IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.

BREAKING: Former Secretary of State Colin Powell dies at 84 from Covid complications

'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' for December 26

Read the transcript to the Monday show


KEITH OLBERMANN, HOST:  Tonight a special presentation from the studios of MSNBC, an “Oddball” retrospective, one year in the making.  You know about the hurricanes, the new pope, high gas prices...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And Elvis will pump your gas.

OLBERMANN:  And the runaway bride.  But what about the stortse that others were too chicken to talk about?  In 2005, COUNTDOWN dares to dig deeper.  We searched the four corners of the world, we scoured the internets to bring you the strangest video, the weirdest animals, the dumbest criminals. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I know exactly how much marijuana I had, and the marijuana that I had was gone. 

OLBERMANN:  And the stringiest video.  Didn't I say that already?  Anyway, from the program that revolutionized the evening news comes the wound-hour special everyone has been clamoring about. 


OLBERMANN:  It's the year in weird.  COUNTDOWN's 2005 “Oddball Extravaganza” and it begins right now.


OLBERMANN:  Greetings.  Webster's “New World Dictionary” defines the kicker on the vertically challenged guy on most football team who comes out to make the filed goals and extra points and stuff.  But to those in the news industry, that word possesses an entirely different meaning.  the kicker story is usually the last item in a newscast, that goofy piece of fluff news:  10 guys in Argali (ph) making a giant omelet or there's some funny surveillance camera video of a deer in a convenience store.  It's a worthless though away kind of item designed to distracts your attention from the more serious issues that affect you, your country, your town, and your family. 

Tonight we present an hour of these distractions.  Yes, we're part of the problem, not part of the solution.  But, during this holiday season we hope a little distraction is just what the doctor ordered.  So, without further ado, let's play “Oddball.” 


OLBERMANN (voice-over):  We begin in Lafia...

We begin in Scappoose, Oregon...

We begin in northeastern Tennessee with the COUNTDOWN camel chase of the week. 

We begin at Kaufman Stadium in Kansas City where...

We begin at the Borcell (ph) Nuclear Power Plant in the Netherlands where—Warning, warning, danger Will Robinson—the nuclear waste has sprouted legs and is climbing the fence to escape. 

Indianapolis, Indiana, hello.  Litesville (ph), Maryland, hello. 

Fort Hood, Texas, (SCREAM)

Tokyo, hello.

To Houston, hello.  Mianette (ph), North Dakota, hello.  Tibu (ph), South Korea, hello. 

LARRY KING, “LARRY KING LIVE”:  Los Angeles.  Hello. 

OLBERMANN:  We begin in Guatemala where science is bringing the people new and interesting ways to mix drinks and stuff.  Yes, using recycled parts from old bicycles; women like these here can save hundreds of dollars on costly kitchen appliances.  And in just 20 to 30 minutes, blend themselves a refreshing beverage and get some healthy bench and get exercise in the process. 

Come on, pedal for it.  Earn that margarita. 

Now to the San Francisco Zoo for another episode of rhinoceros versus big pumpkin.  This Gene, he's a 3,000 pound black rhino.  His keepers put a 500 pound pumpkin in his pen as part of the big annual “Boo at the Zoo” event.  Oh baby, he's going to smash this pumpkin.  There we goes.  Come on, buddy.  Come on, smashy, smashy.  Come on.  Come on! Hey, where are you going?  Come on.  Come back, smash the pumpkin.  Oh, what a jip. 

Checking “Oddball” traffic, we've an overturned beer truck in Newton, Massachusetts.  Luckily the driver was uninjured and all the beer remained inside.  Uh-oh, that's no good. 

Dude, cool Ferrari.  Whoa, hot Farrai.  

Speaking of deformed vegetables, we take off to the great white north for the story of a Canadian farmer whose carrots are purple.  It's got nothing to do with the tightness of his overalls. 

And what's the situation with this deer in Fitchburg, Massachusetts? 

I'll tell you.  He just can't believe those low, low prices. 

I had a special new educational segment planned for this evening, “Brush up on String Theory with Keith Olbermann” unfortunately, one of the producers hid my textbook, so we'll now to the backup plan.  Wacky video, let's play “Oddball”. 

There's a train coming. 

This is Lucy Kibaki the first lady of Kenya and unhappy with a recent newspaper story she has just made this photo op into the Kenyan version of “Meet the press.” 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  She slapped me here.

OLBERMANN:  Chios, Greece, where Orthodox Easter is our favorite event of the year because the two rival churches on the island celebrate annually by firing 65,000 rockets at each other.  I want plenty of rockets.

When the unfortunate model tried to turn her ride around, down goes Freeda! Down goes Freeda!

Back it up.  Back it up.  You got it.  OK, right there'll be good. 

We're back and we pause the COUNTDOWN now to get into the serious news.  Seriously stupid.


OLBERMANN:  Now, here's a monkey fishing. 

Hey, look at those really big pants.

And we got a dog on the Major Deegan. 

Oh by, we got a floater. 

Here's a good ol' fashioned cow chase. 

Here's a very old guy bowling. 

Thank, thank, thank you, Mr., whatever your name is.  Thank you. 

Look at them running. 

And there she goes, she passed the Best Buy, hangs a right at the Applebee.  Look at her run.  She could go all the way.  She's in the...

Into the first furlong it's big squirrel with no tail in front, the Sun thing—kind of thing, second, dog in stripped shirt third.  Big squirrel through the hurdles, he could go (UNINTELLIGIBLE) fast behind the duck, it's a hippopotamus.  And down the stretch they come.  It's the big squirrel with no tail, way out in front.  Big squirrel with no tail, first, sun thing second, a lion or monkey, I'm not sure what...

The winner of this race moving on to the finals next week in Dallas and that's where the big money—wait a minute, what's this?  The little girl on the outside is throwing the race.  She—little Mikey is the winner.  She had the thing locked up, she just stopped.  Never in my 30 years of broadcasting have I seen a more disgusting display of the corruption at a sporting event.

Oops, it seems party leader Vladimir Geronoffski (ph) has just spit on (UNINTELLIGIBLE) deputy Andre Sylvalia (ph) looks like spitting.  And let's get ready to rumble. 

Oh, boy.  Ok. 

Attendance was down this year at the big annual battle of the oranges because organizers started charging admission.  Can't imagine why somebody would be reluctant to pay for this. 

To Knoxville, Tennessee, were no one was injured along side this road, but we all learned a valuable lesson about driving while stoned. 

And heads up, we got another guy with a nail stuck in his melon.  But what makes this guys nail in the neck tale different from this guy's, this guy, this guy, this guy, or this guy? 

To Las Vegas, Nevada, where one company is trying to get a leg up in the highly competitive construction market by having its workers wear kilts on the job.  The manager of the company says the gimmick gives them an edge and that wearing kilts comes naturally for these men because most of his employees are Scottish and Celtic ancestry.  If guys that big say they are Scots, they are Scots. 

Finally to Six Flags amusement park in Jackson, New Jersey, where Kingda Ka the world's tallest, world's fastest roller coaster has been shut down.  Out of commission for the foreseeable future until officials can figure out why hunks of the things have been falling off.  Gee, you know, if we had thought there was a chance that it was dangerous, we probably would not have forced COUNTDOWN producer Kerry Fox to ride the thing. 

The butter Elvis is the star attraction at this weekend's Texas State Fair.  Thank you.  Thank you very much.

The real Elvis Presley would now be about 70 years old and he probably would have fared just about the same as his dairy counterpart which broke a hip and collapsed yesterday in the Texas heat.  The King's sculptor is rushing back to repair the statue, which like the real Elvis' last breakfast took more than 800 pounds of butter to construct.

The old trash burning plant.  Today we do the smokestacks, the rest comes down next month.  The controlled implosion process involved using 120 pounds of dynamite to precisely blow the stacks in one direction away from the building.  Well, two out of three.  In baseball we're in the Hall of Fame, kids.

To Sioux Falls, home of the tallest building in all of South Dakota, the Zip Feed Tower.  Yes, the Zip Feed Tower, everybody, the second tallest building in all of South Dakota.

Finally in “Oddball” tonight, a new and much more serious feature we like to call “Weird Stuff we Found on the Internets.”  We hope you learn from it. 

We have no context for it, we don't know how old it is, where it came from.  All we know it appears to prove that the Japanese have leaned now to train houseflies to do circus tricks.  Look at them go!

This Dachshund, Rusty, suffers from narcolepsy a condition that causes him to suddenly fall asleep when he's trying to do other things.  Little is know about narcolepsy except it can be inherited. 

Rusty, the narcoleptic dog, everybody.  Let's hear it for Rusty.  Rah, Rusty the narcoleptic dog.  Rusty, all right.  Rusty!

This the politician (UNINTELLIGIBLE) Boys and girls, and he actually once ran for president in Lithuania.  I can't imagine why he didn't win. 

Pets in has stepped forward to filled this void that so many of us thought would never be filled—could never be filled.  The future is now.  And for 20 bucks a pop any family can in a photo of it's flea bitten, mangy animal and receive back a memorial to that pet's imaginary lifetime of heroic military service.  And who knows, perhaps in the future they will be able to do this for prominent american politicians as well. 

And sad news tonight from Pittsburgh, Bubba the lobster is dead.  Some estimated Bubba may have lived 100 years in the Atlantic Ocean before he was caught this week.  But as his celebrity grew, a custody battle raged between Whitley's, PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the other PETA, the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.  In the end, it was all too much strife for Bubba.  He's dead now and the rest of these people have blood on their hands.  Or is that butter on their hands?  Bubba, the lobster, was 100 years old. 

(SONG):  I will remember you will you member me don't let it pass you by . 


OLBERMANN:  We still miss you around here Bubba, you were, well, delicious. 

Also on COUNTDOWN's “2005 Oddball Extravaganza,” if you thought any of that was strange, you've obviously never watched a Japanese game show.  International weirdness coming up.  And why do so many of our weird news stories come from just one state?  An “Oddball” salute to Florida when we return. 

But first President Bush's first news conference in 2005, edited especially for “Oddball.” 


GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  We have a full agenda.  I'm looking forward to the work ahead.  And now I'm looking forward to answering some of your questions.  I'm looking forward to the challenge and looking forward to reaching out to our friends.  And looking forward to taking the case to the American people.

Looking forward to working to make sure the Iraqis have got a democracy.  Look forward to continuing to make sure that Afghanistan is as secure as possible.

We look forward to spreading freedom around the world.  I look forward to working with Congress, I look forward working to haul the line with the United States Congress. 

I look forward to working with the Congress.  And I'm looking forward to leading the Congress.  I'm looking forward to my visit with him this afternoon.  I'm look forward to working with her.  I look forward to—you know, a—and I look forward to, um—and Dr.  Rice and I look forward to moving forward. 

I look forward to working with members of both parties.  I look forward to discussing it with members of both parties.  I'm looking forward to working with people of both plates (ph).  I am looking forward to working with both republicans and democrats.  And then I look forward to taking off shortly thereafter and traveling around the country discussing this issue.  And so I look forward to leading the world in that direction.  I feel like people are looking forward to working with us.  Listen, thank you all very much for your time.  I appreciate this.  I'm uh, and looking forward to working with you all as we have a productive 2005.  Thank you. 


OLBERMANN:  When compiling the material for a news hour like this, one begins to notice some odd news trends, such as the frequency that one health food store owner in Brooklyn seems to set new weird world records.  It's one every couple of weeks.  Stranger still, how do so many odd things seem to happen in the state of Florida?  Day in and day out, no state has more weird news items than Florida does.  It has become it's own category of weird news.  A state that keeps “Oddball” in business.  Maybe it's the year-round sunshine or something in the water or maybe it's just all a strange coincidence.  I mean face it, wildlife officials in Oklahoma aren't going to come across the scene of a python that exploded after trying to eat an alligator. 

And pet store robberies, where there are cameras in cages to give shot like this.  They could probably happen anywhere.  Yoink!

But they don't happy just anywhere.  Time after mind boggling time the weird stuff happens in Florida, which is why we say thank you, Florida.  Thank you.  If not for your inordinate amount of strange people, weird animals, and crazy video and dumb criminals, this show itself would not be possible.  Florida, “Oddball” salutes you. 



OLBERMANN (voice-over):  America, US&A.  Here at COUNTDOWN, we love each and every state in the union for all wonderful stories they bring us from the runaway brides of Georgia to the celebrity trials of California.


OLBERMANN:  From the prison champs of West Virginia and the sexually unfocas mayors of the northwest. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I don't deny that.

OLBERMANN:  Each state has something to offer COUNTDOWN, but one state in particular seems to bring more to the table time after lovable time.  It's state that brought us count, recount, the pregnant, dimpled, hanging, and regular chads.  Katherine Harris, Bush v.  Gore, itself.  The state that brought us the midnight raid of Illian Gonzales.  The state that brings us the Schiavo saga.  And it's the state that bring us more crazy news than we can shake a rundown at.  It's Florida, 900 miles of 'gator tapin', doctor shoppin', tiger gropin', mullet wearin', kitty snatchin', Virgin Mary sandwich sellin', COUNTDOWN contributors.  When network news anchors want to get whipped around in a storm, they head to Florida.  When Vanilla Ice loses his wallaroo, which state do you lose it in?  Florida. 

When the president (UNINTELLIGIBLE) those NASCAR dads (ph).

BUSH:  Start your engines.

OLBERMANN:  Or when he wants to listen to his iPod during a debate.  Where does he go?  Florida.  When dumb criminals with dumb hairdos get drunk and ride scooters, where does it happen?  Florida. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  You try driving a go-ped drunk.  It's impossible.

OLBERMANN:  When you need a robotic raster refrigerator to bring you cool beers, where can you find it?  Florida.  When Donald Trump gets married again where does he get married?  Florida. 

When Fifi and Toto the dogs get married, where do they get married?  Florida.  When an Orange County deputy sheriff use an elevator as a port-a-john—Florida! When armature dentists decide to open a practice in a garage—Florida!

When Sumo wrestlers do street surfing, get caught, and aren't worked about the charges.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I got a great lawyer and a lot of money, so I don't really care a whole lot.

OLBERMANN:  Florida.  When Fidel Castro gets prank called, who's on the line?  Florida! Car chases, blowed up bridges, alligators, sharks, manatees, even Tarzan's tigers.  Florida! Our most favoritest peninsula in the whole-wide-world, including Whangaparaoa Peninsula in New Zealand. 

When it comes to the news we, here at COUNTDOWN use, Florida is numero uno. 


OLBERMANN:  It's not the state, but the fine folks of Japan also produce fine quality strange news on a regular basis.  For you the strangest of the strange.  And that's just the first stop on our trip around the wide world of weird.  The strange people do in other countries, ahead. 

First, the top three sound bytes of the day, first aired February 27, 2005.


SNOOP DOGG, MUSICIAN:  It's all love out here, many.  They love the fact that Snoop Dogg took the time to come out and do this for the community.  This is the first annual Snooper Bowl, it's being held out here in Jacksonville.  We'll be legendary one day.  We'll look back at this 20 years from now and say this is where it all began.

SEN. JOHN KERRY (D), MASSACHUSETTS:  It's dirty (ph) -- it's three times, three times the Social Security deficit.  If you just took 1/3 of the president's making the tax cut permanent into, you know, you could make Social Security safe without cutting benefits into the 22 century. 

DON IMUS, MSNBC “IMUS IN THE MORNING”:  You know I—well, you know what I have been doing while you've been talking?  Figuring out how to run this computer here. 

Well, I'm sorry to bore you with this, but... 

GERALDO RIVERA, FOX NEWS:  After investigating the facts and circumstances in this case I have made no secret of my feelings however unpopular.  It is my constitutionally protected opinion that Michael Jackson is (bleep).



OLBERMANN:  Some video clips are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.  And then there's this one, which is all three.  But this warning, the following video may be unsetling if you're easily disturbed by images of Japanese bubblegum pop girl band members with pork chops strapped to their heads, put in a big glass box with a hungry lizard, all on live television.  No, I'm just kidding, it's nothing like that.  We present it in it's entirety and without commentary this weird Japanese video clip we just happened to find on the internet. 




OLBERMANN:  There's panic in the studio.  You say that like that's an unusual thing.  Happens here every night.  Don't worry, the animals coming up in COUNTDOWN's “2005 Oddball Extravaganza” are much easier to get along with, just do not make eye contact. 

And later, we visit the legends wing of the COUNTDOWN Hall of Fame, where you will hear those immaterial words. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And I'm a drug dealer, not a bank robber. 


OLBERMANN:  All that and more ahead, but first, it's another episode of “Meet the Press,” taken entirely out of context. 


TIM RUSSERT, “MEET THE PRESS”:  Chairman of the National Republican Party, Ken Mehlman is here. 

Welcome.  What's the problem?

KEN MEHLMAN, CHAIRMAN REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE:   I would disagree with that.  I would respectfully disagree with the (UNINTELLIGIBLE) characterization.  I would respectfully disagree with their statement on that and I would respectfully disagree with those numbers.  Well, I would respectfully disagree with Mr.  Posen. 

RUSSERT:  There seems to be some disagreement with what exactly was decided with this agreement. 

MEHLMAN:  I would respectfully disagree with that finding.

RUSSERT: We're going to take a quick. 

MEHLMAN:  Well again, I would respectfully disagree I would also, though, disagree as I said a moment ago, we can disagree about politics without calling each others liars and losers.  I agree with it.  Tim I would agree with his mom.


OLBERMAN:  There really are only two kinds of oddball stories - animal stories and giant food stories and car chases, and every now and then, a drunk naked guy.  But mostly animals, which is why our 2005 oddball extravaganza includes an entire segment devoted to our four legged furry friends.  Let's play oddball.

We begin in Oakland, Maryland for opening day in the extremely controversial bear hunting season.  Hundreds of hunters entering the woods of western Maryland in an attempt to lower the population of black bears in the area.  And today, the first bear was brought down by an eight-year old girl named Sierra Styles.  And isn't she precious?


SIERRA STYLES:  I like animals, but that was - really made me happy to get one.


OLBERMAN:  Daddy's little princess gave the 200 pound bear both barrels in the chest for her first ever kill.  Special moment in any eight-year old girl's life.

We begin in Scapoose (ph), Oregon.  There's a moose loose in Scapoose (ph).  It's a bear actually, but bear doesn't rhyme.

We begin down under where one little Australian kitty cat is doing what 32 percent of the country's human population has trouble with - using a toilet to do his dirty, dirty business.

The United Arab Emirates, where they're so rich they got robots to ride on camels.  We also know she has the tank all to herself because well, because she's being shell fished.

Surfing mice.  Alert your friends and loved ones.  If your children are sleeping, wake them up.  You'll never forgive yourself if you let them miss this.


GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  Uh-oh.  What is it we have here?  Perhaps this is a case of sibling rivalry.


OLBERMAN:  I, for one, would like to welcome our crab overlords.  All hail Ansang Yu, master beekeeper.  Sang Yu?  No, Sang Yu.  See Sang Yu do push-ups with bees.  See him ride a bike with bees.  See him run screaming away and jump into a lake.

Now this is more my speed.  Mongo like Sheriff Bart.  Carlos, Louisiana, home of Teeny Swoop, and Buck.  That's not three people.  Teeny Swoop is the guy.  The steer is Buck.  Folks in town call Teeny the Steer Whisperer.  Well, that's what they call to his face.  He says he's managed to tame the eight-year old bull and rides him around town and puts those balls on his horns to prove it.  No complaints from old Buck thus far because he's biding his time.

Then one day, Teeny's going to get it.  Ah, yes.  Teeny will get it good.

Knoxville, Tennessee, it's Sniffles the Bunny.  He received this handsome certificate from the Guinness Book of Records today as the world's oldest living rabbit.  He's so old, he used to dance the Charleston with Bubba the Lobster back in the '20's.

Actually, he's dated 14 years.  Karen Mills of Knoxville says she bought Sniffles for her son in 1991, crediting his long life to a steady diet of french fries and arthritis medicine.

To a zoo in Brookfield, Illinois.  Stormy the Groundhog apparently saw his shadow and was totally embarrassed by his enormous crooked choppers.  So they're going to give him braces.  No, I'm not kidding.  Apparently, Stormy was having trouble chewing his food.  Plus, when he smiled, it looked like he was throwing gang signs.

Zookeepers say Stormy's teeth should be nice and straight in time for Groundhog Day 2006.  Then maybe they can get to work on that hideous hair do.

We're back with nightly segment full of stupid stories and weird animal video.  And don't laugh, this is up for a Peabody Award.  Or is it a Polk Award?  The Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage Award?  Never mind.

We begin at the restaurant in Seoul, South Korean.  On the menu, elephants.  Elephants, six of them, escaped from a nearby  amusement park.  Two who obviously heard about the great kimchee they serve at this joint, because they have smashed through the big plate glass window out front and come in for lunch.  No, they didn't have a reservation.  Table in the back, please.

Slightly south and west to Shanghai in China for the very first    swine olympiad.  Dozens of parents and children on hand for the games, which featured pigs in an obstacle course competing in various heats of sprinting, hurdles, and swimming events.  I said swimming events.

Come on.  Get in there.  These kids didn't pay to see you gradually turning into bacon, you know.  Come on.  The facility here was formerly used for a dolphin show, but finances were tight so they got the next best thing - pigs.  Each little piggy trying his hardest, but at the end of the day, only one could call himself a gold medal ham. 

That's Romeo, a 33-pound load of a cat, who's been sitting in the animal shelter eating bon bons and waiting to be adopted.  Don't do that.  You can start an earthquake.  He's about three times the size of a normal cat.  And he's so fat, even his fur has stretchmarks.  I'm telling you, I don't get no respect.

But a friendly local family finally decided to take in the tubby tabby this week.  They say they want to get Romeo down to about 20 pounds, so they put him on a strict diet - Subway sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

But officials say their video is no fake.  He is the first documented western panda to stand up straight.  The rest of them obviously had bad posture.  They say at night, he rides a unicycle and deals poker to the kangaroos, but they don't have that on tape either.

That's a guy in a suit.  Come on.  Guy in a suit.

No one is sure how Elsie managed to swallow a 13 inch knife.  They're even more confused by the fact that she was completely uninjured and didn't mention anything to anybody.  But docs performed a two hour surgery to remove the knife, which is good because waiting for nature to take its course would have doubtless been a huge mistake. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And they're off.  And so they are. 


OLBERMAN:  What's new, pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Help me.  Stop singing and help me.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Try to pick them up here.  And when they come out of the - oh, yes, there they go. 


OLBERMAN:  Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and antelope play mixed doubles. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  It's just so thick, they crossed under the finish line and I couldn't tell one from another. 


OLBERMAN:  From Florida to North Carolina, beachgoers have been quite    taken with the lion fish's beautiful rainbow of colors and spots.  But don't kid yourself, Jimmy.  If the lion fish got the chance, he'd kill you and everyone you care about.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I think it was Bortz (ph) in front.  May have been number 5 Coeus.  Oh, they have Coeus in front.


OLBERMAN:  But wildlife officials wonder can a turtle that's been around since the Chester A. Arthur administration and a hippo big enough to crush a coconut live together without driving each other crazy?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And well, here they come.  It's going to be close. 

I think it was number 4.  I'm not sure.  That was a hell of a race. 


OLBERMAN:  “Countdown's” 2005 oddball extravaganza continues with a  look at political oddities, including our president's audition for one of those Snickers commercials.  Not going anywhere for a while?

And then there are those who transcend the political and become oddball all timers.  “Countdown's” legends ahead.

But first, another set of top three sound bytes of a day. 


MERAB MORGAN, LOST 37 LBS. EATING AT MCDONALDS:  Well, they've got the bag a meal on their web page.  And they give you an extensive layout of every single things.

So it's like, well, I'm going to have the salad, I'm going to have the fruit.  Take Metamucil capsules for your fiber.  

KATIE COURIC, HOST, “TODAY SHOW”:  All righty, then, OK.  Anyhow, where's the problem? 



ELVIS PUMPING GAS, BIRMINGHAM, AL:  ...right over there.   You come over there and get your peanut butter sandwich.  And Elvis will pump your gas.  Elvis pumping in the gas in the magic city.  I love peanut butter and nutter sandwiches all the way from Memphis.

But I got a confession to make.


ELVIS IMPERSONATOR:  I went over about 4 cents on your gasoline.  $40.04.  Elvis just wants to pump your gas today.  Let me go get the pump for you.



UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Lizzie, I have to ask you, does Sam have a girlfriend?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Well, he kind of has three.  He has a little harem at home.  Tater is one of them.  Tater is a two time ugliest mixed breed champion.  But sometimes they have lovers' spats.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Susie, I understand that through Max, you actually found a (INAUDIBLE)?  Oh, my gosh.  Are you OK?



OLBERMAN:  Normally, the oddball portion of the “Countdown” show lasts about two minutes.  Tonight, we're going on about 45.

There's an excellent chance I'm just going to collapse between now and the top of the hour.  Stay tuned for that.


OLBERMAN:  We rejoin you now with more of “Countdown's” 2005 oddball

extravaganza.  In a year in which this country seems divided down the

middle on nearly every political issue, when the left and right have never

been further apart and our politicians in Washington cannot work together -

·         won't work together, it is all the more important that we as Americans take a long look at our political leaders and say, “It could be worse.”

We could live in Taiwan, or Korea, or Russia, or the Republic  of Georgia.  Great Britain?  I think you get the point.

Tonight, we can take some solace in knowing that whatever else our politicians may be guilty of, they have not resorted to fisty cuffs yet.  And by yet, I mean, since the caning of Senator Charles Sumner in 1868.  


RONALD REAGAN, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes.



JOHN ASHCROFT, FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL:  As the eagles soar like she's never soared before from the rocky coast to golden shore, let the mighty eagle soar.



UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Those close to Reagan say he genuinely likes Bush and appreciates his loyalty.  Bush sometimes gets carried away, expounding on his relationship with the president. 

GEORGE H.W. BUSH, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  We've had triumphs.  We've made some mistakes.  We've had some sex—setbacks.  Sometimes I feel like the—sometimes I felt like a javelin competitor who won the coin toss and elected to receive.  



UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  What did Senator Obama do that Senator Kerry and other Democrats not do?  

SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY (D), MASSACHUSETTS:  Why don't we just ask Osama bin - Osama Obama.  Obama - since he won by such a big amount.

Seriously, Senator Obama is really unique and special.  I don't know

him terribly   well.  

                (END VIDEO CLIP)

                (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

                UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Kennedy, at the height of his popularity, praised

the Berliners gathered at City Hall for standing up to the Communists with words which still ring today. 

JOHN F. KENNEDY, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  As a free man, I take pride in the words.  Ich Bin Ein Berliner.  (I am a jelly donut.)



UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Not only are we going to New Hampshire, Tom Harkin, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico.  We're going to California and Texas and New York.  And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. 

And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House.



UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  You said something I didn't say.



GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STAES:  ...with our key members of the defense team about a variety of  subjects.  We talked about Iraq.  We're making progress on the  ground.  



LBJ, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  Another thing down where crotch down your (bleep) hang, it's always a little too tight, because they cut me.  See if you can't leave me about an inch from where the zipper ends round - back to my (bleep).  



UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Bush returns to the issues debate  after an embarrassing moment on the stump Monday in front of an  open microphone.

GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  There's Adam Clymer major league - from the New York Times.




UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I fell into a burning ring of fire.  I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher.  


BRYANT GUMBEL, ANCHOR:  We are continuing to monitor developments in Tokyo, where this morning, the president was taken ill.  And there as you can see, he collapsed while seated at the  banquet table. 



DAN QUAYLE, FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  Spell that again.  Add one little bit on the end.  Potato.  There you go!



GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  We got an issue in America.   Too many good docs are getting out of business.  Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.



GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:  There's an old saying in Tennessee.  I know it's in Texas, probably Tennessee that says fool me once, shame on you.  If you fool me, you can't get fooled again.


OLBERMAN:  No, this is not a dramatization of how the 2008 presidential primaries will look.  The man in the garbage can is a “Countdown” oddball hall of fame legend.  We will visit him ahead, when “Countdown's” oddball spectacular returns.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  What do you think is the most annoying aspect of the way that we Europeans look at the world?


very tough question because if I answer it, 

Obviously, I admit there's something annoying about Europeans,  which I don't want to admit.  I don't want to say that.

Listen, I think...



UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  It's not even grunting anymore, it's roaring.



DAVID LETTERMAN, HOST:  Tell me, people must know reasonably where Osama bin Laden is now.  And you were in his neck of the woods, more or less?  Do you know - have a pretty good idea where he is?


LETTERMAN:  Well, let's go.

BROKAW:  203 Walnut Street.

LETTERMAN:  Walnut Street.  He's got a place up on Walnut Street.

BROKAW:  He got a cable upgrade last week.  And I don't know what that means.



OLBERMAN:  Finally, there are those individuals who's singularity of achievement or stupidity or obscenity have earned them newscast immortality in our hall of fame.  These are the best of the best in their fields of endeavor.  Speed, Rubix Cubing may be enough for some other broadcasts, but here you've got to really impress us.

Think you're a bad parent?  Taking your kid to Wal-mart at 3:00 in the morning ain't enough to catch our fancy.  Blowing the rent money trying to win him back from the claw machine, now that's something special.

And in one of your citizens crazy clue her husband's private parts to his leg, oh, stories are a dime a dozen.  But the small town sheriff doing his very best to explain motive to the big city media, that's world class stuff.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  She found a publical hair on her vibrator that did not belong to him.  And she was very upset about that was why she did what she did.


OLBERMAN:  These are the select few who go straight into the “Countdown” hall of fame.  No confirmation hearings, no voting, no five year waiting period.  You have earned a direct ticket into the pantheon of legends.


OBERMAN (voice-over):  The hall of fame is a big imaginary building, but not so big that we could afford to devote an entire wing to just dumb criminals and another one to only wacky stuntmen, and a third to only drunken idiots who got themselves stuck in a trash can.  There's just not enough room, especially since we had to enlarge the animal wing to accommodate the bouncing bear crowd.

So here in the hall of fame's great hall, yes, that's right, there's a hall inside the hall - bear with us here.  Each of these individuals who's bizarre actions have brought a joy, bewilderment, or just great videotape over the years has his own little plaque.  It is here that the “Countdown” hall of fame honors the legends.

Who are these people?  Well, they're every man and every woman caught on tape in strange situations, either of their own making or of someone else's.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  What are you talking about?  You're crazy.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  You're crazy.  You're crazy.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Did you just hit...


OLBERMAN:  Perhaps they got drunk with something stupid.  Or perhaps they didn't get drunk at all and still did something stupid.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  There's a bubbling cauldron of hell that I advise upon no human being on the face of the earth.  You will die if you go to those falls.

I reached out and touched the face of God.  And he smiled.  Thank you.


OLBERMAN:  Or they're just run of the mill weirdos and show-offs out for our attention.  We're not too proud to oblige if they make it strange enough.

Some of the legends are dumb criminals.  And some are really dumb criminals.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And you readily admitted you're involved in the robbery and stated that you were forced into it to pay a drug debt?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I'm a drug dealer not a bank robber.  I'm the one with the drugs.  He was the one that robbed (INAUDIBlE).  I'm the (bleep) drug dealer.


OLBERMAN:  Some though are television personalities.  Others are just personalities caught on television.


ELTON JOHN, SINGER:  Yeah, we'd love to get out of Taiwan if it's full of people like you.  Pig.  Pig.  Rude, vile pig!


OLBERMAN:  And one is here because he solved the “Countdown” magic equation - high pressure sales guy plus four foot Samurai sword, plus live TV equals...


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  The nice thing about these (INAUDIBLE).  Oh, oh, that hurt.


OLBERMAN:  His partner entered the hall on the write in ballot.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  We may need emergency surgery in the studio.


OLBERMAN:  Many of our legends are Guiness World Record holders as well.  You wouldn't believe how easy it is to get to that book.

Mixed in are the true stuntmen and the dare devils, like the all-time great Felix Baumgartner.  This guy goes out there and performs all manner of unsafe acts, literally risking death on a regular basis.  And for what?  So we can have 30 more seconds of really cool video.  Felix, we salute you.

And we salute you, Ms. Universe, the clutziest super model on earth.  We salute every celebrity who ever had a glamour shot taken at 3:00 a.m. in some Arizona drunk tank.  And we salute the true legends, those caught in unbelievable, but unfilmed situations who later for some reason defying belief agreed to reenact the events for the cameras.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  There is only one thing I had that I could use - my tongue.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And as odd as this looks, with her hands and legs tied, the day Lance called her office, not police for help.


OLBERMAN:  The hall honors all of these wild stunts, feats of strength, strange people and even stranger things they do.  You may call them dopes.  You may call them maniacs.  You may call them mystery.  You may even call them common criminals.

But here, here on this ground, we call them the legends.




OLBERMAN:  No, you shut up.  And happy holidays.  That's “Countdown's” 2005 oddball extravaganza.  Hope you enjoyed it.  And we promise not to do it again until next year.

I'm Keith Olberman.  Good night and good luck. 



Content and programming copyright 2005 MSNBC.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  Transcription Copyright 2005 Voxant, Inc. ALL RIGHTS  RESERVED. No license is granted to the user of this material other than for research. User may not reproduce or redistribute the material except for user's personal or internal use and, in such case, only one copy may be printed, nor shall user use any material for commercial purposes or in any fashion that may infringe upon MSNBC and Voxant, Inc.'s copyright or other proprietary rights or interests in the material. This is not a legal transcript for purposes of litigation.