it all took place in Sheldon's terrible nightmare. (Even scarier: Someone had switched the cases for the "Back to the Future" sequel DVDs. The horror!)
Fortunately, Penny was just three knocks away! In fact, Leonard's GF and BFF became virtual roommates in his absence, enjoying rousing games of 3-D chess and share time.
Penny's big reveal? She did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie, "Serial Apist," about a killer gorilla. (This was not news: Sheldon admitted Howard found the video the day they met her, and Leonard played the scene for his admiring shipmates.)
OK, so maybe Penny didn't find their activities especially rousing ("Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains ..." "No."), but she knew Leonard had it much worse on his perilous, lonely voyage.
In reality, the only thing Leonard had to fear was a raging hangover — when the two broke down and called him, he was toasting the success of his mission with an impromptu dance party aboard the ship.
But that also meant he could come home early and surprise Penny — and secretly cocoon with his girlfriend before announcing his arrival to Sheldon.
What could possibly go wrong?
Sheldon immediately suspected she was cheating — and then felt betrayed when he discovered she was trysting with her own boyfriend.
Even Leonard's souvenir sailor cap didn't mollify Sheldon, whose plans for revenge included amassing a robot army. ("Or a mutant army — it depends on how my Kickstarter goes.")
The besties finally patched things up after a tearful plea by Howard. After overdosing on his mother's estrogen cream, the suddenly bloated, insecure and wildly emotional astronaut was exploring a strange new world where no man had gone before: PMS!
Raj was also seeking out new life and civilizations. Lucy broke his heart but left him with a gift for gab (or "dry factual statements interspersed with awkwardness"), and he even tried out some new moves at a university mixer. It didn't go smoothly, especially when he consoled a woman whose husband left her by saying, "Penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable!"
Bernadette and Amy would never cheat on their adorable penguins — but the opportunity did present itself at a neuroscience conference, when two men sent them drinks at a bar.
"Guys are hitting on us ... and not just to get to Penny!" they cheered.
In the end, of course, all the women were faithful to their men — including the "Serial Apist" star.
First published September 27 2013, 4:43 AM