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Sex tour at the zoo

Jane Tollini, a guide at the San Francisco Zoo, tells The Situation's Tucker Carlson what people are likely to see on their sold-out Animal Sex Tours.
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Your parents may have taught you about the birds and the bees, but did anyone ever fill you in on the lions and the rhinos?  Didn‘t think so.  You can learn all about the sexual habits of animals, maybe pick up a few pointers in the process, on the San Francisco Zoo‘s sex tour.  The sold out tour is the hottest thing in the Bay Area. 

Jane Tollini is the creator and guide.  She calls hers the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down in the gutter tour ever created, and she‘s not joking.  She joined Tucker Carlson from San Francisco. 

TUCKER CARLSON:, HOST 'THE SITUATION':  Fisherman‘s Wharf, Lombard Street.  I‘m thinking of places tourists go in San Francisco.  If they go with you to the zoo on the animal sex tour, what do they learn?

JANE TOLLINI, CREATOR OF SAN FRANCISCO ZOO SEX TOUR: They learn things that—I tell them don‘t go home and try this at home.  That these stunts are done by professionals.  That you do not have a unit that has a daffodil on the end of it, a heat-seeking missile, that you do not come with the ability to swing by one finger while doing it.  Yes, you have to be a little careful. 

CARLSON:  Is that—and that‘s really true, the swinging by one finger?


CARLSON:  Does that actually happen?

TOLLINI:  There‘s lesser apes and orangutans that can have quite a swell swinging.  They‘re called the swingers. 

CARLSON:  That‘s incredible.  Now, when you take people on the tour, is there mating in progress?

TOLLINI:  Yes.  This year we actually saw tigers having their way with each other for quite some time.  Needless to say the train stopped there. 

But it‘s no guarantee.  I tell people, if you‘re coming on the tour to see animals do it, go home and do it yourselves.  We don‘t have the rhinos trained to “up, up.” 

CARLSON:  I guess what appeals to me about this is typically when you‘re at the zoo, say, with your kids and some of the animals behave like animals, essentially, you‘re embarrassed.  You turn away.  You pretend you didn‘t see.  On your tour, that‘s the whole point. 

TOLLINI:  Absolutely.  That accompanied by a lovely glass of champagne.

CARLSON:  Which animals have the most to teach us as human beings?

TOLLINI:  Oh, my lord, almost everybody.  I mean, the rhinos are the most violent.  They beat the hell out of each other before they get involved for an hour-long sexcapade.  Our chimpanzees...

CARLSON:  An hour long?  That‘s why they‘re endangered.

TOLLINI:  Over an hour.  Easily over an hour. 

CARLSON:  Boy, I mean, no offense to the rhinos, but how compelling can that be, if it takes an hour?

TOLLINI:  Well, she‘s kind of walking around, eating hey, drinking water, having a cigarette, while he‘s locked on her back.  So it‘s kind of up to him.  She‘s just moseying around.  But his thing is, like, large and daffodil shaped.  So once it‘s in, it‘s kind of like a bolt (ph).

CARLSON:  Let me ask you.  Speaking of—I‘m not even going go there, Jane. 


CARLSON:  Speaking of large, though, I want to ask the question on the mind of I think every viewer right now, and that is what about the elephants?

TOLLINI:  The elephant, it‘s like kind of having a trunk at the other end, except for this trunk can‘t pick up a dime.  It‘s pretty much a heat-seeking missile. 

CARLSON:  Can anyone get hurt?  I mean, do elephants ever hurt one other during this?

TOLLINI:  I would think that chances are the bull elephant would be in trouble from the matriarchal female who goes get the hell out of my herd, because it‘s a lady‘s herd. 

CARLSON:  When you were young, Jane, not to get too personal, but did you ever imagine you‘d grow up to lead sex tours at a zoo? 

TOLLINI:  Well...

CARLSON:  And what do your parents think?

TOLLINI:  My mother‘s so proud that I talk filthy about animals to complete strangers.  But I‘ve had 14, 16 years of all-girls Catholic school.  What else would I do, become a nun?

CARLSON:  That‘s—when you were young, did you go to the zoo?  Did you have an unhealthy interest in the mating habits of caged animals?

TOLLINI:  I did go to the zoo.  I‘m a native San Franciscan.  I‘ve been going there since 1947, but I don‘t know if it was an unhealthy.  I think it was curiosity.  It piqued my curiosity.

CARLSON:  I don‘t mean—I‘m sorry.  I don‘t mean to judge you.  Heard the judgment sneak in my voice.  You called me on it.  I‘m apologizing. 

Finally, the penguins.


CARLSON:  When they‘re not marching, what are they doing?

TOLLINI:  When they‘re not marching, they have an entire month of foreplay before they get down to serious love.  A month‘s worth.

CARLSON:  An entire month?  That sounds like hell. 

TOLLINI:  Oh, no.  It‘s called decorating and...

CARLSON:  That‘s a bit too much, Jane.  That‘s too much. 

TOLLINI:  Not if you‘re really into it. 


TOLLINI:  When you lay the eggs, you‘re still fine.

CARLSON:  You know, I don‘t even need to encourage our visitors to go to your tour in San Francisco, because I know they‘re already signing onto your web site right now.  Jane Tollini, leading sex tours at the San Francisco Zoo, joining us tonight live.  Thanks, Jane.