Every once in a while, a product comes along that is so cunningly conceived and so flawlessly executed that the only proper response is reverent awe.
The ThighMaster comes to mind. So do the novels of Dan Brown. And here's the Wonder Bar, a chocolate treat in pink-and-white packaging sold by a New Jersey company called Ecco Bella.
This 1.75-ounce slab of genius was on display this week at the Fancy Food Show, a massive expo for companies selling the tasty victuals that wind up on the shelves of specialty stores around the world. There was row upon row of artisanal cheese, exotic meats, jams, breads, flavored water, cookies and something billed as non-dessert cheesecake. One company was promoting a bone-shaped breath mint for people who want to snuggle with their dogs. (Yes. For people.) There were about 160,000 items at the show, which is geared to retailers and distributors.
All of it seemed positively ho-hum compared with the Wonder Bar. Are you sitting?
It's chocolate that is specially formulated to help women alleviate the symptoms of PMS. Would you like a moment to process that?
It's a hunk of chocolate, designed specifically to alleviate the effects of premenstrual syndrome. (More than, say, a Snickers bar already does.) The irritability, the anxiety, the moodiness — all of it is allegedly soothed by the Wonder Bar, at $3.69 a pop. As it says on the wrapper, "Take sweet revenge on PMS, menopause and everyday cravings with this delicious Swiss chocolate, rose oil, herbs and soy."
If there's another packaged food product out there marketed for its impact on PMS, it's well hidden. A Web search turned up nothing.
Your first reaction to the Wonder Bar is probably something like, "Now, that is a great idea." Among women, that might be the second and third reaction, too. But fellas, mull this one for a moment. Think about the concept of craving. Now consider a rather different concept: impunity.
Are you starting to see the terrible genius here?
You will after we call Adrienna Kramer, Ecco Bella's general manager. Let's get straight to the point, shall we?
It's pretty clear that what you've created here is a candy bar that gives women license to pig out to their hearts' content.
"Oh, I wouldn't go there at all," Kramer says, in the trilling tone of a true believer. "The Wonder Bar is incredibly high-quality Swiss chocolate, and you don't need to eat much in order to feel satisfied and full."
Watch yourselves, men
Right. But here's the thing. If your wife or your girlfriend is on her fifth bar of the day and gobbling her way to a couple saddlebags' worth of extra poundage, she can say, "Honey, I'm doing this for you. Either I eat another Wonder Bar or I berate you irrationally and then burst into tears. Take your pick."
Checkmate! A man will have no choice but to sit back and gawk in horror as the little missus turns into a Greyhound bus.
"It's nothing like that," says Kramer, without a pause. "You won't find women sitting down and eating fistfuls of Wonder Bars." She adds: "You don't gain weight from eating chocolate. You gain weight from eating too much fat and junk food."
This is true. And maybe it's a little ... uh, unseemly for men to nitpick anything that brings relief to women suffering with PMS. You can hear the ladies now: Dudes, go score us a few cartons of Wonder Bars and shut your yaps.
And this exact conversation, or variations, may have already taken place a few thousand times, all over the country. According to Kramer, the Wonder Bar is a hit, selling millions since its launch in 2004, in chains such as Whole Foods and Wild Oats.
The concept, which is explained on the inside of the wrapper, is that the Wonder Bar is filled with PMS-fighting ingredients, including pure soy powder, flaxseed and something called Chaste Tree Berry. The latter, we are informed, "was shown to balance hormones." The soy and flaxseed contain "phytoestrogens," which according to the wrapper are similar to human estrogen and help balance hormones, "and thus help relieve the symptoms of PMS and menopause."
Doctors skeptical
Kramer emphasizes that the Wonder Bar isn't touted as a cure-all. Which is wise, because it isn't hard to find doctors who are pretty skeptical that a woman with PMS can snack her way to peace of mind. Chaste Tree Berry has never been proved to work against PMS or menopause in any scientific study, says Edward Lichten, a gynecologist based in Birmingham, Mich., with 35 years of experience. And he adds that while ingredients like soy have been shown to help, you'd need to consume a whole lot of it before you felt any positive effects.
For his patients with PMS, Lichten prescribes a salt pill, which, he says, helps with one of the underlying causes of PMS. "It's not as much fun as eating chocolate," he says, "but it actually works."
Beer for baldness?
So maybe this is really about fun instead of good health. Nothing wrong with fun, right? But if Ecco Bella is going to sell a delicacy that lets women indulge a craving and fob it off as a benefit to themselves and their mates, why not do the same for men?
How about, for instance, marketing a beer that supposedly fights baldness?
"Okay, I don't know what to do with that," says Kramer, laughing.
Hmmm. How about a cigar that allegedly freshens the breath and makes you pick up the underwear on the floor?
"I appreciate where you're trying to go with this, but I don't seem to have anything I can respond to with these things."
How does the Wonder Bar taste? Well, it's dark chocolate with just enough medicinal flavor to make you think that it's good for you. No guy will trade in his Chunky for one of these things. But judging from the reaction at the Ecco Bella booth on Tuesday, brace yourself for some terrible news, lads:
The ladies think it's delicious.