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Third-party candidates take to the Web

What Third Party candidates lack in funds, MySpace friends and a snow ball’s chance in Hades, they more than make up for in heart on their MySpace profiles. Well, not really.
/ Source: contributors

What Third Party candidates lack in funds, MySpace friends and a snow ball’s chance in Hades, they more than make up for in heart on their MySpace profiles. Well, not really.

You’re welcome to vote for a third party candidate, but as “Simpsons” space alien Kang quipped “Go ahead, throw your vote away!”

Still, from the Green Party and the Libertarians to the Vampires, Witches, and Pagan Party, outside candidates understand the importance of a good MySpace profile, even if they don’t all manage to make one. 

Part III: Third party candidates

"Until We're Free"
Age: 64
Star sign: Pisces
Friend count: 348
Comments: 72

Best comment: “Happy Belated Birthday Queen Mama!” – Nappy Logic

Interests: Just music (Trick Daddy, Van Cliburn) and heroes (Fannie Lou Hamer).

Other social network memberships:

Former Black Panther Party leader and prison reform activist Elaine Brown has a lot of smart, important things to say on her MySpace profile. Unfortunately, the black background and red and blue text in fluctuating font sizes makes it fairly difficult to read. A writer and musician to boot, this Renaissance woman wrote and sings her campaign theme song, “The End of Silence,” which loads with the page.

Helen: Elaine’s profile projects the call-to-action energy lacking in flack-generated pages of the Dems and Republicans. However, this page isn’t so much a presidency bid as it is about prison reform. Still, there’s lots of information here, as well as her music, making Elaine’s profile worth a visit. But beware of retina burnout.

Ree: Scroll past Elaine’s empty, wasted blog section and you’ll find this title-cased declaration: “Vicious Rumor mongering Will Not Deter Me from My Campaign for the Green Party Presidential Nomination.” What rumor mongering? I knew nothing of this rumor mongering until she mentioned it. If she’s going to bring it up, she needs to spill the beans. Now I want to go Google it and learn more. It’s all I can think about!


"George Phillies, Libertarian Candidate for President"
Age: 59
Star sign: Leo
Friend count: 791 (Including “Jack Tripper, and Green Day!)
Comments: 57

Best comment: “Thanks for the add!” – Mike Gravel 

Interests: Books: (“I’ve written eight … ) and heroes (Josiah Willard Gibbs)

Other social network memberships:
Yahoo Groups

This free MySpace page, with its default layout with obligatory American flag graphics, was “paid for by Phillies 2008.” In yet another blatant abuse of the “interest” fields, George includes videos, debate audios and a plug for his books. The site previously featured a lively a cappella Libertarian anthem, “Get Out.” But last time we checked, it was “deleted by the artist.”

Helen: What’s with George’s Grandpa glamour shot? The big plastic glasses are endearing, but the off-white windbreaker is too much. Put on a tie for criminy’s sake! You’re running for president!

Ree: Under the “children” field he’s written “someday.” Dude! You’re 59! And you ain’t no Tony Randall. Further, the only personal tidbit we get is his hero, Josiah Willard Gibbs, a theoretical physicist and chemist. George is out for the brainiac vote.


"Let Freedom Grow!"
Age: 60
Star sign: Capricorn
Friend count: 4,564
Comments: 168

Best comment: Tokin’, drinkin’ pot leaf graphic that says: “Just stopped by to say high” -- Rev. Cannabis Connoisseur

Interests: Books about pot.

Other social network memberships:

Possibly even more garish than Elaine Brown’s MySpace page, Steve Kubby’s profile also suffers from an intense background (this one blue) and a non-sequiturous array of changing font sizes and colors. Seriously, stare at this site for one minute and look away. You’ll still be seeing it three days later. Bob Marley’s “One Love” loads with the site.

Helen: Dang, who built this site? Jeff Spicoli? P.S. Steve’s “Daily Show” clip is totally handicammed straight from the TV screen, bootleg-movie style.

Ree: Steve’s statement that, “This is no more about marijuana than the Boston Tea Party was about tea” is somewhat compromised by the photo of a big hairy bud that follows it. Not to mention that photo of Steve in the universally understood “take a toke” pose. And the Bob Marley music. You know, I’m beginning to suspect this is entirely about pot.


"I govern for the American working man because thats what i am and thats who i care about."
Age: 18
Star sign: Capricorn
Friend count: 1 (Just lonely Default Tom)
Comments: 0

Best comment: N/A

Interests: His presidential outline, campaign videos.

Other social network memberships:

This profile’s dark background features a seriously creepy eagle head that scrolls with the page – its angry eye glaring at you from beneath the every text box. This make’s Bob’s neatly stacked word blocks difficult to read – both visually and metaphorically.

Helen: Bob lists his age as “18,” yet in his “About me” section, he states that he is a 20-year veteran Public Servant, Critical Care Paramedic, Instructor & Executive EMS Director. Either he doesn’t quite grasp how to fill out a MySpace profile (a common candidate trait found in every political affiliation) or he started working two years prior to birth (which is really impressive).

Ree: OK, we’ve seen plenty of flack blurbs in the third person, but who’s writing this guy’s stuff? His mom? He clearly doesn’t have campaign staff or an exploratory committee. He also states that “Change is one vote away.” Who is that one vote, Default Tom?

"Root for America 2008"
Age: 43
Star sign: Cancer
Friend count: 64
Comments: 4

Best comment: We don’t know as we can’t read them.

Interests: None listed.

Other social network memberships:

Perhaps misunderstanding the statement, “transparent candidate," Wayne Allen Root’s profile challenges the optical nerve of the American with an image of Old Glory bleeding over his entire content. This includes portrait, videos and red text boxes with white font.

Helen: Is it me, or does this dude look just like Marjoe Gortner?

Ree: All I know is that Wayne’s “W.A.R. Story” (get it?) states that he is not only “the most prolific and recognized sports oddsmaker/prognosticator in American television history,” he “has morphed into high profile CEO and entrepreneur, self-made millionaire, best-selling author, TV celebrity, and Libertarian Presidential candidate.” With all that juice, why not hook up a better MySpace profile?

Age: 46
Star signs: Libra
Friend count: 232 (including Default Tom)
Comments: 64

Best comment: “Don't forget to join me this week... Make sure you check out my NEW PICS and SEXY OUTFIT on my webcam... its free so dont worry... (Just verify you age)” – Lily.

Interests: None listed.

Other social network memberships:

With its white background and default template, Mark B. Graham’s profile is as sparse as his photo – a long shot of the candidate sitting in at a kitchen table wearing tinted glasses and a very healthy moustache. There’s a spot for two videos, which don’t load, and all his comments are spam. On the plus side, Mark writes his own blog (though rarely updates it). The Kingston Trio’s version of “This Land is Your Land,” loads with the page.

Helen: Mark is one of several candidates who lists his occupation as “running for president.” Hmmm … I wonder how much that pays. Still, this guy seems earnest and genuine. In his “Who I’d like to meet” section, he writes: “I would like to meet every person that I can in the United States and talk to them.” I think that’s swell.

Ree: Yeah, he seems like a nice enough guy, but I find the cop shades and porn ‘stache disconcerting. Mark looks like the type to try to sell me something from the trunk of his car. And then maybe throw me in it. Not exactly a presidential vibe.


"Put a Square in the Oval Office"
Age: 43
Star sign: Libra
Friend count: 1 (Default Tom will support you when no one else will!
Comments: 0
Best comment: N/A

Interests: blah blah blah

Other social network memberships:

If this Oliver Peebles-glasses-wearin’, David Sedaris-readin’- “Gray’s Anatomy”-watchin’, classic rock, folk and some country-listenin’ self-proclaimed “average joe” bothered to put as much ego into his MySpace profile as he did his Steve Kissing for President of the United States Web site, maybe we’d have something to talk about. Plus, his last login was April 25, 2007! Meanwhile, you can apply to be his running mate from his main sight, but you probably aren’t cool enough to vote for him.  

Helen: You’re in Cincinnati, Steve? Really? Shouldn’t you live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? No wait, Philadelphia – that’s where all the cool kids are now! And what, no van dyke beard? Dang. Just lookin’ at this guy I can tell that he really wants to spill about that time he saw the Replacements. You know, before they sold out.

Ree: Steve’s the Midwest metrosexual you see on Nerve Personals and run away from. That’s self-satisfied grin he’s sporting on his campaign landing page says it all. But you know where he really lost me? In the “movies” section, he adds, “I don’t do sci-fi.” Well, Steve, sci-fi wouldn’t do you either.


"Mr. Lanakila Washington - 2008 Presidential Candidate"
Age: 45
Star sign: Gemini
Friend count: 47
Comments: 13

Best comments: “Sup Washington! Guess who got FOUR sag waivers?????? ME!, and they said it couldn't be done, yup! Now all I need is $1, 520 to join. That's going to be a lot of background jobs, lol.” -- Billy

Interests: Lots! Varied and interesting.

Other social network memberships:

Lanakila Washington went with the basic white template, but utilized several MySpace functions, including a video library, a pan-and-scan photo gallery, and a killer campaign theme, “President Washington” by Spoken Word House, that loads with the page. He also (correctly) included his “interests” in the proper fields, though his only blog entry features a campaign video. 

Helen: This profile does an excellent job of showcasing Lanakila’s love of community and respect for history, something the two-party flacks have yet to grasp. I also dig his emerald-cut glamour shot in his senior prom tux. And check out his photo gallery – even when those around him are in sports coats, Lanakila’s still rockin’ the tux!

Ree: If he didn’t already have me with that awesome song (and he totally did) then the inclusion of the women in family on his heroes list sealed the deal. What’s not to like here? I was going to go on that hot “Charm the Model” kid on his friend list, but when I went to Charm’s page, I noticed he’s only 17. Now I feel dirty. And old.


Age: 43
Star sign: Aries
Friend count: 48,090

Comments: 3,309 (BEWARE MORTALS: Don’t click on Jonathan’s comment section — no matter how tiny the bikini! Mostly spams and phishing scams!)

Best comment: “perhaps you are the best man for the job, however i would like to encourage all people to write in their own names” — KB

Interests: Apparently, he really enjoyed “Titanic.” He’s a complicated vampire.

Other social network memberships:

While red text boxes on a generic flag template mean MySpace minus points for most candidates, here it is forgiven. Dude’s a vampire! Red is pretty much obligatory. Check out his pics section for photos of Vald hanging with Jeb Bush and Miss American 2006. Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” loads with the page.

Helen: The Bon Jovi song selection tells voters that while this Prince of Darkness may be a vampire, satanist and hecate witch,” he is first and foremost a New Jersian! And frankly, I’m a little shocked that Jonathan lost his gubernatorial bid. Even a blood-sucking fiend is bound to be less corrupt then most New Jersey politicos.

Ree: Hmmm…43 seems pretty young for a vampire, let alone a president. Still, the people are behind him. Jonathan “has more friends than any of the MySpace profiles, even McCain! Could be the mad vampire hypnotic skills, an evil spell, or maybe we should just give him props for his “About me” plea: “AM ASKING FOR EVERYONE TO PLEASE FORGET ABOUT MY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. YES I AM A SATANIC VAMPYRE, AND A HECATE WITCH....... THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM RUNNING ON.” Family values and blood of the innocent, that’s his platform.