Chrissy Teigen revealed Wednesday that she's struggling after ending up in what she's calling the "cancel club" following bullying accusations against her in June.
"Cancel club is a fascinating thing and I have learned a whollllle lot. Only a few understand it and it’s impossible to know til you’re in it," Teigen wrote on Instagram, with a photo of her lounging legs in loose jeans.
"And it’s hard to talk about it in that sense because obviously you sound whiney when you’ve clearly done something wrong. It just sucks. There is no winning. But there never is here anyhow," the model and cookbook author added.
Teigen, who has been posting photos from a family trip to Italy, wrote that going outside "sucks and doesn’t feel right," but "being at home alone with my mind makes my depressed head race."
"I feel lost and need to find my place again,I need to snap out of this, I desperately wanna communicate with you guys instead of pretending everything is okay. I’m not used to any other way!!" she said.
Teigen, 35, posted a lengthy apology to Medium last month after Courtney Stodden, who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, described cruel tweets and direct messages they received from Teigen when they were a teenager. Stodden's disclosure came during a May interview with The Daily Beast.
Stodden, who at 16 wed Doug Hutchison, a then-51-year-old acting coach, said Teigen sent messages telling them to take "a dirt nap."
"She wouldn't just publicly tweet about wanting me to take 'a dirt nap' but would privately DM me and tell me to kill myself," Stodden said. "Things like, 'I can't wait for you to die.'"
Teigen acknowledged in her apology that she had bullied other people, describing herself as a troll.
Believing she was making harmless quips, Teigen said she continued sending crude tweets at celebrities, thinking it "made me cool" and was eager to join a "pop culture pile-on."
"Why did I think there was some invisible psycho-celebrity formula that prevents anyone with more followers from experiencing pain? How did I not realize my words were cruel? What gave me the right to say these things?" she wrote.
Teigen said in her post that she had publicly apologized to one person and was in the process of privately contacting others she had hurt.
Farrah Abraham, one of the former teen mothers featured on the MTV shows "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom," later wrote in her own Medium post that she was one of the people publicly bullied by Teigen.
Fashion designer Michael Costello also posted apparent screenshots of 2014 attacks from Teigen. But Teigen and her husband, John Legend, said the screenshots of a direct message exchange were fabricated.
Insider found that a missing blue verification check mark, different background colors and a video chat icon that wouldn't have been there in 2014 proved the screenshots were fake.
Macy's removed Teigen's cookware line from its website following the backlash.
And Teigen dropped out of a voice role for Netflix teen series "Never Have I Ever." Model Gigi Hadid filled the spot, according to reports and tweets from Hadid and Netflix on Thursday as the second season premiered.
Teigen concluded her Instagram post by saying she needed "an honest moment" with her 35 million followers.
"I’m just...tired of being sick with myself all day. I don’t even know if it’s good to say any of this because it’s gonna get brutally picked apart but I dunno. I can’t do this silent s--- anymore!" she wrote. "If you or someone you know has also been cancelled please let me know if there is a cancel club reunion because I could use some time off my couch!"