In what may very well be the most ill-advised marriage of technology and lady breasts since the Tweeting Bra, a new app promises to make bra shopping as simple as taking a couple of selfies. In fact, that's exactly how it works.
The freshly launched iOS app from ladies undergarment startup ThirdLove claims to require no more than two selfies — front and profile, just like the cops do — to calculate your personalized size for the perfect bra, which ThirdLove will then sell you for $45 to $70 each (matching panties sold separately).
Before you can give ThirdLove your money however, you've got to submit those selfies to ThirdLove's "secure database" — which may or may not be housed in the same buildings as Santa and the Loch Ness Monster.
If you're the paranoid sort who doesn't trust anything called a "secure database" — and by "paranoid," we mean "sentient" — take full advantage of ThirdLove's wardrobe options suggested for your selfie shoot.
"Wear your most supportive underwire bra — no push-up or sports bras allowed," the ThirdLove website advises. "You can take your photos with or without a tank top over your bra."
In a process arguably less painful than a TSA airport probe, your submitted selfies are analyzed by ThirdLove's "computer vision algorithms" and in five minutes or less, you'll learn your true bra size. "That's faster than finding a parking spot at the mall!" ThirdLove points out.
But don't expect to take that freely obtained perfect bra size to the mall: This startup doesn't adhere to traditional 34A through 42DD-type system. ThirdLove, which says the secret lies in its half-sizes, might assign you something like "TL165."
That's the size cited by TechCrunch's Ingrid Lunden, who notes that ThirdLove isn't the first app that claims to have your perfect bra size in hand. Other ladies undergarment companies such as True & Co., Brayola and Sizem have sizing apps too. But "many of these require you to pull out the measuring tape to size yourself up, or provide information on your current bra size and your favorite brands, in order to help create a selection of bras for you," Lunden points out.
No matter the method, all of these apps claim to eliminate the vastly overstated trauma of bra shopping through the magic of technology. But like most everything else magic technology claims it can correct, it likely just makes things that much more complicated.
Helen A.S. Popkin goes blah blah blah about the Internet. Tell her to get a real job on Twitter and/or Facebook.
First published November 8 2013, 1:16 PM