Returning to Ground Zero five years after covering the attacks was a moving experience for me. Heading downtown on Monday for the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks brought back memories I would have rather forgotten, but unfortunately will be stuck with forever.
I will never forget the sight of Tower Two crumbling before my eyes or of people holding photos of their loved ones praying you might have seen them. The scene on that day was unimaginable. Lower Manhattan was a complete wasteland of soot and debris. It was hard to see, harder to breathe and you couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen next. I was lucky enough not to have lost a friend or family member. So many others were not as fortunate.
When you're a journalist you expect to encounter difficult stories, but this was different. This wasn't a war in a far away place. This was my backyard, literally. I lived in New York City during the attack and still do. I couldn't help but feel anger and the obvious sadness knowing how many people were lost. I remember the first time I had a chance to run into a restroom and look in the mirror. I was covered in dust and just thought to myself, "What has happened?"
One of the first people I ran into at ground zero on 9/11 was a man from England who was in a helpless daze. I asked him if there was anything I can do to help. "Please," he said, "does your phone work? I just want to ring my wife and let her know I'm alive."
The rest of the day seemed like it went on forever. As day turned to night the sky was lit up by the lights of the rescue workers in a frantic search for survivors. More despondent family members turned up with photos and pleas to show their loved ones pictures to the press. It was emotionally exhausting. There is a fine line between covering a story and being part of it. There is no journalist who was simply covering a story that day. We were all part of it.
In the weeks and months that followed the world slowly crept back to its normal pace, but for the people who lived through the attacks things would never be the same. Husbands and wives were gone. Children were left without parents and sons and daughters would never return home.
Five years later the feelings are still raw. You could feel it this week. Watching the re-played television coverage made me shiver. The tears that flowed at the ground zero ceremonies on Monday made you feel like it was happening all over again. Anniversaries can be cathartic, but they can also stir up emotions. I think both things occurred yesterday. I spoke with the men and women who were there to mourn, the families that came back to the place where their loved ones died. I saw the members of the NYPD and the FDNY in their dress uniforms there to remember their own. I have grown particularly fond of both organizations since 9/11. There is a FDNY house in my neighborhood and they lost several men. The firehouse became a local shrine for months after the attacks. It's still hard to believe it's been five years. For me the day is sort of like a constant instant replay that just repeats over and over.
As I walked the streets of lower Manhattan a year after the attacks, I was struck by the brilliant sunshine and blue sky that mirrored that day five years ago. What began as a beautiful morning would turn into one of our darkest days.
Last summer I covered Hurricane Katrina and witnessed another tragedy. It was another example of how humanity takes over when disaster strikes. The level of loss was catastrophic, but what gave me hope was seeing the NYPD and FDNY patrolling the streets of New Orleans. What were they doing? Simple. Returning the favor.
A lot of people say that 9/11 put things in perspective. I hope that's true. It did for me.
Five years later I can't say I'm the same person I was on September 10, 2001. I've changed. The world has changed. Living in Manhattan has returned to a relatively normal state. There is still an air of caution when I'm on a subway or in a crowded area, but you have to live your life. We wait longer at airports and endure bag searches at ball games. Somehow this all seems like a fair price to pay if we can avoid another 9/11 or anything close.
Sometimes I wish we could turn the clock back. I wish we could start that beautiful morning over again and never have had this happen. We can't do that of course. But we can remember how lucky we are to be here five years later and never forget what happened five years ago.
Steve Shapiro is a producer with MSNBC who worked at Ground Zero on September 11, 2001.