Hello, and God bless America. This is Elliot calling on behalf of Home of Liberty Inc., America’s first name in aluminum siding! As you may know, there has been a concerted effort by a dangerous, well-funded minority to keep outstanding companies like Home of Liberty Inc. from speaking out on the issues of exterior home maintenance. Thanks to a recent ruling by the federal judiciary, we can now offer you a 20 percent discount on siding, windows, and roof repair. Am I talking to the owner of the house?
InsertArt(2025122)UH-HUH. But we don’t want any aluminum siding.
Say it loud, Sister! Speak the truth, and don’t be afraid anymore. By the way, this phone call may be monitored for quality assurance. At Home of Liberty Inc., we believe it’s your inalienable right to express yourself. And just as the U.S. Constitution provides the framework to our free society, so does a weather-tight exterior provide the protection to a free household. And, speaking of free, that’s what Home of Liberty Inc. is offering: a free home siding and windows inspection.
But we’re in the middle our meal and …
Great. Since the days of the American pioneers, there’s been no greater free speech forum than the family dinner table. If we can’t express our views here, in the intimacy of our own kitchen, then the dangerous few phone-number list-makers out there who would undermine the U.S. Bill of Rights truly will have won. We must not let that happen. When was the last time your siding was inspected?
I don’t know. But we don’t want aluminum siding.
Neither did Thomas Jefferson or Ben Franklin or any of the other Founding Fathers. Then again, none of those great Americans ever had the opportunity that you now have — to have a trained Home of Liberty Inc. expert visit your place of residence and save you money on siding repairs. Countless Americans have given their lives to protect the First Amendment so that this incredible offer can be brought directly to your home tonight. Please, don’t let them think you were afraid to speak out. Have you ever tried aluminum siding?
I don’t want aluminum siding!
Certainly. And never forget that without Home of Liberty Inc., you could not be in a position to make such a bold statement this evening. In fact, as you may know, under the auspices of the U.S.A. Patriot Act, certain organizations could come to your home and inspect your siding with or without your approval. In certain situations, relating to your background, they could even do it without your knowledge. Of course, we at Home of Liberty Inc. would never do that. Regardless of your personal background, we want to let you know exactly who we are and exactly when we’re coming. So when shall we stop by?
Uh ... I don’t ... next week maybe? But I don’t want siding.
Of course. And don’t worry about a thing. With Home of Liberty Inc., you have the right to remain silent, and you have the right to an attorney. In fact, you don’t have to answer any more questions about siding. But as long as we’re coming to your neighborhood next week, it would help if we had the names and phone numbers of at least two neighbors. Will you give them the opportunity that America has given you? Will you stand up and be counted?
Hart Seely writes for the Syracuse Post-Standard newspaper. He is co-author of “2007-Eleven and Other American Comedies.”