Oh, Oscars. We love you, we hate you. You're the king of all awards shows, but you still bring with you all the problems of any awards show.
Maybe we're just jealous. Jealous because we worked really hard on that TPS report last spring, and yet were neither paid millions of dollars for it nor invited to a glamorous televised ceremony a year later to be praised for it. But then again, we didn't have our fashion choices mocked by a thousand bloggers, or have our disappointed face made into a meme when we lost to Jim from Accounting.
WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT THE OSCARS:
1. The fashion
Yes, it's getting weirder all the time, but still, stars clean up for the Academy Awards in a classier way than they do the other awards shows. Jennifer Lopez's famous cleavage-splitting, double-taped green dress? She wore that to the 2000 Grammys. Grace Kelly's breathtaking ice-blue satin Edith Head gown? She wore that to the 1955 Oscars. Advantage: Oscars.
2. The In Memoriam segment
Hollywood's been around long enough now that some of our favorite players have left us for that great stage-door canteen in the sky. In 2012 alone, we lost Whitney Houston, Ernest Borgnine, Andy Griffith, Jack Klugman, Nora Ephron and so many more. Seeing them, even so briefly, as the screens of the In Memoriam segment flash by, gives us a last chance to remember the joy they brought to our lives.
3. The random storylines that pop up
The Oscar producers try to make everything run like clockwork, but humans are human, and delightfully so. People mess up. Angelina Jolie weirdly juts her leg out of her gown on the red carpet and the world doubles over with laughter. Sacha Baron Cohen dumps fake Kim Jong-il ashes on Ryan Seacrest and Seacrest lets his professional facade down for a second and looks legitimately ticked off. It's all the weirder for happening at the Oscars, that rehearsed-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life gala, kind of like when the snooty lady at church tucks her dress in her pantyhose by mistake.
WHAT WE HATE ABOUT THE OSCARS:
1. The hosts
This year, it's "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane, so we're holding out hope things could be lively and even entertaining. But in the past, many Oscar hosts have been snore-worthy. No one dares push the envelope as Ricky Gervais did at the Golden Globes, and the less said about James Franco and Anne Hathaway's 2011 attempt, the better.
2. The listy speeches
The best speeches come when the winner appears to speak from the heart, even if their remarks are prepared. Share a sweet little anecdote about the film, or how you practiced for this day as a kid by delivering your speech into a bottle of Love's Baby Soft, and you'll find the audience rapt. But recite a list of everyone from your eight managers to your dog-sitter to your pool boy, and we're wishing we could yank that statuette back from you and give it to someone else.
3. The Academy's voting habits
The stereotypes about Academy voters being old and boring and in love with their own industry still hold up. "The Artist" was a fine film, but did Hollywood reward it so heartily in 2012 for its high quality, or for being about Hollywood? Was 2006's "Crash" really the best film of that year? And who can't sing, or at least hum, "Blame Canada" from the 1999 "South Park" movie? Yet it lost the best original song Oscar to a bland Phil Collins love song from Disney's "Tarzan." Who's responsible for that outrage? We blame Canada.
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