What does it mean when a man wants to see a woman's wild side? Should a conservative couple wait until marriage to do the deed? And what's a wife to do when she's jealous of her husband's solo sex time? Sexploration answers your queries. Have an intimate question? To e-mail us, click here. We'll tackle select questions in future columns.
Q: My boyfriend is always telling me to show him my "wild side" — what I am capable of doing to make him reach his peak orgasm. When we're having sex, it's usually him making the move. I have contributed, but I always feel like it's not enough. It's really hard to move and find his sensitive spots. What should I be doing differently?
A: I think we have a definition problem. Your boyfriend says “wild side,” and you think of diagrams and engineering and exotic techniques of the Mysterious East.
I’ll wager he’s talking about attitude, enthusiasm, all-around good sexual fun. A woman who hikes up her black leather mini-skirt at the site of us? Wow!
Guys are so desperate to be wanted, they'll pay strippers to fake it. But it's so much better when we feel ourselves in the palm of a hand we haven't greased with 20 bucks. (I mean "palm of the hand" figuratively, by the way.)
This appeals to our brains, which is way more erotic than aiming straight for our penises.
I know many women find this tough to do, having heard the message that one should never be a "bad girl," but I'm not talking about hanging around the truck stop dancing the backroom mambo with every guy going to Des Moines.
I'm talking about showing your lust for a guy you're already boinking on a more or less regular basis. So let go!
I could give you pointers on how, mentioning, say, the miracle of olive oil, but use your imagination.
Even a simple adjective can work. A deep, breathy sigh and the word "magnificent" modifying your favorite noun for Mr. Willy does wonders.
WAIT FOR MATRIMONY?
Q: I'm a college kid from one of the most conservative countries in the world. I have a girlfriend and we love each other very much. We are in a serious and committed relationship, which could lead to marriage. We are very passionate but we have the very traditional opinion that neither of us should lose one's virginity before marriage or at least engagement. However, we may both be going to graduate school soon, so it seems a long time until we can finally settle down. And now I'm not sure if we should wait until marriage. We are firmly confident in our fidelity. What I want to know is should we do it, as a way to show our love, or should we keep waiting?
A: The choice to have sex is yours alone, not mine and not your government’s.
Whatever you choose, be sure the choice is based on your own moral compass and your feelings for each other, not on time tables and career plans and the need to prove anything to anybody, including yourselves.
Sex is not a test or a tool. It’s a dance communicating a deep bond. Do not burden it.
JEALOUS OF HIS SOLO SEX
Q: My husband and I were married about one year ago. I recently caught him masturbating while watching a music video. I am very upset. It made me jealous because it makes me feel like I am not good enough for him. Am I over-reacting?
A: Yep. Study after study shows that the vast majority of men — young men, old men, married men, single men — do this. We start at age 10 or so and don't stop, most of us, until they put us in the grave. Women do it too, by the way, if somewhat less often.
So relax. It's not a comment on you that he masturbates. When I've asked men about what it "means," they look at me like I'm crazy. It doesn't "mean" anything. We do it when we feel horny but too lazy to please you, or because we're in a hurry or because fantasy is fun. Your husband's fantasy could even have been you, maybe wearing those booty shorts video babes always seem to be squeezed into.
So instead of using phrases like "I caught him," how about trying "I joined him"?
Brian Alexander is a California-based writer who covers sex, relationships and health. He is a contributing editor at Glamour and the author of "Rapture: How Biotech Became the New Religion" (Basic Books).