April 13, 2012 at 3:56 PM ET
If you're a dude with a red Mohawk who recently got lucky at a Motörhead/Megadeth concert in the bathroom at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago — or if you know a dude who matches such a description — you totally need to keep checking the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. The woman with whom you had an encounter has something that was left behind.
"Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? - w4m - 28 (Aragon Ballroom)," reads the anonymous post that was live through Thursday:
Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.
The poster then goes on to describe in detail the passionate encounter — the NSFW reproduction you can find here via the Fuse website, which initially spotted the post. Suffice it to say, the couple did not qualify to post their encounter on the Where Did You Wear It? – Planned Parenthood's Foursquare-of-condom-use website. So …
Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child's life.
Rather than judging this young woman — and you know you are, jerk — let's help her out. Consider the near impossible odds of the Craigslist Missed Connections for reconnecting with any random encounter.
Take you, for example. The hottie you stared at a little too long at Starbucks this morning is not looking for you. Of that you can be 99. 9 percent sure.
What's more, according to those same statistics I totally made up just now, if he or she is posting about you on Craigslist — the creep who stared at him or her a little too long at Starbucks this morning — it's not in your city's "Missed Connections" section. The hottie is doing it somewhere in the community or discussion forums in a post tagged FML, the NSFW acronym used by texting teens with obtuse parents and Craigslisters bemoaning their unfornatuate — or in your case, creepy — life circumstances in the community and forums sections of the online classifieds site.
If we take blue hair/silver tube top at her word — because of course, nobody ever lies on Craigslist— she isn't a creepy stalker, but a future mom looking out for her impending child. Like everyone else these days, she's using social media of a sort to get things done. So spread the world so she never has to have this discussion with her young head banger: "It's not that your daddy didn't have a Facebook account, I just don't know his name …"