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'The Situation with Tucker Carlson' for December 26

Read the transcript to the Monday show

Guest: Azzam Tamimi, Al Sharpton, Bruce Friedrich, Robert Greenwald, Mat Staver, Jesse Lee Peterson, Bill Talen, Bruce Weinstein

TUCKER CARLSON, HOST:  Welcome to THE SITUATION yearend '05 spectacular.  I'm Tucker Carlson.  Thanks a lot for joining us.  We appreciate it. 

THE SITUATION is a studio show.  We shoot it in the studio every night, pretty much at the same place and time, except when there's news, at which point we get on the road, and this year we did.  Within hours of Hurricane Katrina hitting the Gulf Coast, we were on our way there. 

Here's some of what we saw. 


CARLSON:  Next time there's a Category 3 hurricane or above anywhere in this country, the National Guard ought to deploy to the site of it before and stay there until order and power are restored. 

When natural disasters take place in places where people live close together, there will be civil disorder.  It's axiomatic.  Everybody knows it.  Let's time let's act on what we know. 

I hope you're not going to add your invoices to that of Elijah Cummings in attempt to make some sort of racial point about what is certainly a multiracial, multicultural tragedy that affects all Americans. 

REV. AL SHARPTON, CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST:  I think that it's a multicultural and multiracial tragedy, but I think that one would be naive or deceptive, one or the other, to act as though that we do not feel in many parts of this country race is a factor in how this administration reacted, how long it took, and it would not have been tolerated that long, had not there been the involvement of black people. 

I mean, I think it is absolutely absurd to act as though, Tucker, this is something being created by those of us rather than created by the situation that is evidenced here.  Nowhere in America would I think they would have tolerated whites living under this condition for four days, and a president would have stayed in his house in Crawford, Texas, for two days... 

CARLSON:  Well, I think some of what you're saying is true.  I mean, if this happened in Palm Beach, and this was Worth Avenue, not I-10, there's no way people would have waited for four days. 

SHARPTON:  Which is racial factor. 

CARLSON:  You're absolutely right, but hold on.  But actually, like life itself, it's a little bit more complicated than merely a slogan.  The fact is, New Orleans is a majority black city with a black run government, which failed the majority black population of the city.  This was not any racist plot from above. 

SHARPTON:  Wrong.  Wrong. 

CARLSON:  The city itself is number one at fault. 

SHARPTON:  The city government had been asking for some time for infrastructural money to help them rebuild the infrastructure of the city, including the levees.  I was there last year when I was running for president, and we addressed this issue.  You cannot blame the city government, who did not receive the resources. 

CARLSON:  Oh, really?

SHARPTON:  You can't ignore the fact that many Americans understand that George Bush would not have responded—you've had hurricanes right here in Florida that had a more immediate response from the president and his brother than they did to obvious deaths of hundreds of thousands of people before he opened his mouth one time. 

CARLSON:  You're not—you will never see me and you've never seen me—you'll never see me in the future apologizing for the guilty, for those who deserve blame.  And as I said three times, and I mean it, the Bush administration deserves a lot of blame for this and they will take their lumps, deservedly so, but to say that the city of New Orleans has no responsibility to its own citizens is a ludicrous statement, and you know it. 

SHARPTON:  I didn't say they had no responsibility. 

CARLSON:  All right. 

SHARPTON:  I'm saying they did not have the resources, and I'm saying that...

CARLSON:  All right.

SHARPTON:  ... the factors led to the door of this president.  He can come in four, five days later and take photo-ops, but he will have to explain in history where he was for those two days when he was missing in action, while people were dying in this country, some who have put their life on the line to defend this country. 

CARLSON:  All right, the Reverend Al Sharpton, restrained as always.  I'm not quite clear where you stand.  Maybe on a future date you'll tell us.  But thank you for joining us now. 

Many of the survivors we've met could be forgiven for feeling bitter and hopeless.  Many of them have very little to feel hopeful about.  But every once in a while, you run into someone, for reasons that are almost inexplicable is filled with hope and filled with gratitude.  Our cameraman, Mark French, was walking down the street today and ran into one such man. 

Here's what he said.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  New Orleans, from the beginning, how we conceived ourselves, even though we separated, we fought.  When we ran, nobody wanted to fight us.  This country wants to fight everybody.  We didn't have anybody to fight.  Nobody wanted to fight us.  So we say, what the hell.  Let's go at it, against each other.  We ain't got nobody else to fight.  Then we can settle the problem, so it's been that way ever since.  My message to my country, my country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty.  How I love thee.  Thanks. 

CARLSON:  Amen.  The lesson of Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath, pretty obvious.  The government failed at all levels, local, state, and federal, but there is time for it to redeem itself, rebuild the city, rebuild this region.  That's the measure of what you've done. 


CARLSON:  Another story that got us on the road, the July terror bombings in London.  Within 24 hours, we were there.  We wanted to talk to Islamic extremists.  They were not hard to find.  But we also wanted to interview Muslim moderates and were steered toward this man. 


DR. AZZAM TAMIMI, DIRECTOR, INSTITUTE OF ISLAMIC POLITICAL THOUGHT:  We here in Britain, we in Europe, you in America, live in houses of glass.  Don't throw stones at others. 

CARLSON:  Coming dangerously close to justifying what happened yesterday. 

TAMIMI:  Not justifying, explaining.  Everyone of us is under threat.  We want to prevent this threat.  I want to prevent it as much as everybody else.  I am telling you that we have to look at the reasons behind this, the root of the problem.  There are crises in the Middle East that needs to be addressed. 

CARLSON:  If the Methodists all of a sudden went bananas and started launching terrorist attacks, you would see the Episcopalians, you know, set off and march against them.  I think it points up the cowardice of a lot of mainstream Muslim organizations, that they haven't denounced Osama bin Laden from the roof tops day after day. 

TAMIMI:  That statement is totally wrong.  The scholars in Saudi Arabia have openly denounced Osama bin Laden and consider him... 

CARLSON:  Because he hates them.  Because he advocates the overthrow. 

TAMIMI:  That proves the statement of your own. 

CARLSON:  That's because he advocates the overthrow of Saudi Arabia.  But where are the marches in this country and in Germany and United States from mainstream Muslim groups against Osama bin Laden?  Where are they?

TAMIMI:  Why should the Muslims demonstrate against Osama bin Laden?

CARLSON:  Because he is taking their faith in vain.  He is using their faith as a justification for murder. 

TAMIMI:  World of religion. 

CARLSON:  He leads a movement of thousands of people. 

TAMIMI:  You see, if somebody is insane, I shouldn't be taking the blame for his insanity. 

CARLSON:  Might help to distance yourself from him, aggressively. 

TAMIMI:  Yes, but Muslims should not be—Muslims should not be blackmailed to apologize for everything every other Muslim does. 

CARLSON:  I'm not defending either the occupation of Palestine, and I'm not defending, for that matter, the war in Iraq, but there is a qualitative and moral difference between what's happening in Israel and happening in Iraq and what happened yesterday in London. 

TAMIMI:  Yes, if you're dealing with white European people, then they're super class, super humans.  When you're dealing with people from Asia or Africa, that's subhuman. 

CARLSON:  That is such a stupid point.  That doesn't address at all what I just said.  There's no racial angle in it.  It's a question of intentionally targeting civilians. 

TAMIMI:  The Americans intentionally targeted civilians in Iraq.  Do you deny that?  They targeted—the intentionally...


TAMIMI:  ... targeted civilians in Afghanistan?


CARLSON:  I don't speak for the Israelis, but I am an American, and I can tell you that Americans have never intentionally targeted civilians in Iraq.  I don't support the war in Iraq, and I'm happy to refute what you just said.  Because what you said is totally untrue. 

TAMIMI:  What's untrue?

CARLSON:  That the American military has ever intentionally targeted civilians in Iraq. 

TAMIMI:  When you drop a bomb over a district in Baghdad or Basra or elsewhere or in Mosul, do you really pick and choose?

CARLSON:  Yes.  You know, actually—you know what?  I have been to Baghdad and I've seen the effect of precision bombing, and you know what the truth is, it was very precise, it eliminated buildings and left the buildings around it stand standing.  I've seen it with my own eyes.

TAMIMI:  That's ludicrous. 

CARLSON:  It's not ridiculous.  I've seen it. 

I was reading statements you said today, that seem to suggest you were a member of Hamas.  I am going to ask you, are a member of Hamas?

TAMIMI:  That's an honor I cannot claim. 

CARLSON:  All right. 

TAMIMI:  I'm not a member of Hamas, but I support Hamas.  I sympathize with Hamas.  Hamas, for me, is national legitimate liberation movement.  Hamas fights within Palestine, against occupation, occupation recognized by international law as illegal.  Hamas has not attacked America, has not attacked Europe, has not carried any single operation outside...

CARLSON:  That is all true, and I want to congratulate you on your honesty for admitting it.  That's not something I've ever heard anyone admit in public before for the following reason: Hamas, because it is a terrorist group.  And when you say it commits acts of resistance in Israel, what you're saying is that it blows up restaurants and discotheques and hotels, and city buses, very much like the bus that was blown up on Thursday. 

TAMIMI:  Hamas makes it very clear children and civilians are not targeted.  If they get killed in these bombings, it's unfortunate. 

CARLSON:  If they get killed, it's unfortunate.  Would you like me to read you about the bombings the last four years?  They're almost exclusively, with the exception of one group of hitchhikers, soldiers, waiting to hitchhike back to a base.  They almost exclusively are places where civilians congregate like city buses. 

TAMIMI:  I can provide you with a list 100 times longer of Israeli helicopters bombing Palestinian families in their homes.  I tell you what; I have a better idea for both of us and the world, why don't we bring about an end to all this violence in Palestine?  Get Hamas and the Israeli's to agree on truce. 

CARLSON:  I want you read you one other quote.  This comes from a Spanish newspaper, “La Vanguard (ph)” in November 2001, less than two months after the Twin Towers in New York.  You said, quote, in the Arab and Muslim countries, everyone jumped for joy when the world trade centers fell down. 

TAMIMI:  Yes, unfortunately, that happened. 

CARLSON:  What does that tell you about the sensibility of the Arab and Muslim world, as you put it?  What sort of animal would jump for joy at the site of the Twin Towers collapsing?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  I felt very sorry to see this happen, but it happened, because people in the Arab and Muslim world have so much grudge against the American administration.  They did not realize, they did not realize for a minute that those who were killed on 9/11 were civilians, had nothing to do with George W. Bush, had nothing to do with Clinton, had nothing to do with any administration.  It's very sad. 

CARLSON: They thought the world trade center was a military barracks?

MUSLIM:  No, no, it's not that. 

CARLSON:  I'm sorry; we are completely out of time.  I appreciate your being at least direct with me about your views, and I appreciate you joining us the last two nights.  Thank you. 


CARLSON:  Still to come, how the Grinches tried to steal Christmas became a heated topic these last few weeks.  Our favorite moments frosted with holiday cheer when we come back. 

Plus, from Tookie Williams to the controversial PETA fishing ad.  Stories that had you, our loyal viewers, hooked.  Don't tough that remote.  The SITUATION ROOM reader and not go back to him.  Turns out for a quick break.


CARLSON:  Welcome back to THE SITUATION '05 special. 

Now, a lot of shows pretend to care what you think, but we actually do.  How do you know?  Because we not only take your emails, we take your voice mails and play them on the air.  Here's some stories that got you all worked up in 2005. 


CARLSON:  If people truly believed Tookie Williams did not kill those four people, this would be a much bigger case even than it is.  Even as supporters, and I can tell by the sound of your voice, even you suspect, yes, this guy did it.  And he did it, by the way, for racial reasons, by his own admission.  I killed him because he was white.  That's what Tookie Williams said to one of his accomplices. 

SHARPTON:  Said to who?

CARLSON:  He said that to a man named Tony Sims.  Who, in fact...

SHARPTON:  What did Tony Sims get for saying what he said?

CARLSON:  He got zero.  He got prison.  Life in prison, he did not plead, say that during the trial.  He refused to trial in the trial.  He said that when he was arrested. 

SHARPTON:  I think from the beginning that, it has been very well documented by defense attorney.  There's another side of this argument, either. 

CARLSON:  That's the side I want like to bring up, the idea that Tookie Williams is redeemed, somehow convincing young people not to join gangs.  I would like one single example of one single young person whom Tookie Williams has convinced not to join a street gang. 

SHARPTON:  You have several, including many artists like Snoop Dog and others who said that he's influenced them to stop in the gangs and do things positive in the community.  You don't need one, you have had several over the last few years. 

CARLSON:  Then why hasn't gang activity in Los Angeles subsided at all?  It's always been that way. 

SHARPTON:  Well, that's like saying, why have a police department because we still have crime in L.A.  That's absurd.

CARLSON:  In here you have lines like this, “Since your daddy is teaching you the wrong lessons about right and wrong, you should teach him fishing is killing.  Until your daddy learns it's not fun to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him.  He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals, they could be next. 

I assume you have no children, right?  You couldn't.  Nobody with children would put this out, because it gives kids nightmares.  Seriously, your daddy is going to kill your dog?

BRUCE FRIEDRICH, DIRECTOR, PETA ANIMAL CAMPAIGNS:  We focus group the ad.  Kids get it.  If you watch m TV, go to the websites kids like, even Saturday morning cartoons, this is the sort of hyperbole kids like, but it makes a serious point. 

CARLSON:  Even in Washington, a focus group is not a moral justification.  I don't care what your focus group said.  How about common sense?  How about you don't accuse parents of wanting to kill the family pet?  I mean, that's so sick.

FRIEDRICH:  Tucker, you're...

VARGAS:  That's over the top.  I'm totally serious, actually. 

FRIEDRICH:  I know you're totally serious, but you're underestimating there kids.  I worked for more than six years in a homeless shelter for families.  I spent a lot of time around kids.  You're underestimating them. 

CARLSON:  I know my kids.  If someone slipped this under my door, I'd punch them out.  You're very concerned about the feelings of fish, but you don't care at all about the feelings of kids or their parents. 

CARLSON:  That's not fair.  It's totally fair, putting out this garbage.  If you cared, you wouldn't. 

FRIEDRICH:  Tucker, kids like it.  You're underestimating them.  Kids like it.  It's focused on kids age 11 and up.  And it speaks to them in a language that they understand.  No kids are going to be traumatized by this.  Kids to a kid think that it's fantastic and they retain the information. 

CARLSON:  Don't send it to my house, Bruce. 

FRIEDRICH:  OK, Tucker, I won't.

CARLSON:  I appreciate your coming on anyway. 

You open up the movie with something that struck me as something not exactly honest.  It's a profile of a place called H&H Hardware in a small town in Ohio, and you make the point it's been owned by this family for 40 some years, by the Hunter family.  Wal-Mart came to town, and their hardware store went out of business.  That's what the movie says. 

Well, according to the “Cleveland Plain Dealer”, actually that store that you profiled went out of business before Wal-Mart opened its doors. 


CARLSON:  The founder of the store is quoted as saying, “It hurts businesses, Wal-Mart does, but that's not the reason we closed.  Absolutely not.”  And in fact, that store was replaced by another hardware store, despite the fact that Wal-Mart was there. 

GREENWALD:  Yes, come on, you've been getting your talking points from those expensive spin doctors they have. 

CARLSON:  Hey.  You slow down, Mr. Greenwald.  I got that out of the “Cleveland Plain Dealer” web site.  Don't accuse me of being...

GREENWALD:  Did you—did you get the...

CARLSON:  Stop. 

GREENWALD:  Did you get the clarification that they issued the next day? 

CARLSON:  I'm not a tool for Wal-Mart.

GREENWALD:  Did you get the clarification that they issued the next day?  Did you get the statement from Mr. Hunter, the son, who runs the store? 

The film very specifically says, very specifically, it's even worse, they closed before Wal-Mart came to town.  He says it.  He goes and he tries to get a bank loan, and the banker says to him, “No.  The value of your property has gone down.” 

CARLSON:  I just watched—I just watched the film about an hour ago, and that is absolutely, absolutely not what it says. 

Don't you wish, as much as this might be the end of Karl Rove, that this was a debate about policy or ideas?  Don't you sort of feel a little bad your side is winning on essentially what is a technicality?

BILL PRESS, MSNBC ANALYST:  Tucker, let me tell you something.  I never—I'm a liberal, right.  I don't wish will of anybody.  But I can't wait to see Karl Rove frog marched out of the White House alongside of Scooter Libby.

I think what these guys tried to do is they tried to Swift Boat Joe Wilson by going after his wife, and they got caught.


CARLSON:  Still ahead, it's a tough call deciding which pet was the best behaved SITUATION guest, Mikey the chimp or Sam, the world's ugliest dog.  We recap our favorite guests of the furrier (ph) species when our “Best Of” special continues.


CARLSON:  Welcome back.  When you think of the holiday season, you think of family and gift giving, and knock down, drag out political brawls.  Well, 2005 did not disappoint.

The Christmas wars broke out, and we took sides.


CARLSON:  Most Christmas carols have no obvious religious content or at least religious content that's noticeable to most people.  I had to recite “Silent Night” earlier tonight even to recall that it had specific Christian references.  I mean, it is almost by definition, a cultural phenomenon, all these songs, even though they point to this very religious holiday.  They're not religious songs in effect anymore. 

MAT STAVER, PRESIDENT, LIBERTY COUNCIL:  Well, you know, there's no question that people walk through malls and they'll hear these songs.  We've grown up, all different people of faith.  We've sung these songs.  They are very well known.  When you hear the tune, you know exactly what the song is.  And it gets you into the holiday spirit.

But apparently, in this particular school, they're playing the role of the Grinch.  I think it's wrong.  It's unfortunate.  We intend to change it. 

CARLSON:  Well, as you point out, Christian students in this school district, as in most in this country, comprise the overwhelming majority.  I'm always amazed by how seldom they complain, though.  I guess you took up this case because one 9-year-old's parents did complain.  Do most parents complain?

STAVER:  Well, you know, in the past a lot of these parents have been silent.  But I think this year, more than any other year, we're seeing people who are saying enough is enough. 

You know, we saw the early part of this holiday season begin with the Christmas trees being renamed to a holiday tree.  I think that just really tipped the keg over, so to speak, and people have said, enough is enough.

Why did the president of the United States, George W. Bush, a Republican for that matter, issue a presidential message a couple of years ago extending best wishes to people throughout the globe for a wonderful and memorable Kwanzaa?  Why is the president on the side of Kwanzaa if its founder is this monster you described?

REV. JESSE LEE PETERSON, AUTHOR, “SCAM”:  Well, you know, this guy is a felon, as you said.  He's at Cal State, Long Beach.  I was disappointed, very disappointed when President Bush proclaimed Kwanzaa as a national holiday. 

Prior to that, Bill Clinton did the same thing.  I wasn't surprised that Bill Clinton—because bill Clinton, you know, he's a liar, a perverted kind of a guy anyway, and he's always stroking black folks rather than telling them the truth, but when President Bush did it, I was absolutely disappointed. 

REV. BILLY TALEN:  I challenge—I challenge the people in this TV congregation, go into a Wal-Mart, and try to find a gift for a loved one, there, that is made in America. 

CARLSON:  Yes, good luck. 

What do you get for your loved ones on Christmas?

TALEN:  This year, we've made the deal, which may sound unusual, we've made the deal that we will walk to get our gift.  So our loved ones are making this agreement that we will not get into a car and drive to get the gift.  And that's the easy way to cut out the big boxes, which are, you know, just full of products made in China that do not support the local economy. 

CARLSON:  Yes, I understand it on the macrolevel. 

TALEN:  Suddenly—suddenly you're in a position where you must be creative, where you must find that independent shop, where you must go and find a proprietor run shop. 

CARLSON:  Right.

TALEN:  You walk to it.  You have a relationship with the person behind the counter.  They have a relationship with the stuff on—in the display case.  They might have a memory.  They're not alienated from the products.  They're not making $7, 8, 9 an hour with no health plan.  They're not bitter.  They're enjoying what they're doing, and you, subsequently, enjoy it, too, and it becomes a gift for you to get the gift.  Amen? 

I think we can change.  I think we—somebody give me a change-aluia, Brother Tucker.  Change-aluia.  We can do this.  Amen.

CARLSON:  Reverend Billy, you're halfway selling me.  But I'm not ready for the altar call, I have to say. 

TALEN:  That's a lot.  That's a lot. 

CARLSON:  Not ready to come up and be anointed with your oil. 

Regifting is ok?

BRUCE WEINSTEIN, “THE ETHICS GUY”:  It's not only not wrong, it's right to do.  Let's say that your producer gives you an electric spinning bow tie for Christmas. 

CARLSON:  Right. 

WEINSTEIN:  And you already have one. 

CARLSON:  That's what I said, I got one. 

WEINSTEIN:  So now if you get another one, it would be wrong to stick it in your drawer and not use it.  Your buddy George Will might benefit from it, might enjoy having it.  The right thing to do would be to give it to him. 

See, we have an ethical obligation not to be wasteful, so keeping a regifted item and not giving it to anyone else is wasteful; it's wrong. 


CARLSON:  Our favorite “Outsider,” Max Kellerman, is too busy cruising the Vegas strip to joining us for a year-end special edition, but when we come back, we'll take it to the Max with holiday treats ranging from Starbucking to man pursing.  Stay tuned.




CARLSON:  Welcome back.  As if there aren't enough people who disagree with me, we had to go out and hire one, and we did.  Max Kellerman, “The Outsider,” a man often immune to common sense but always dripping with charm.  Here are some of our favorite moments with Max. 


CARLSON:  You're dressing up like a girl if you carry a man purse.  You might as well be wearing panty hose or funny underwear.  It's creepy; it's wrong.  You carry a purse, you're not a man.  Period.

MAX KELLERMAN, ESPN RADIO:  More pop culture references here, but you know, Seinfeld in an episode where Seinfeld tried to get away tried to get away with it. 

Here's the argument for the man purse.  I actually have props.  You see all this stuff?  Look, I don't even have a wallet, Tucker.  I keep my cards in rubber bands. 


KELLERMAN:  And look at this.  With the keys and it's a Blackberry or Trio people have now, a pack of gum, a contact lens case.  You know, there's too much stuff.  I'm carrying around too much stuff.  My pants don't fit.  I mean, it just looks funny.  You need a place to put all your stuff.  Times have changed. 

CARLSON:  It does look funny, not half as funny, not an 8th of as funny, not a 100th of funny as a man purse.  And that's freakish.  Now look, either pare down your personal accessories, right, or let your pockets bulge.  Or how about buy a blazer. 

KELLERMAN:  You need your cards.  You need your keys.  You need your phone, right?

CARLSON:  Right. 

KELLERMAN:  You need some cash on you.  You don't want your breath to stink.  Right?  What if a contact dries?


KELLERMAN:  I mean, these are not stuff—I don't have any luxury items. 

CARLSON:  I would rather be blind and have bad breath than carry a man purse.  That's the bottom line, Max.  I'm never giving ground on this argument. 

KELLERMAN:  And ultimately that argument carries the day, Tucker. 

CARLSON:  I just don't want to get my religion or my philosophy or my humor or my music or anything else but coffee at Starbucks.  And Starbucks has set itself up as this kind of community of creative people.  You walk in Starbucks not just for a latte but to commune with other like-minded individuals. 

It's annoying, it's phony, and it's dishonest.  Leave me alone, give me my coffee and be quiet. 

KELLERMAN:  You're absolutely right.  Starbucks is not about drinking coffee.  First of all, they're not that good at making coffee. 


KELLERMAN:  It's all right.  You know, it's kind of very strong and caffeinated.  And everyone is addicted to it. 

But it's a comfortable place to sit where no one bothers you.  It's nice and air conditioned.  There's no pressure to buy stuff.  You can read the paper.  You can work on your computer.  You can sit down and just relax a little bit.   

And they've created this whole environmentally friendly kind of collegiate culture.  That's what's made it successful.  And this goes right along with that, Tucker. 

CARLSON:  How pathetic.  How pathetic.  You need to go to Starbucks to meet people, to play with your computer, to write free verse, to work on your interpretive dance routines?  I mean, come on.  Is there no other place to go but Starbucks?

You are so out of shape and cowardly, you need to taser a 13-year-old girl, you should not be in the police department.  And imagine this guy going home and telling his wife about this.  “You know, I had to deal with some bad guys tonight, dear.”  I mean, this is shameful.  This guy ought to retire from the force. 

KELLERMAN:  Well, let me ask you something.  I see you're taking very courageous positions here, because yesterday you forced me to defend the Japanese at Pearl Harbor. 


KELLERMAN:  Today, it's the police tasering a 13-year-old girl who weighs 90 pounds. 

CARLSON:  I'm indeed daring you to do it.  Yes.

KELLERMAN:  OK.  Here I go.  Are you ready?


KELLERMAN:  What leads to the kind of behavior—you know, she was scratching and kicking a deputy in the chest.  What leads to that kind of behavior?  Other than the combined influences of alcohol and Xanax and marijuana, really not the weed so much as the alcohol and Xanax.  They combine—they don't combine well. 

What gives someone a sense that it's OK to do that? You know what it is, Tucker? CARLSON:  What?

KELLERMAN:  “I am a 13-year-old girl.  You can't do anything to me.”  Oh, yes, actually, Missy, we can shoot an electric current through your body.  How do you like that?

You know this is coming.  I want a hug.

CARLSON:  It's great to hug your male relatives. 

KELLERMAN:  Can I have a hug?

CARLSON:  Not, actually.

KELLERMAN:  Give me one of these?  A little pound.

CARLSON:  It's great to—no touching on this set.  That's rule No. 1.  You know why?

KELLERMAN:  I like it. 

CARLSON:  I can't quite explain it, why.  But it's just wrong.  It's like anything.  It's like having your girlfriend pump the gas, right, or having her order off the menu for you.  It's hard to explain why it's wrong, but it is. 

KELLERMAN:  If you're Jewish or Italian, look, immediate family members, you kiss, male or female.  I see my brother, I give him a kiss hello or goodbye. 

CARLSON:  That's your brother. 

KELLERMAN:  My friend, I hug.  Now it's not a warm embrace.  It's a man hug, but we all know what a man hug is.  Sometimes you go in for the hand shake.  It turns into a thing.  You do the little tap shoulder, pat on the back.  That's a hug. 


KELLERMAN:  You're not making out with the guy, Tucker. 

CARLSON:  Here's the problem.  It's not that it's homoerotic or whatever.


CARLSON:   It's that it's sensitive.  Women actually don't like it when you're too sensitive. 

KELLERMAN:  Well, that's a very good reason not to hug men in the presence of women.  But I'm not—I think we're talking about two different things here.  We're not—look, let me just give you a hug while we're talking about it.  Just one of these, Tucker. 

CARLSON:  Not a chance. 

KELLERMAN:  You'll get credibility on the street. 

CARLSON:  When the—I will hug you when the cameras are off. 

KELLERMAN:  OK, fine. 


CARLSON:  Up next, whether it was a 100-pound woman devouring bratwurst, or a 10-year-old whiz kid throwing his dough around, we here at THE SITUATION did our best to whet your TV appetite.  Human oddities you might find hard to swallow when our yearend spectacular continues.


CARLSON:  Welcome back.  Your regular viewer of the show, you know “the situation” is like a good cup of coffee.  It starts out strong and gets richer and more pungent with every sip. 

We reserve the second half of our show for a segment we call “The Curious Situation.”  We're joined now by our producer, Vanessa McDonald, who's picked the best. 

VANESSA MCDONALD, PRODUCER:  Tucker, I've been up all night screening through this footage, and there's so many curious situations to choose from.  My favorite is Mikey, the chimp, and Sam, the world's ugliest dog.  Let's take a look. 


UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Happy island.  Go to it. 

CARLSON:  Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, the world speed eating champion, no one can eat brats faster.  There she is.  Second, she breaks it in half.  Stuffs it in. 

Turn up the audio a little bit?  There you go.  Notice the concentration.  Nothing is getting between her and the brat.  That is remarkable.  Well-timed sips, enough to lubricate, but not too much, not enough to fill her up. 

A lot of chewing involved, more than you would expect.  You would think given the shape of a brat, you could suck it down, but she doesn't.  She chews it.  That's legitimate eating, not just scarfing.  That's not inhaling.  She's eating those brats. 

Look at that, she doesn't slow down.  Breathing through her nose, of course.  Look at that.  That is incredible.  That is incredible.  I believe she's on her fourth brat, but the plate doesn't even look any smaller.  There's a grunt of satisfaction there. 

Yes, Sonya. 


CARLSON:  That's incredible.  I think I'd feel a little guilty if I asked you to keep going, but at that pace, I have no doubt you would be able to finish that plate like that.  You are incredible.  How do you feel?  Give me the after action report. 


MONICA CROWLEY, GUEST HOST:  Does Sam know he's a champion?  Does he know that he's a winner of this ugliest dog contest?


CROWLEY:  Has it affected his personality?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Not too bad.  He does...

CROWLEY:  He knows we are talking about him. 


He is really showing off tonight. 

(on camera) Would Sam ever consider cosmetic surgery?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:   Well, he could.  If you look at his neck here, it would be amazing ad, because this is the before.  Now watch.  Doesn't he look, like, a lot younger?

CROWLEY:  Much better. 

So Susie.  I have to ask you, does Sam have a girlfriend?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:  Well, he kind of has three.  He has a little harem at home.  Tater is one of them.  Tater is a two time ugliest mixed breed champion, but sometimes they have lovers' spats. 

CROWLEY:  I see them right there.  They're going at it right now.

So speaking of girlfriends, Susie, I understand that you actually—through Max, you actually found a—oh, my.  Susie, are you OK?

CARLSON:  She could not resist the opportunity to meet Mikey in person.  We're honored and humbled tonight.  We're joined live in the studio by Mike the chimp and his handler, Dr. Kim Hammond (ph). 

Dr. Hammond, thanks a lot for joining us.

DR. KIM HAMMOND, CHIMP TRAINER:  Underscore humble. 

CARLSON:  So the obvious question, is how many TV sets has Mike wrecked?

HAMMOND:  Several, and after tonight, probably two or three more. 

CARLSON:  When he's not—Mikey, buddy. 

HAMMOND:  Come home.  Come here. 

CARLSON:  When he's not wrecking sets, where does he live?  Can he live in a house?

HAMMOND:  You know, he's one of our—he's sort of an emissary for our naturism.  He travels around the country, sort of traveling around the country, speaking tours, and a lot of TV, a lot of movies, and commercials, things like that. 

CARLSON:  Really?

HAMMOND:  Yes.  You know, he'll show up at a function as sort of emblematic of what's going on, as far as the environment is concerned.  You know, we'll have discussions, ecological discussions based on encroaching environments and his loss of environment. 

You know, Tucker. 

CARLSON:  So wait, wait.  So when you're having the meeting, when you're discussing global warming or the melting polar ice caps, is Mikey at the conference table, like, eating the mints?

HAMMOND:  Right. 

CARLSON:  And sipping from the water?

HAMMOND:  Just doing his thing.  But you know, we need to be a little serious, too.  You know, these guys are going to disappear.  And in 50 years or so, you know, we're going to have half the population.  So we really have to sort of figure out ways to save the species and preserve the DNA. 

CARLSON:  Why?  Deforestation?

HAMMOND:  Deforestation, there's development.  There's pollution.  There's all sorts of things.  He likes you. 

CARLSON:  I like him. 



CARLSON:  Can they—can chimps—can chimps live in the United States?  I mean, is there any habitat here that's suitable for them?

HAMMOND:  No, they're too dangerous; they're too wild. 

CARLSON:  The enduring image I have of you was wearing a woman's wedding dress.  What do you think of the new NBA dress code?  You wouldn't meet the standards, by the way.  But what do you think of it?

DENNIS RODMAN, FORMER NBA STAR:  I don't think I meet the standards.  Just because, you know, I'm a very free spirit.  I'm very outgoing.  I'm elusive.  I just—I'll be dressing the way I want to dress. 

You know, as far as bling-bling, I don't wear bling-bling.  I just wear jewelry, like this kind of jewelry here.  I don't wear diamonds or nothing like that.  You know, I got five championship rings.  I've never even—I haven't seen my rings in five years.  Basically, I don't even wear any jewelry pretty much. 

CARLSON:  But what do you think of the way other players in the NBA dress?  Do you think it's fair to tell them they have to wear coat and ties and can't wear certain clothes?

RODMAN:  David Stern can shove it up his, you know, but I just think that he should set down with all the owners and told the owners to go back to the respectable teams, and tell your players, how do you want to dress?  Can we come to a compromise and agreement?  We're going to do certain things, you know, in the proper situation.  Instead of to say, OK, I'm going to write this amendment, and that's it. 

CARLSON:  This is Elvis the hamster, about to charge Peter Ashley's (ph) cell phone. 


CARLSON:  There he goes.  Getting situated there.  He's sniffing.  His last pre-wheel stretches.  All right, Elvis, get to it.  There he goes. 


CARLSON:  That wheel looks a little small, no offense to Elvis or anything.  Should it be bigger?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  It can be bigger, yes. 

CARLSON:  Looks a little snug. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Yes.  He's quite happy. 

CARLSON:  So he's essentially going on strike here.  OK.  All right.  Look at that. 

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  He'll do that four or five hours at least at night.  He enjoys his wheel, and basically when this is rotating, there's an axle here that comes to a gearing system inside.  And the gearing system then turns the turbine, which then creates—which then creates a current through this circuit board I've made, and out through the lead here, and up to the mobile phone, to charge it. 

CARLSON:  That is...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:  Electrons.  Electrons. 

CARLSON:  That is tremendous. 

Show me the most difficult pizza toss move.  That's amazing right there.  That's incredible.  Josh, I'm not even going to talk over your performance. 

You know, I think even the French judge is going to have you give you full point for that.  That's absolutely incredible.


CARLSON:  Coming up, we, recollect our close encounters with out of this world tales, and a few stray oddballs that landed on the “Cutting Room Floor” this year, proof once again that we never throw anything here on THE SITUATION.  You're want to wake up the kids. 


CARLSON:  Welcome back.  You know, even a serious news program needs a place for people to find the place of Jesus in their grilled cheese sandwiches, or even for truly bizarre stories like Tom and Katie. 

Well, THE SITUATION has such a place.  It's called “Cutting Room Floor.”  Wait.  There's Willie Geist now. 

WILLIE GEIST, PRODUCER:  Almost finished clearing your logs, Mr. Carlson. 

You know, folks, every day when I finish doing Tucker's household chores, I get to the important business of finding the strangest stories in the world.  And there are plenty of them every day. 

You remember Mikey the chimp from earlier in the show.  Then he was under the control of the trainer.  Here, Mikey unleashed. 


GEIST:  Sorry, Mikey.  Mikey is chilling over here.  Anyway, what were we talking about?

CARLSON:  I can't remember. 

GEIST:  Just go to the next story. 

CARLSON:  All right. 

GEIST:  Anyone have a tranquilizer dart?

CARLSON:  Yes.  We're having...

GEIST:  Mikey, Mikey, come here, buddy. 

CARLSON:  It's not a crisis yet. 

GEIST:  No.  He's busy. 

CARLSON:  Can I say something?  He's got an eye for that.  I agree with that. 

GEIST:  He's going to do some things around here and make an improvement.

CARLSON:  Even agitating for a new set, really, it took a chimp to come to prove our point. 

GEIST:  Well, they're so much like us. 

CARLSON:  You see, he's putting his fist right through those balsa wood walls.  Mikey, the chimp.  All right.  We can't improve on that, ladies and gentlemen. 

GEIST:  I wouldn't attempt to. 

CARLSON:  Ocelots tomorrow night.  Tune in.  Willie Geist. 

GEIST:  Tucker, you work well with animals, my friend. 

CARLSON:  Thank you. 

GEIST:  I'm used to it. 

CARLSON:  Well, there's an intoxicating situation flowing through the rivers of Italy right about now.  Scientists have discovered that the Po River in northern Italy is teeming with cocaine residue.

Researchers were Italian rivers and sewage systems for levels of a byproduct of cocaine use, and they were shocked at the amounts found in the Po Valley, which includes the city of Milan.  Scientists estimate there are about 40,000 doses of cocaine taken in the valley every single day. 

GEIST:  Wow.  That's a lot of blow, but this was not in the study.  It came in second only to the creek behind Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston's house.  And that—that was not included in the research.  It was implied, I think. 

CARLSON:  Well, rapper 50 Cent was just trying to give a little back when he returned to his native New York City and started handing out cash to neighborhood kids.  Instead, he mistakenly gave out a lot back. 

Fifty—that's right, that's how it's pronounced—who's my favorite player in the rap game right now, by the way, thought he'd given the kids $1,800.  Then he noticed their hysterical reaction, and realized he'd just dished out $18,000.  Let them keep the cash, of course. 

GEIST:  Decimal point here, decimal point there, he can afford it.  He's a very, very wealthy man. 

I know you had some concerns after 50 going pop on his follow-up to “Get Rich or Die Tryin'.”  Are you happy with “The Massacre”?  Are you happy with what he's done with “The Massacre,” stay true to his roots?

CARLSON:  Yes, I really am. 

GEIST:  I thought so.  I thought so. 

CARLSON:  Following his career assiduously, yes. 

Well, next time you and the Mrs. are sharing a delicious Italian wine, you might want to raise a glass to Mozart.  Some of Italy's best known wineries are playing classical music in their vineyards to inspire the grapes to grow faster and taste better.  Large speakers face the vines.  The music is played nonstop from dusk until dawn. 

GEIST:  And interestingly, Tucker, if you play 50 Cent, the grapes die in a drive-by shooting.  Terrible. 

And now I will, too.

CARLSON:  Badda bing.

Well, the town of Lajah (ph), Puerto Rico, was facing a monumental fiscal crisis right about now.  The mayor's solution, build a runway for UFO's, of course.  Makes sense. 

The idea was first hatched by a local man, who says he's been communicating with extraterrestrials since he was a child, and he's sure they would visit if they simply had someplace to land.  The $100,000 project is not particularly popular with hundreds of locals who are unemployed. 

GEIST:  Tucker, those whiners are so short sighted.  A UFO runway means jobs.  It's baggage handling; it's TSA agents.  The food court is going to need people. 

CARLSON:  Think big, Willie.  That's the lesson. 

Well, it is with heavy heart, I bring you the news, our dear friend, Sam, the ugliest dog in the world, has died.  Sam passed away last Friday after a long battle with heart disease and hideousness. 

He was a guest on the show in August, one of our best ever.  It's hard to say what we'll miss most about Sam: the hairless body, the horrifyingly crooked teeth, the eyes that seem to only belong to Satan himself.  Sam's owner said, “I don't think there will ever be another Sam.”  Some people would think that's a good thing. 

GEIST:  Tucker, we...

CARLSON:  Willie, I will be honest with you.  I love dogs.  I use this show often, frequently as a platform, to promote the dog agenda...

GEIST:  Yes.

CARLSON:  ... because I honestly do love them. 

GEIST:  You should.  Rightly so.

CARLSON:  I'm not sure you can call Sam a dog.  I mean, I know that...

GEIST:  He is a rat. 

CARLSON:  You're right.  You're right.

GEIST:  But you know, Sam was an ugly dog on the outside.  You know where he was beautiful?

CARLSON:  Where?

GEIST:  Right here. 

CARLSON:  Is that true?  Really?  I'm a little moved by that.  That's right.  So we're going to...

GEIST:  Fare thee well, Sammy. 


CARLSON:  That was one of many poignant moments on THE SITUATION 2005.  If you thought that was good, wait until 2006.  Happy new year.  See you then.



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