The Cycle   |  November 27, 2012

Complicated friendships you love, hate, and can’t live without

Author Julie Klam talks to the hosts of The Cycle about complicated friendships and the ones you love, hate, and can’t live without.

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This content comes from Closed Captioning that was broadcast along with this program.

>>> oh, my god. introduce us.

>> this is chandler and you know monica and ross and that's phoebe and joey.

>> how are you doing?

>> don't!

>> friendships, they're complicated. facebook tells me i have 2,900 friends and s.e. has way more than that. when i think about how to call in a pinch, the list whittles down quickly. between time pressures and family and distance, people we care about most sometimes get the least attention. luckily our next guest helps us out. everyone gives her book a lot of love. it's called friend keeping. joining us now is julie best seller author and friendship expert. i'll start with the time of year. it's the holiday season . it can be a wonderful, joyous time and also quite stressful and quite straining on friendships in particular. this is like a challenging time for a friendship to navigate?

>> i think it's challenging for friendships, it's challenging for people. i think the holidays are a rough time for everybody except my 9-year-old daughter. you know, it's sort of something that you need to be sensitive with your friends about where they are in their lives. people at the holidays tend to think about i'm not with a person i want to be or somebody they've lost. so i think it's something where it's a good time to tread lightly and think and care for your friends.

>> julie , i'm a mom like you. i have a 4 1/2-year-old daughter. i've found that since having a child, it's become harder for me to have friends who don't also have kids.

>> what are you trying to say?

>> not including my friends at the table.

>> the thing about that, one of the things about being a parent is you're so tired all the time, and it's nice to have people in your life who understand why you can't canceling. you're exhausted.

>> yes.

>> but it's also very nice to have friends who don't have children who aren't talking about what preschool their kid got into or, you know, whether their kid can read "war and peace" at age 3. it's sort of refreshing to talk to people who know what's happening in the world. all of you do.

>> what school is your kid? we'll talk about it after the show. there's many reasons --

>> she's in harvard for fourth grade.

>> oh, oh. okay.

>> the harvard of the upper west side .

>> let's wrap this up. there's many reasons why we move on from our friends, and you know, marriage, region, get a new career, they get a different career. there's lots of ryaeasons to break apart. i like the essence of you, but we don't know each other the way we used to. there's a divide between us . how do we navigate those situations where we still want that connection, because it was there in the past, but it's not really all the way there anymore?

>> well, it's an effort. it's something you have to make an effort. i think one of the things that happens as you get older is that sfli friendships are like the wallpaper of your life. they're lovely and out there, but we're not doing that much to take care of them. i think you need to be -- you need to put in the effort instead of assuming that every time you have plans with this person you'll be able to cancel. don't. you know, you can also keep in touch with so many nice ways that aren't the phone or being in person. you can tweet at them or facebook with them or e-mail them or text them or something so you're sort of keeping in touch and on top of things without necessarily having to leave your house.

>> julie , do you have any -- your tips here for maintaining friendships. there are a few in your book that are helpful to keep in mind?

>> i think that a big tip for me is taking care of yourself in a friendship. it's sort of like the air mask that drops down. you put it on your face before the kid's face. you need to take care of yourself when you find yourself in a friendship that may be innervating. make sure that you set limits. i think you need to count your sprendships as important as everything else. we have family commitments, job commitments, things you absolutely have to do, and friendship isn't disposable but it can feel that way. i think putting in the time is crucial.

>> you know, julie , most people i think would want to maintain their friendships and find new ways to do that, and maybe even expand their circle of friends . i very much like to make mine smaller. how do i go about --

>> wait for my net book "friend losing."

>> yes. are there ways -- it seems impossible with facebook and easy ways to connect with people, is there a way to unconnect, disconnect? say, please leave me alone, i have enough friends thank you.

>> i think sadly it's easy to disconnect.

>> did i just do it?

>> i think you keep your -- i think when you find you have much less friends on facebook after this segment.

>> wonderful.

>> yeah, i think that, you know, it's so easy you don't return a couple of phone calls , and people disappear unless they are really --

>> stalkers?

>> stalkers.

>> they like you.

>> you can keep stalkers around for a while, i believe.

>> now i know why s.e. stopped returning my calls.

>> all right.

>> thanks so much.

>> thank you.

>> speaking of friends, there's a new facebook hoax. did you fall for it? as we head to break, a fun new song from a hot canadian artist . enjoy. [ male