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Today in Hyperbole: Health Care Ruling Edition

Rep. Todd Akin
Rep. Todd Akin

No surprise that Republicans are apoplectic over today’s Supreme Court decision, but U.S. Rep. Todd Akin from Missouri went the Full Wack-a-doo.   To wit (with our annotations):

"This is a crushing blow to freedom1 and an absolute insult2 to the dignity3 of all Americans.4 I am deeply disappointed in the Supreme Court5 for giving the government the authority to force citizens to buy a product.6 I believe this encroachment of government is unconstitutional and offensive.7 It puts the life and death health decisions of our families and loved ones in the hands of Washington Bureaucrats.8 We don't want the compassion of the IRS9 or the efficiency of the DMV in our healthcare system.10… Now we must work tirelessly to continue defunding and destroying the monster that is Obamacare.11"

1.  Paramedics say Ms. Freedom suffered three cracked ribs and a concussion. Thank you, “Chief Justice” Roberts.

2.  Insult, i.e. “Your health care is so ugly, we had to tie a steak around its neck so the dog would play with it.”

3.  Think: Lady Liberty in a sparkly tube top and Daisy Dukes.

4.  And by all Americans, he means Rep. Todd Akin. The millions who WILL be able to afford health care now are probably Belgian.

5.  Rep. Akin thought they were dating, turns out it was just a Facebook thing.

6.  Rep. Akin is referring to the Obama Administration’s top secret Force Feed Them Broccoli, Then Take Their Guns Initiative set for Spring, 2013.

7.  See also: Rep. Akin’s response to the Season Three finale of “Glee.”

8.  Exactly! Washington Bureaucrats should be spending all their time wiping out women’s reproductive rights and cutting taxes for billionaires.

9.  So, for the record: The man enraged about his fellow Americans gaining access to health care is passing judgment about the compassion of others. Got it.

10. Wow, one bad driver’s license photo and some people get all cranky-pants.

11. IT… IS… ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!