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Voices: Letter from Donald Trump, to The Hispanics

In this Voices essay, contributing writer Alfredo Estrada pens a "letter" Donald Trump sends to "The Hispanics."
Donald Trump
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump arrives to speak at a campaign rally in Akron, Ohio, Monday, Aug. 22, 2016.Gerald Herbert / AP

Amigos, I don't flip-flop. I am what I am, and I'm not a flip-flopper And the race may be rigged but I’m not a racist. I also say what I say, no matter what I say, and mean what I mean, no matter how mean.

So when I said on the first day of my campaign that Mexico was sending rapists and criminals across the border, I meant it.

They're also sending reporters like that loser Jorge Ramos (did you know he was related to Ryan Lochte?) but I took care of him. When was the last time you saw someone from Univision playing golf at Doral? Can’t believe they got suckered into buying Gawker. Sad!

When I said I'd build a big, beautiful wall on the border, I meant that, too. The Chinese emperor wanted to keep out Mongols and I want to keep out Mexicans. He had Matt Damon build it and I’m putting Sheriff Joe in charge, if he stays out of jail.

I wasn't kidding that Mexico would pay for it. You better believe they will. Not in pesos, either. It won't just be high, it will be deep, so El Chapo won't be able to tunnel under it. Maybe he can spring Sheriff Joe.

Ditto the Deportation Force. Cutie-pie Kellyanne said it was TBD but come January, we’ll be TCB, let me tell you. They’ll have a classy uniform, with their own logo (D-Force?) like the doormen at Trump Tower. And we’ll hire lots of the Hispanics for it, because you’re tremendous people, and you speak the lingo. Thousands of new jobs!

We're gonna deport everyone that we’re gonna deport but it will be done fairly and humanely and bigly. Starting with the bad guys.

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But then the good guys, too, because we have to follow existing laws. And all those Dreamer kids, they’re gonna wake up in San Miguel de Whatever. Maybe even Melania (that’s a joke!)

We’ll send them back to wherever they’re from so fast your head will spin. Because otherwise we don’t have a country. And we need to have a big, beautiful country. Again.

No more anchor babies, either, even if they’re all grown up. Many smart people have told me we can cancel birthright citizenship retroactively, so adios if you weren’t born here.

That’ll take care of Lyin’ Ted. What a wimp he turned out to be! He makes Reince look like Rambo.

Over the weekend, I had my Hispanic Advisory Council over for Taco Bowls. Tremendous people, like all of the Hispanics! They’re gonna give me input on how to humanely deport 11 million people.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks at a campaign rally in Akron, Ohio, Monday, Aug. 22, 2016.Gerald Herbert / AP

Eisenhower did it back in the day so it can be done, bigly. But no detention centers, like I told O’Reilly. Ike put them on buses but we’ll fly them out economy class because the D-Force will have its own hair force.

Someone asked if I was gonna apologize for all the times I’ve hit the Hispanic piñata but I said I wouldn’t take anything back because I’m not a flip-flopper.

Kellyanne nearly choked on her Taco Bowl.Now that I’ve got a Hispanic Advisory Council, they’ll apologize when I interview them on Trump TV.

Many smart people have told me I should do it in Spanish. TeleTrumpo? Maybe I can hire Jorge Ramos. Or Ryan Lochte.

But here’s the thing. Even though the Hispanics love me, Judge Curiel and the lawyers from La Raza have been telling so many lies you’re all probably gonna vote for Crooked Hillary.

But what has she done for you lately? Bottom line, it’s a disaster! You live in detention centers where the only channel on is Univision, you don’t speak English, and all you get for breakfast is tacos.

If you walk down the street, you get shot by El Chapo, now that he’s out of jail.

How much worse can it be?

Just gimme a chance! I’ll fix things so fast your head will spin. If you don’t get deported, you’ll get hired by the D-Force.

More jobs for the Hispanics because they are tremendous people. More jobs than e-mails deleted by Crooked Hillary.

More jobs than I sell Taco Bowls at Trump Tower.

So what do you have to lose, amigos? Vota Trump!

Journalist and attorney Alfredo Estrada is the editor of LATINO Magazine and the author of the novel, "Welcome to Havana, Señor Hemingway."

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