If you're just looking for someone to hold in this cold, cold world, there are already plenty of mobile dating apps to help you out. But what about that interminable period after you've solved the problem of your crippling loneliness and are now dealing with the burden keeping it fresh with another living, breathing, gassy human being for the indefinite future?
The so-called "couples' app" Kahnoodle, recently written up in The Atlantic, wants to help all those frustrated non-single members of society spice up their love life by gamifying it:
Using gamification, Kahnoodle wants to make maintaining your relationship automatic and easy—as easy as tapping a button. Its options include sending push notifications to initiate sex; “Koupons” that entitle the bearer to redeemable movie nights and kinky sex; and, of course, the love tank, which fills or empties depending on how many acts of love you’ve logged.
I'll let you decide what's meant by "logging" your "acts of love." At least we now know what all those people are doing on their smartphones when they pull the ol' touchscreen out in the heat of the moment.
Kahnoodle currently offers a mobile game for iOS devices, with an Android version on its way. The company is also developing a premium "concierge" service which promises its users "effortless and exciting dates curated just for you" is available in subscriptions ranging from $20 to $60 per month or à la carte for $50 per date. If that sounds a bit pricey, the company's website insists that it actually helps customers save money because they "work with selected vendors to ensure that you get a great value on every date." It will also help you "save time" and "keep your relationship awesome." Plus, you can't put a price on true love, right? Well, I guess you can — I'm just not ready to think of my love life as being "free to play" quite yet.
Yannick LeJacq is a contributing writer for NBC News who has also covered technology and games for Kill Screen, The Wall Street Journal and The Atlantic. You can follow him on Twitter at @YannickLeJacq and reach him by email at: Yannick.LeJacq@nbcuni.com.