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The Officially Not-Unofficial Rob Bartlett Page

Rob Bartlett gives advice to the lovelorn, fix it tips, recipes, and much more.
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Ask Rob:

Rob Bartlett will now give advice to the lovelorn, fix it tips, recipes, and any other information you request. We will post these Q&As.(that stands for questions and answers) on this very page.

To ask a question, simply E-MAIL:






Just Wondering in Burlington, NC asked: Dear Robio, How many Imus fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Rob answered:Usually just two, but they have to be REALLY tiny.

Pat asked: Could you please tell me who sings the song Hey Baby, used as a bumper in the last 3 or 4 weeks? Thanks

Rob answered:

Bruce Chanel. Harmonica by Delbert McClinton, as taught by John Lennon

Someone asked: Who wore the $1million dress to the Oscars, as promoted on the TODAY Show just prior to the Oscars? Thanks

Rob answered:

Sid Rosenberg.

Ken asked: On occasion, you use a segment of the song Cara Mia as a way to introduce Imus. Please tell me the name of the singer. Thank you very much.

Rob answered:

Dear Ken, First of all, I don’t use anything. It’s not my show. It’s Imus’ show. And it’s Cara Mia by Jay and the Americans. And they don’t use it to introduce Imus either.

Jim Greene from SF asked: Dear Rob: I recently saw your act and you really suck. Oh yeah, I forgot, I’m supposed to ask a question. Did you know that I recently saw your act and you really suck?

Rob answered:

Dear Jim, I saw you suck and you really act. Oh yeah, I forgot I was supposed to answer a question. Yes, I know you act. And yes, you do suck. Rob Bartlett, Never Been In San Fransisco

Someone asked: Rob.You are very funny.Kind of like “Click and Clack”,but without the clack.I got my sense of humor from serving with the Seals in the jungles of Vietnam.What school did you go to?

Rob answered:

I studied in the oceans of Brooklyn, with the Manatees. Thanks for your kind words. I always thought of myself like ‘Frick and Frack’ but without the Frick.

Jim Greene from SF asked: Dear Rob: Is Frank W. Sailor still alive?

Rob answered:

Dear Jim, I’m not sure. I know John Q. Marine is. And Steve J. Soldier. Dick P. Seaman

Someone asked: Why is Dr, Green leaving ER. Thank You

Rob answered:

He couldn’t heal his ailing ego, despite the huge dosages of money administered daily. There’s really no cure for the disease the symptoms of which manifest themselves as leaving an easy, high paying, high profile job for no apparent reason. It’s called mental illness. You’re welcome.

J. Dale asked:

Hey Rob, Speaking of Curt Gowdy. Is it me or does he read better than he talks? Maybe he’s just intimidated by Costas’ brilliance!

Rob answered:

Dear J. Speaking of Dick Schaap, I’d say Bob Costas probably whistles better than he speaks, and drools spit bubbles better than he reads. Tim McC

A Curious Billyus asked: Dear Rob, My question is in two parts. Part 1. What is the derivative of the term “Hot dam!” ?? Part 2. What is the derivative of the term “derivative” ??

Rob answered:

Dear Inquisitive William, I give you my answer in three parts: 1-The Hoover, during the vernal equinox, increases in temperature by 3 degrees celsius. A phenomenon which led the first workers who discovered it to exclaim the obvious. 2-It’s an offshoot of outgrowth. 3-PLEASE GET A LIFE. AnswerBoy Robert

Dan McNulty asked: Rob: When Imus’s son gets sick...does Wyatt Earp? Thanks

Rob answered:

Dan, Yes. And the son dance, kid. B.Cassidy

Beth asked: what is the mean, median, mode and range in math? thank you,

Rob answered:

Beth, Not sure of the meaning of your mean, median mode and range question, as I was never that good in Math. I’ve put my car up on the median a few times, when I’ve been out of range, but I mean, it’s never made me mean. If you get my meaning. I.N. Stein

Me asked: Rob, How many times a week do you wish you could kick the shit out of Imus? Seems like it should be many.. :) Enjoy your work..

Rob answered:

Dear You, Contrary to public opinion, the number is actually a lot lower than you’d expect. kicking would require too much physical effort on my part, therefore, I prefer a simpler, quieter, less stressful solution. Cattleprod.

Keen asked: I am so sick and tired of Imus being so sick and tired all the time! Any ideas on how he can improve his health?

Rob answered:

Keen, Two words: Youth and Asia. Dr. kevorkian

Brian asked: Rob, Why haven’t you done anything to fix the hateful relationship between Christy and Laurie (or is it Christi and Lori? or Kristi and Lorry? or Kristy and Lory? or Christy and Lorri - YOU KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT!!!) Gotta go to the camode,

Rob answered:

Brian, I’ve done all I can, but I’m not exactly Boutros, Boutros, Fatty here. Besides, like every other self-respecting middle aged male, I love a good cat fight. robio


Rob answered:

Yes, however, it’ll be more of a midwest tour, as this spring he’ll be opening for Cheap Trick in Mahnomen MN, DePere, WI, and Harris MI.

Mike asked: Rob, When reading through the “Ask Rob” responses, do you find them as unfunny as I do? Thanks

Rob answered:

Mike, Yes, but not quite as unfunny as the questions themselves. You’re welcome. Rob

Rob Bartlett’s Amazing, Little Known, Unconfirmed Facts

Rob Bartlett is nothing if not an abudant source of useless knowledge.

The following is a list of little known, unattested bits of meaningless,

unusable information that he has gathered over the years, submitted here

for your amusement and approval.

Did you know that....

Rubbing raw liver on your head will cure the hiccups.

There are only four letters in the word “five”.

Brown bears will not drink wine coolers.

It is physically impossible to sneeze and speak Esperanto at the same time.

Nowhere, in any of Shakespeare’s works, is the word “velcro” used.

A hummingbird beats it’s wings 350 times per second; it’s rugs only once a year.

When brewed as a tea, back hair can be used as an aphrodisiac.

There is a small Aboriginal Tribe in the Australian Outback who

worship an 8x10 headshot of Jerry Van Dyke.

The last words of Catherine the Great were ‘Whoa, big fella.’

You are twelve times more likely to procure a mortgage during the Vernal Equinox.

The only thing roaches will not eat is Thai food.

When seated in the Oval Office, Abraham Lincoln always kept a small Rainbow Trout in his pants.

A child born with a full head of red hair will eventually visit Cleveland.

A cat thrown from a speeding car will always land on it’s feet, unless

it slams into a wall first.

Potatoes can be used to power small diesel engines.

The Wright Brothers were left handed.

When sung backwards, the Latvian National Anthem sounds a little

like “Surrey With The Fringe On Top”.

A Three Toed Sloth has three toes on each foot, actually making it a Six Toed Sloth.

When placed end to end, the number of cigarettes smoked in the

city of Atlanta per year will almost completely circumnavigate Rosie O’Donnel’s ass.

Elephants cannot perceive the color brown.

In Farsi, there is no word for the number 17.

Two trains on separate tracks, leaving the same station at

the same time, one going east at 40 miles per hour and one

going west at 30 miles per hour, will never collide.

Chocolate Pudding can be used to remove the smell of gasoline from your hands.

Ducks cannot whistle.

You cannot play a harmonica when standing on the surface of the moon,

If stranded on a desert island, a person could survive indefinitely on

peanut butter and vaseline.

If you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters in the same

room and left them alone for a thousand years, eventually, one of

them will complain about the smell.

In half the time it took you to read this, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote his first name.