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'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' for December 22

Read the transcript to the Thursday show

ANNOUNCER:  Tonight, a special presentation from the studios of NBC.  An “Oddball” retrospect.  One year in the making.  You know about the hurricanes.  The new pope.  High gas prices. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And Alice (ph) will pump your gas. 


                ANNOUNCER:   And the runaway bride.    But what about the stories

those other guys were too chicken to cover?   In 2005, COUNTDOWN dared to

dig deep.  We searched the four corners of the world.  We scoured the internets to bring you the strangest video, the weirdest animals, the dumbest criminals. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I know exactly how much marijuana I had.  And the marijuana that I had was gone. 


ANNOUNCER:  And the strangest video.  Did I say that already?  Anyway, from the program that revolutionized the evening news, comes the one-hour special everyone has been clamoring about.  It is the year in weird.  COUNTDOWN'S 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza.  And it begins right now!

KEITH OLBERMANN, HOST:  Greetings.  Webster's New World Dictionary defines the kicker as the vertically challenged guy on most football teams who comes out to make the field goals and extra points and stuff.    But to those of us in the news industry, that word possesses an entirely different meaning.  The kicker story is usually the last item in a newscast.  That goofy piece fluff news -- 10 guys In Uruguay making a giant omelet or there's some funny surveillance camera video of a deer in a convenience store.  A worthless throwaway kind of item, designed to distract your attention from the more serious issues that affect you, your country, your town, and your family. 

Tonight we present an entire hour of these distractions.  Yes, we're part of the problem, not part of the solution.  But during this holiday season, we hope a little distraction is just what the doctor ordered.  So without further ado, let's play “Oddball.”


We begin in Latvia.

We begin in Scappoose, Oregon. 

We begin in northeastern Tennessee with the COUNTDOWN camel chase of the week. 

We begin at Kaufman Stadium in Kansas city. 

We begin at the Borcell Nuclear Power Plant in the Netherlands where -

·         warning, warning, danger, Will Robinson.  The nuclear waste has sprouted legs and is climbing the fence to escape. 

Indianapolis, Indiana.  Hello.

Pikesville, Maryland.  Hello.

Fort Hood, Texas. 

Tokyo!  Hello.

To Houston!  Hello.

Minot, North Dakota.  Hello. 

Tai Gou (ph), South Korea.  Hello. 

Los Angeles.  Hello. 

We begin in Guatemala, where science is bringing the people a new and interesting ways to mix drinks and stuff.  Yes, using recycled parts from old bicycles.  Women like these here can save hundreds of dollars on costly kitchen appliances.  And in just 20 to 30 minutes, blend themselves a refreshing beverage and get some healthy exercise in the process.   Come on, pedal for it.  Earn that margarita!

Finally at the San Francisco Zoo for another episode of rhinoceros versus big pumpkin.  This is Jean.   He's a 3,000 pound black rhino.  His keepers put a 500-pound pumpkin in his pen as part of the big annual boo at zoo event.  Oh baby!  He's going to smash that pumpkin.  Here he goes! Come on, buddy!  Come on!  Smashy, smashy! Come on!   Come on!  Hey, where are you going?  Come on!  Come back and smash the pumpkin.  What a jip!

Checking “Oddball” traffic.  We have got an overturned beer truck in Newton, Massachusetts.  Luckily the drive was uninjured.  And all the beer remained inside the—oh-oh! That's not good.  Dude!  Cool Ferrari.  Whoa, hot Ferrari! 

Speaking of deformed vegetables, we take off to the Great White North for the story of a Canadian farmer whose carrots are purple.  That's got nothing to do with the tightness of his overalls. 

And what is the situation with this deer in Pitchburg, Massachusetts? 

I'll tell you.  He just can't believe the low, low prices!


OLBERMANN:  I had a special new educational segment planned for this evening.  Brush up a string theory with Keith Olbermann.  Unfortunately, one of the producers hid my textbook.  So we'll now go to the back-up plan.  Whacky video.  Let's play “Oddball.”


There is a train coming. 

This is Lucy Kibaki, the First Lady of Kenya.  And unhappy with a recent newspaper story, she has just made this photo op into the Kenyan version of “Meet the Press.” 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  She slapped me here. 

Keos, Greece, where Opodocks (ph) Easter is our favorite event of the year because the two rival churches on the island celebrate annually by firing 65,000 rockets at each other.  Plenty of rockets! 

When the unfortunate model tried to turn her ride around—down goes Frieda! Down goes Frieda!  Back it up.  Back it up.  You got it.  Okay.  Right there will be good.


OLBERMANN:   We're back and we pause the COUNTDOWN now to get into the serious news.  Seriously stupid.  Ha ha ha!


Now here's a monkey fishing. 

Hey Look at those really big pants. 

And we've got a dog on the Major Deegans (ph) -- Oh, boy, we got a floater. 

And here's a good old-fashioned cow chase.  

Here's a very old guy bowling. 

Thank you, Mr. Whatever your name is.  Thank you. 

Look at them run.  And there she goes!  She's passed the Best Buy, hangs a right at the Applebee.  Look at her run!  She could go all the way!  And she's in the—

Into the first (inaudible), it's big squirrel with no tail in front.   The something kind of thing.  Second dog in the striped shirt.   Big squirrel through the hurdles.  He could go wide to wide, coming up fast behind the dog—it's a hippopotamus.  And down the stretch they come.  It's the big squirrel with no tail way out in front.  Big squirrel with no tail.  First sun thing second.  Loin or monkey—I'm not sure what is that. 

The winner of this race moving on to the finals.  Next week in Dallas.  And that's where the big money—wait a minute.  What's this?  The little girl on the outside is throwing the race.  She—Little Mikey is the winner.  She had the thing locked up.  She just stopped.  Never in my 30 years of broadcasting, have I seen a more disgusting display of the corruption at a sporting event. 

It seem Party Leader Vladimir Juranosky (ph) has just spit on Dumas Deputy Andres Salalia (ph). 

And let's get ready to rumble.  Oh, boy. 

Attendance was down this year at the big annual battle of the oranges because organizers started charging admission.  I can't imagine why somebody would be reluctant to pay for this. 

To Knoxville, Tennessee, where no one was injured alongside this road. 

But they all learned about a valuable lesson about driving while stoned. 

And heads up.  We got another guy with a nail stuck in his melon.  But what makes this guy's nail in the neck tale different from this guy's, this guy, this guy, this guy, or this guy?

To Las Vegas, Nevada, where one company is trying to get a leg up in the highly competitive construction market by having its workers wear kilts on the job.  The manager of the company says the gimmick gives them an edge.  And that wearing kilts comes naturally for these men because most of his employees are of Scottish and Celtic ancestry.  If guys that big say they're Scotts, they're Scotts.

Finally, to Six Flags amusement park in Jackson, New Jersey, where King Da Ka (ph), the world's tallest—world's fastest roller coaster has been shut down.  Out of commission for the foreseeable future until officials can figure out why hunks of the things have been falling off.  Jeez, you know, if we had thought there was a chance that it was dangerous, we probably would not have forced COUNTDOWN Producer Kari Fox to ride the thing.

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To butter Elvis.  Is the star attraction at this week's Texas State Fair.  Thank you, thank you very much.  The real Elvis Presley would now be about 70 years old and he probably would have fared just about the same as his dairy counterpart which broke a hip and collapsed yesterday in the Texas heat.  The king's sculpture is rushing back to repair the statue, which like the real Elvis' last breakfast, took more than 800 pounds of butter to construct. 

The old trash burning plant.  Today we do the smoke stacks.  The rest comes down next month.  The controlled implosion process involved using 120 pounds of dynamite to precisely blow the stacks in one direction away from the building. 

Well, two out of three in baseball.  We're in the hall of fame, kids. 

To Sioux Falls, home of the tallest building in  all of South Dakota.  The zip bean tower (ph).  Yes, the zip bean tower, everybody, the second tallest building in all of South Dakota. 


OLBERMANN:  Finally, in “Oddball” tonight, a new and much more serious feature we like to call weird stuff we found on the internets.  We hope you learned from it. 


We have no context for it is, we don't know where it came from.  All we know is it appears to prove the Japanese have learned how to train house flies to do circus tricks.  Look at them go. 

This Dachshund, Rusty, suffers from narcolepsy.  A condition that causes him to suddenly fall asleep when he is trying to do other things.  Little is known about the cause of narcolepsy, except that it can be inherited. 

Rusty, the narcoleptic dog, everybody.  Let's hear it for Rusty!  

Rusty, the narcoleptic dog.  Rusty.  Alright.  Rusty! 

This is a politician.  This is Pafcus (ph).  Boys and girls, if he actually once ran for president in Lithuania.  I can't imagine why he didn't win. 

Pets in has stepped forward to fill this void that so many of us thought would never be filled—could never be filled. 

The future is now.  And for $20 a pop, any family can send in a photo of its flea bitten mangy animal and receive back a memorial to that pet's imaginary lifetime, a paroic (ph) military service.  And who knows, perhaps in the future, they will be able to do this for prominent American politicians as well. 


OLBERMANN:  And sad news tonight from Pittsburgh.  Bubba the lobster is dead.  Some estimated Bubba may have lived 100 years in the Atlantic Ocean before he was caught this week.  But as his celebrity grew, a custody battle raged between Ripley's, PETA, the people for the ethical treatment of animals; and the other PETA, people for the eating of tasty animals.  In the end, it was all too much strife for Bubba.  He is dead now and the rest of these people have blood on their hands.  Or is that butter on their hands? Bubba the lobster was 100 years old.  We still miss you around here, Bubba.  You were, well, delicious. 


Also on COUNTDOWN's 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza, if you thought any of that was strange, you've obviously never watched a Japanese game show.  International weirdness coming up.  And why do so many of our own weird news stories seem to come from just one state?  An “Oddball” salute to Florida when we return. 

But first, President Bush's first news conference of 2005, edited especially for “Oddball.”

GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STAES:  We have a full agenda.  I'm looking forward to the work ahead.  And now I'm looking forward to answering some of your questions. 

I'm looking forward to the challenge and I'm looking forward to reaching out to our friends and allies.

I'm looking forward to taking the case to the American people. 

I'm looking forward to working to make sure the Iraqis have a democracy. 

I'm looking forward to continue to make sure Afghanistan—

We look forward to spreading freedom around the world. 

I look forward to working with Congress.

I'm looking forward to working to hold the line with the United States Congress. 

And I'm looking forward to leading the Congress. 

I'm looking forward to my visit with him this afternoon. 

And I'm looking forward to working with her.  I look forward to—I look forward to—and Dr.  Rice and I look forward to moving forward. 

And look forward to working with members of both parties.

I'm looking forward to discussing it with members with both parties. 

I am looking forward to working with people of both—

I am looking forward to working with both Republicans and Democrats. 

And then I look forward to taking off shortly thereafter and traveling around the country discussing this issue.  And so I look forward to leading the world in that direction. 

I feel like people are looking forward to working with us. 

Listen, thank you all very much for your time.  I appreciate this. 

And looking forward to working with you all as we have a productive 2005. 

Thank you.     



OLBERMANN:  When compiling the material for a news hour like this, one begins to notice some odd news trends, such as the frequency that one health food store owner in Brooklyn seems to set new weird world records.  It's one every couple of weeks.


Stranger still, how do so many odd things seem to happen in the state of Florida?  Day in and day out.  No state delivers more weird news items than Florida does.  It has become its own category of weird news.  The state that keeps “Oddball” in business.  Maybe it's the year-round sunshine or something in the water, or maybe it's just all a strange coincidence.  I mean, face it.  Wild life officials in Oklahoma aren't going to come across the scene of a python that exploded after trying to eat an alligator.

And pet store robberies.  Where there are cameras in the cages to give us shots like this.  They could probably happen anywhere.  Yoink!  But they don't happen just anywhere. 

Time after mind-boggling time, the weird stuff happens in Florida.  Which is why we say thank you, Florida.  Thank you.  If not for your inordinate amount of strange people, weird animals, and crazy video and dumb criminals, this show itself would not be possible.  Florida, “Oddball” salutes you!

America.  U.S. and A.  Here at COUNTDOWN, we love each and every state in the union for all the wonderful stories they bring us.  From the runaway bride of Georgia to the celebrity trials of California.  From the prison camps of West Virginia, to the sexually unfocused mayors of the Great Northwest.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I don't deny that.


OLBERMANN:   Each state has something to offer COUNTDOWN, but one state in particular seems to bring more to the table time after lovable time.  It is the state that brought us count, recount, the pregnant dimpled and hanging and regular Chad.  Katherine Harris, Bush v. Gore itself.   The state that brought us the midnight raid of Elian Gonzales.  The state that brought us the Schiavo saga.  And it's the state that brings us more crazy news  than we can shake a run down at.  It's Florida. 


900 mile of gator taping, doctor shopping, tiger groping, mullet wearing, kiddy snatching, Virgin Mary sandwich selling COUNTDOWN contributors. 

When network news anchors want to get ripped around in a storm, they head to Florida.  When vanilla ice loses its wallaroo, which state does he lose it in?  Florida!

When the president courts those NASCAR dash—


BUSH:  Start your engines.


OLBERMANN:   But when he wants to listen to I Pod during a debate, where does he go?  Florida!  When dumb criminals with dumb hairdos get drunk and ride scooters.  Where does it happen?  Florida!  When you need a robotic raster refrigerator to bring you cool beers, where can you find it?  Florida!  When Donald Trump gets married, again, where does he get married?  Florida!  When FiFi and Toto the dogs get married, where do they get married?  Florida!  When an Orange County Sheriff's Deputy uses an elevator as a port-a-john?  Florida.  When amateur dentists decide to open a practice in a garage?  Florida.  When sumo wrestlers go street surfing, get caught and aren't worried about the charges.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  But I got a greater lawyer and a lot of money, so I don't really care a whole lot.


OLBERMANN:  Florida. 

When Fidel Castro gets crank called, who is on the line?  Florida.

Car chases, blown up bridges, alligators, sharks, manatees, even Tarzan's tiger.  Florida.  Our most favoritist peninsula in the whole wide world.  Including (inaudible) peninsula in New Zealand. 

When it comes to the news that we hear at COUNTDOWN news, Florida is numero uno. 

It is not a state, but the fine folks of Japan also produce fine quality strange news on a regular basis.  For you, the strangest of the strange.  And that's just the first stop on our trip around the wide world of weird.  The strange things people do in other countries, ahead.  First the top three sound bites of the day.   First aired February 7, 2005.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  One, two, three, four—It's all love out here.  Man, they love the fact that Snoop Dog took the time to come out here and to this for the community.  This is the First Annual Snooper Bowl.  It's being held out here in Jacksonville.  We'll be legendary, one day.  We'll look back in just 20 years from now and say, this is where it all began. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Security is three times—three times the Social Security deficit.  If you just took one-third of the president's making the tax cut permanent, into, you know, you could make Social Security safe without cutting benefits into the 22nd century. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  You know what I've been doing while you've been talking?  I figured out how to run this computer here. 

Well, I'm sorry to bore you with this.

GERALDO RIVERA:  After investigating the facts and circumstances in this case, I have made no secret of my feelings.  However unpopular.  It is my constitutionally protected opinion that Michael Jackson is—


OLBERMANN:  Some video clips are born great.  Some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.  And then there's this one, which is all three.  But this warning—the following video may be unsettling if you're easily disturbed by images of Japanese bubble gum pop girl band members with pork chops strapped to their heads, put in a big glass box with a hungry lizard, all on live television.  I'm just kidding.  It is nothing like that. 

We present in its entirety and without commentary, this weird Japanese video clip we just happened to find on the internet. 


IZAM-SAN:  Go away!  Go away!  No!  No!  He's heading for Abe!  He's heading for her!  He's heading for Abe!  He's going to Abe!  He's going to Abe!  Abe, Ogawa, Yasuda!  Keep your head up!  Don't run away!  Go on!  Stay in!  That's it!  She ran away!  Izam is heading back that way!  Izam is heading over that way.  Izam-san is taking off!  He's taking off!  He's going to fall!  He's going to fall!  Izam is falling!  The studio is in a panic.  Everyone's panicking!  Everyone's panicking!  Yasuda has run away! 


OLBERMANN:  There's panic in the studio.  You say that like it's an unusual thing.  Happens here every night.  Don't worry, the animals coming up in COUNTDOWN's 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza are much easier to get along with.  Just do not make eye contact!  

And later, we visit the legends wing of the COUNTDOWN Hall of Fame, where you will hear those immortal words.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And I'm a drug dealer, not a bank robber.


OLBERMANN:  All that and more ahead.  But first, it's another episode of “Meet the Press,” taken entirely out of context. 



UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Chairman of the National Republican Party Ken Mehlman is here.  Welcome.  What's the problem?

KEN MEHLMAN:  I would disrespectfully disagree with that.  I would just respectfully disagree with Senator Danforth's characterization.  I would respectfully disagree with their statement on that.  I would respectfully disagree with those numbers.  Well, I would respectfully disagree with Mr. Pozins (ph). 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  There seems to be some disagreement as to what exactly was decided with this agreement. 

MEHLMAN:  I would respectfully disagree with that finding.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  We're going to take a quick break. 

MEHLMAN:  Well, again I would respectfully disagree.  I would also, though,  disagree, as I said a moment ago, we can disagree about politics without calling each others liars and losers.  I agree with him.  Tim, I would agree with his mom. 



OLBERMANN:  There really are only two kinds of “Oddball” stories: 

Animal stories and giant food stories—and car chases, and every now and then a drunk, naked guy.  But mostly animals which our 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza includes an entire segment devoted to our four legged furry friends.  Let's play “Oddball.”

We begin in Oakland, Maryland for opening day in the extremely controversial bear hunting season.  Hundreds of hunters entering the woods of western Maryland in an attempt to lower the population of black bears in the area and today the first bear was brought by an 8-year-old girl named Sierra Styles (ph).  And isn't she precious?


SIERRA STYLES (ph), CHILD HUNTER:  I like animals, but that was—really made me happy to get one.


OLBERMANN:  Daddy's little princess gave the 200 pound bear both barrels in the chest for her first-ever kill, a special moment in any 8-year-old girl's life. 

We begin in Scappoose, Oregon.  There's a moose loose in Scappoose!  It's a bear actually, but bear doesn't rhyme.  We begin down under where one little Australian kitty cat is doing what 32 percent of the country's human population has trouble with—using a toilet to do his dirty, dirlty business. 

The United Arab Emirates, where they're so rich they have robots to ride on camels.  We also know she has the tank all to herself because, well because she's being shellfish. 

Surfing mice.  Alert your friends and loved ones, if your children are sleeping, wake them up.  You'll never forgive yourself if you let them miss this.


BUSH:  Oh-oh! What is it we have here?  Perhaps this is a case of sibling rivalry.


OLBERMANN:  I, for one, would like to welcome our crab overlords. 

All hail An Sung Yu (ph), master beekeeper.   Sung Yu?   No, Sung Yu.  

See Sung Yu do pushups covered with bees, see him ride a bike with bees.  

See him run screaming away and jump into a lake.


Now, this is more my speed.  Mongo like Sheriff Bart.  Carless (ph) Louisiana, home of Teeny Swoop and Buck.  That's not three people, Teeny Swoop is the guy, the steer is Buck.  Folks in town call Teeny the Steer Whisperer.  Well, that's what they call him to his face.  He says he's managed to tame the 8-year-old bull and rides him around town and he puts those balls on his horns to prove it.  No complaints for old Buck thus far, because he is biding his time.  And one day, Teeny's gonna get it.  Oh, yes.  Teeny'll get it, good!

Knoxville, Tennessee, it's Sniffles, the bunny.  He received this handsome certificate from the Guinness Book of Records today, as the world's oldest living rabbit.  He's so old he use to the Charleston with Bubba the lobster back in the '20s.  Actually, he's 14 years.  Karen Mills of Knoxville says she bought Sniffles for her son in 1991 for her son.  Crediting his long life a steady diet of french fries and arthritis medicine. 

To the zoo in Brookfield, Illinois.  Stormy the groundhog apparently saw his shadow and was totally embarrassed by his enormous crooked choppers so they're going to give him braces.  No, I'm not kidding.  Apparently, stormy was having trouble chewing his food, plus when he smiled it looked like he was throwing gang signs.  Zookeepers say Stormy's teeth should be nice and straight in time for Groundhog Day in 2006, then they can get to work on that hideous hairdo.  (COUGH) Mullet.  (COUGH)

We're back with our nightly segment of stupid stories and weird animal video.  And don't laugh.  This is up for a Peabody Award.  Or is it a Polk Award?  This is the Jimmy Dean pork sausage award?  Never mind. 

We begin at the restaurant in Seoul, South Korea, on the menu, elephants—elephants.  Six of them escaped from a nearby amusement park.  Two, who obviously heard about the great kinchi they serve at this joint, because they have smashed through the big plate glass window out front and come in for lunch.  No, they didn't have a reservation.  Table in the back, please!

Slightly south and west to Shanghai in China, for the very first swine Olympiad.  Dozens of parents and children on hand for the games which featured pigs in an obstacle course competing in various heats of spribting, hurdles, and swimming events.  I said swimming events.  Get in there! These kids didn't pay to see you gradually turning into bacon, you know.  Come on! The facility here was formally used for a dolphin show but finances were tight, so they got the next best thing.  Pigs.  Each little piggy trying his hardest but at the end of the day, only one could call themselves a “Gold Medal Ham.” 

That's Romeo, a 33 pound load of a cat who has been sitting in the animal shelter eating bon bones and waiting to be adopted.  Don't do that, you could start an earthquake! He's about three times the size of a normal cat and he's so fat, even his fur has stretch marks.  I'm telling you, you don't get no respect.  But, a friendly local family finally decided to take in the tubby tabby this week.  They said they want to get Romeo down to about 20 pounds so they put him on a strict diet:  Subway sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

But officials say their video is no fake, he is the first documented lesser panda to stand up straight.  Most of them obviously have bad posture.  They say at night he rides the unicycle and deals poker to the kangaroos, but they don't that have on tape either.  That's a guy in a suit.  Come on! Guy in a suit. 

No one is sure how Elsie managed to swallow a 13-inch knife.  They're even more confused by the fact that she was completely uninjured and didn't mention anything to anybody.  But docs performed a two hour surgery to remove the knife, which is good because waiting for nature to take its course would have doubtless been a huge mistake. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And they're off. 

And so they are. 


OLBERMANN:  What's new pussy cat?  Whoa, whoa, whoa—Help me! Stop singing and help me!


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Try to pick them up when they come out of  the—ope there—oops—yes, there they go.  


OLBERMANN:  Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play—mixed doubles. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  It's just so thick, they crossed from the finish line, like, I couldn't tell one from another. 


OLBERMANN:  From Florida to North Carolina, beachgoers have been quite taken with the lion fish's beautiful rainbow of colors and spots.  But, don't kid yourself, Jimmy, if a lion fish got the chance, he'd kill and your one you care about. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Uh, I think it was Borts (ph) in front, may have been No.  5, poise.  Oh, they have poise (ph) in front.


OLBERMANN:  Wildlife officials wonder, can a turtle that's been around since the Chester A.  Arthur administration and a hippo fat enough to crack a coconut live together without driving each other crazy? 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And—here they come.  It's gong to be close.  I think it was No.  4 four.  I'm not sure.  That was a hell of a race.


OLBERMANN:  COUNTDOWNs” 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza continues with a look at politicized oddities including our president's audition for one of those Snickers commercials.  Not going anywhere for awhile? 

And then there are those who transcend is political and become “Oddball” all-timers.  COUNTDOWN's legends ahead, but first, another set of “Top Three Sound Bites of the Day.” 



MERAB MORGAN, LOST 84 LBS EATING MCDONALDS:  Well, they've got the bag-a-meal on their web page.  It'll give you an extensive layout of every single thing.  So, it's like, I'm going to have the salad, I'm going to have the fruit.  Take Metamucil capsules for your fiber.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  All righty then.  Any who, Merab.

MORGAN:  What's the problem? 

“ELVIS,” PUMPING GAS, Birmingham, AL:  Right over there, you come owe there and get your peanut butter and nanner sandwich and Elvis will visit will pump your gas.  Elvis pumping gas in the magic city.  I love peanut butter and nanner sandwiches, all the way from Memphis.  Well, I got a confession to make.  I want over about four cents on your gasoline.


ELVIS:  Forty dollars and four cents.  Elvis just wants to purchase your gas today.  Let me go get the pump for you. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Excuse me, I just have to ask you.  Does Sam have a girlfriend?

SUZIE, OWNER OF THE WORLD'S UGLIEST DOGS:  Well, he kind of has three.  He has a little harem at home.  Taiter is one of them.  Taiter is a two-time ugliest mixed breed champion, but sometimes they have lover's spats. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Suzie, I understand that through Mac, you actually found a.


Oh my god.





OLBERMANN:  Normally the “Oddball” portion of the COUNTDOWN show lasts about two minutes.  Tonight, we're going on about 45.  There's an excellent chance I'm just going to collapse  between now and the top of the hour.  Stay tuned for that.


OLBERMANN:  We rejoin you now with more of COUNTDOWN's 2005 “Oddball”

extravaganza.  In a year in which this country seems divided down the

middle on nearly every political issue, when the left and right have never

been further apart, and our politicians in Washington cannot work together

·         won't work together.  It is all the more important that he we as American take a long look and our political leaders and say, it could be worse.  We could live in Taiwan or Korea or Russia or the Republic of Georgia.  Great Britain.  I think you get the point. 

Tonight we can take some solace in knowing that whatever else our politicians may be guilty of, they have not resorted to fisticuffs yet.  And by yet, I mean since the caning of Senator Charles Sumner in 1868. 


RONALD REAGAN, FRM.  U.S. PRESIDENT:  My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell that you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes.  

                UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  (SINGING):  Let the eagles sore   like she's never

soared before   from the rocky coast to golden shore let the mighty eagle


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Those close to Reagan say he genuinely likes Bush and appreciate his loyalty.  Bush sometime gets carried away expounding on his relationship with the president. 

GEORGE H.W. BUSH, FMR.  U.S. PRESIDENT:  We've had triumphs.  We've made some mistakes.  We've had some sex—set backs. 


BUSH:  Sometime I feel like the—sometimes I felt like a javelin competitor who won the coin toss and elected to receive. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  What did Senator Obama do that senator Kerry and others, democrats, not do? 

SEN, EDWARD KENNEDY (D), MASSACHUSETTS:  Why don't we ask Osama bin

Laden—I said Osama—Obama—Senator Obama what is—since he won by

such a big amount.  Seriously, Senator Obama is really a unique and special

·         I don't know him terribly well.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Kennedy at the height of his popularity, praised the Berliners gathered at city hall for standing up to the communists in words which still ring today. 

JOHN F.  KENNEDY, FMR.  U.S. PRESIDENT:  As a free man, I take pride in the words:  Ich bin ein Berliner.


HOWARD DEAN (D), FMR GOVERNOR OF VERMONT:  Not only are we going to New Hampshire (INAUDIBLE), we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, we're going to California and Texas and New York and we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan and then we're going to Washington, D.C.  to take back the White House.  Yeah!

TERESA HEINZ KERRY:  You said something I didn't say, now shove it.  

G.W. BUSH:  (INAUDIBLE) key members of the defense team about a variety of stuff that we talked about Iraq.  We're making progress on the ground. 

LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON, FMR. U.S. PRESIDENT:   Now another thing, the crotch.down where your **** hang, it always a little too tight—uh, because they cute me.  Let's see if you can't leave me about an inch from where the zipper (belch) ends—uh, right under my—back of my bung (BEEP).

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Bush rushes to the issues debate after an embarrassing moment on the stump, Monday, in front of an open microphone.  

G.W. BUSH:  There's Adam Clymer major league (BEEP) from the “New York Times.”


JOHNNY CASH, MUSICIAN (SIGNING):  I fell into a burning ring of fire.  

I went down, down, down and the flame went higher 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  We are continuing to monitor developments in Tokyo where this morning, the president was taken ill.  And there as you can see, he collapsed while seated at the banquet table. 

DAN QUAYLE, FMR.  U.S. VICE PRESIDENT:  Spell that again.  Add one little bit on the end.there you go.

G.W. BUSH:  We got issue in America, too many good docs are getting out of business.  Too many obgyns aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country. 

There's an old saying in Tennessee.  I know it is in Texas, probably

in Tennessee, that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you.  Fool me -

·         you can't get fooled again. 


OLBERMANN:  No, this is not a dramatization of how the 2008 presidential primaries will look.  The man in the garbage can is a COUNTDOWN “Oddball” Hall of Fame legend.  We will visit him ahead when the “Oddball” spectacular returns.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  What duds is the most annoying aspect of the way that we Europeans look at the world? 

G.W. BUSH:  You know, that's a very tough question because if I answer it, obviously I admit that there's something annoying about Europeans, which I don't want to admit.  I don't want to say that.  Listen I—I—I think.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  It's not even grunting anymore, it's roaring.

DAVID LETTERMAN, “LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN”:  Let me say that people must know reasonably where Osama bin Laden is now, and you were in his neck of the woods, more or less.  Do you know?  Do you have a pretty good idea where he is? 

TOM BROKAW, NBC NIGHTLY NEWS:  Yeah.  I think so. 

LETTERMAN:  Well, let's go!

BROKAW:  203 Walnut Street, Apartment C.

LETTERMAN:  He's got a place up on Walnut Street.

BROKAW:  He got a cable upgrade last week and I don't know what that means.



OLBERMANN:  Finally, there are those individuals whose singularity of achievement or stupidity or obscenity have earned them newscast immortality in our hall of fame.  These are the best of the best in their fields of endeavor.  Speed Rubik's Cubing may be enough for some other broadcasts, but here you've got to really impress us.  Think you're a bad parent?  Taking your kid to Wal-Mart at 3:00 in the morning ain't enough to catch our fancy.  Blowing the rent money trying to win him back from the claw machine, now that's something special.

And did one of your citizens Crazy Glue her husband's private parts to his leg?  Oh, those stories are a dime a dozen, but the small-town sheriff doing his very best to explain motive to the big city media, that's world-class stuff. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  She found a pubic hair on her vibrator that did not belong to him and she was very upset, that's why she did what she did. 


OLBERMANN (voice-over):  These are the select few who go straight to the COUNTDOWN Hall of Fame.  No confirmation hearings, no voting, no five year waiting period.  You have earned a direct ticket into the pantheon of legends. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Good evening. 

OLBERMANN:  The hall of fame is a big imaginary building but not so big that we could afford to devote an entire wing to just dumb criminals and another one to only wacky stuntmen, and third to only drunken idiots who got themselves stuck in trashcans.  There's not enough room, especially since we had to enlarge the animal wing to accommodate the huge bouncing bear crowds. 

So here in the Hall of Fame's, great hall, yes, that's right, there's a hall inside the hall—bare with us here, each of these individuals whose bizarre actions have brought us joy, bewilderment, or just great videotape over the years, has its own plaque.  It's here that COUNTDOWN Hall of Fame honors the legends. 

Who are these people?  Well, they're every man and every woman caught on tape in strange situations, either of their own making or of someone elsees.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  What are you talking about?  You're crazy. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  You're crazy.  You're crazy, man.  (INAUDIBLE)

OLBERMANN:  Perhaps they got drunk and did something stupid.  Or perhaps they didn't get drunk at all and still did something stupid. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  There's a bubbling cauldron of hell I advise upon no human being to do on the face of the earth.  You will die if you go down those falls and I reached out and touched the face of god and he smiled.  Thank you. 

OLBERMANN:  Or they're run-of-the-mill showoffs out for our attention. 

We're not too proud oblige if they make it strange enough. 


OLBERMANN:  Some of the legends are dumb criminals and some are really dumb criminals. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  And you readily admitted your involvement in the robbery and stated that you were forced into it to pay a drug debt. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I'm a drug dealer, not a bank robber.  I'm one be with the drugs.  He's the one that robbed—my co-offendant.  I'm the mother (BEEP) drug dealer. 

OLBERMANN:  Some of them are television celebrities.  Others are just personalities, other are just personalities caught on television. 

ELTON JOHN, MUSICIAN:  Yeah, we'd love to get out of Taiwan.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Get out of Taiwan! Get out of Taiwan!

JOHN:  Pig! Pig! Rude, vile pig. 

OLBERMANN:  And one is here because he solved the COUNTDOWN magic equation, high-pressure sales guy, plus 4 foot samurai sword, plus live TV equals.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  The nice thing about these practice (INAUDIBLE) ow! Oh, that hurt. 

OLBERMANN:  His partner entered the hall on the write-in ballot. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  We may need emergency studio in the studio. 

OLBERMANN:  Many of our legends are Guinness World Record holders, as well.  You wouldn't believe how easy it is to get into that book.  Mixed in are the true stuntmen and the daredevils like the all-time great Felix Baumgartner.  This guy goes out there and performs all manner of unsafe acts literally risking death on a regular basis and for what?  So we can have 30 more seconds of really cool video.  Felix, we salute you. 

And we salute you Miss Universe, the klutziest supermodel on earth.  We salute every celebrity who ever took a glamour shot taken at 3:00 a.m.  in some Arizona drunk tank.  And we salute the true legends, those caught in unbelievable, but unfilmed situations who later, for some reason, defying belief agree to reenact the even for the cameras. 

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  There is only on thing I had that I could use—my tongue. 

And as odd as this looks, with her hands and legs tied, Venney Lance (ph) called her office, not police, for help.

OLBERMANN:  The hall honors all of these wild stunts, feats of strength, strange people, and even stranger things they do.  You may call them dopes, you may call them maniacs, you may call them mysterious (ph), you may even call them common criminals, but here, here on this ground, we call them the legends. 



OLBERMANN:  No, you shut up! And happy holidays. 

That's COUNTDOWN's 2005 “Oddball” extravaganza.  I hope you enjoyed it and we promise not to do it again until next year.   I'm Keith Olbermann, goodnight and good luck.



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