Allison Mack offered a series of apologies in her statement to the federal judge who will decide her fate on June 30 when she is set to be sentenced after pleading guilty to racketeering and conspiracy charges in connection with the NXIVM sex cult case.
"I have experienced overwhelming shame as I have worked to accept and understand all that went on and all that I chose," Mack wrote.
The "Smallville" star's comments were included with more than a half-dozen letters from friends and family members to U.S. District Court Judge Nicholas Garaufis testifying to Mack's transformation since breaking with NXIVM mastermind Keith Raniere following her arrest in April 2018. Raniere was sentenced in October to 120 years in prison on racketeering and sex trafficking charges.
Mack pleaded guilty in April 2019. Prosecutors asked the judge for leniency given Mack's cooperation in the case, which included providing a crucial audio recording that documented Raniere's cruel schemes.
The jaw-dropping details of the psychological manipulation that Raniere masterminded by encouraging his followers to participate in "master" and "slave" relationships — among other bizarre mind games disguised as self-help efforts — has become a cottage industry for documentary and unscripted content.
HBO fielded last year's multi-part docu series "The Vow," which has a second season on the way. Starz's "Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult" told the story of another Hollywood family wrapped up in NXIVM, actor Catherine Oxenberg and her daughter India.
Here is Mack's full statement:
To those who have been harmed by my actions,
To this date, it has been over three years since I last communicated with most of you. This period of isolation has been the most devastating, but transformative time of my life. Because of the court's decision to allow me to remain on home-confinement, I have had the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts in the most supportive and loving environment. Such an opportunity has offered me the time and strength I needed to confront the darkest parts of myself and come to terms with the pain my actions have inflicted on so many people I love, which is the reason for this letter. It is now of paramount importance to me to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. I threw myself into the teachings of Keith Raniere with everything I had. I believed, whole-heartedly, that his mentorship was leading me to a better, more enlightened version of myself. I devoted my loyalty, my resources, and, ultimately, my life to him. This was the biggest mistake and greatest regret of my life.
I am sorry to those of you that I brought into Nxivm. I am sorry I ever exposed you to the nefarious and emotionally abusive schemes of a twisted man. I am sorry that I encouraged you to use your resources to participate in something that was ultimately so ugly. I do not take lightly the responsibility I have in the lives of those I love and I feel a heavy weight of guilt for having misused your trust, leading you down a negative path. I am sorry to those of you whom I spoke to in a harsh or hurtful way. At the time, I believed I was helping. I believed in tough love and thought it was the path to personal empowerment. I was so confused. I never want to be someone who is considered mean, but those aspects of my humanity have been revealed in all of this; it has been devastating to reconcile.
I have experienced overwhelming shame as I have worked to accept and understand all that went on and all that I chose. There were times I was not sure I would make it through this alive, the pain was so crippling. That said, I know that coming out the other side, I am a better, kinder woman because of this. I know I cannot heal the pain my betrayal has caused to you and your loved ones, but I can promise you that your hurt has not gone unseen and acknowledging this has changed me to my core.
I also want to apologize to all the friends and loved ones I have hurt throughout this process who were not involved in Nxivm. I know many of you fought hard to show me the truth about Nxivm and Keith, but I didn't listen. I pushed you away and silenced myself toward you when you were trying to save my life. I am sorry I was so stubborn. I am sorry I was blind to your care and deaf to your pleas. I wish with everything in me that I had chosen differently, but I cannot change the past. I lied to you, again and again, in order to protect the delusion I was so deeply committed to believing. I know that the sacred trust I broke cannot be reinstated without forgiveness and a significant passage of time. While I desperately miss my friends, I understand if you choose not to invest in a future that includes me. However, I hope you will accept this sincere apology and know that I will hold all of you close to my heart for the rest of my life, even if we never speak again.
The list of those harmed by the collateral damage of my destructive choices continues to grow as I become more and more aware of how my choices have affected those around me. I am grateful that I have made it through this process alive and that I was stopped when I was. I have the court, my family, my therapist, and a few amazing friends to thank for this. Please know that I am dedicated to spending my life working to mend the hearts I broke and continuing to transform myself into a more loving and compassionate woman. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I hope it offers at least a little bit of peace and closure as this horrific chapter comes to an end.